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Sunday, October 28, 2012

Bitch Betta Give me my COFFEE!!!!!

I am passing this one on from a friend. Fortunately, I never had to deal with this when I was carrying my little bundles of joy- but I PROMISE you that if I had, this guy might possibly be wearing an eye patch today.

I was recently informed of this appalling display of STUPIDITY and cannot help but pass this one on. Consider this a public safety message---because one day, you will come across the wrong pregnant chic who just might wrap your apron around your neck and choke you out.

Do you remember being close to someone who was pregnant? If you're smart, you were walking on eggshells and sleeping with one eye open.

Well, I VIVIDLY remember when I was pregnant (as does my poor,unsuspecting, and almost EX-husband). Which is why I will NEVERRRRRRRRRRRR do it again.
I was MISERABLE-- Fat, tired, uncomfortable, name it, I was wallowing in my own self pity for it.
When I wanted something, I realllllllllllly wanted it. Whether it was a hot dog from the vendor in front of the Pine Cove Bar at 11 O'clock at night or a grande iced white mocha with whipped cream and real milk, or maybe a certain kind of ice from the fountain machine at a specific gas station... I KNEW what I wanted--- and what I was comfortable putting in my body. THAT being said- Please read on. You're going to SHIT when I tell you this..... This is some crazy stuff right here.

Pregnant chic waddles her happy ass into a "well known coffee shop that rhymes with MARCLUCKS".

Because she's grown enough to give birth and dilate her uterus to 10 FUCKING CENTIMETERS to squeeze a life out of her vagina, I consider her to be old enough to order a coffee, ---right? (we can all discuss "Teen Mom" later--that's a whoooole different blog)
She ganders at the menu for a moment before she heads to the register to place her order.

Barista skips over to take her order.
She rubs her belly. (not because she glowing, but because she's probably had heartburn for the past 2 hours and wants to gargle with and then swallow an entire container of TUMS) .
"Good Morning! Welcome! What can I get for you today! "
She proceeds give him her order, which is followed by a long pause from said skipping Barista.

"Ummm. I'm Sorry Ma'am. I can't make this drink for you"

Now---- because I was not ACTUALLY the prego chic at the counter- I can't tell you exactly what she said- I can only tell the story as if I were there read on....

"Why the fuck not?"

"Ummmmmmmm... Well... (Ehem).... Because caffeine is really bad for your baby and I don't agree with drinking caffeinated beverages while you're....."with child"....."

Well   HO-----LY ----------SHIT!
How about THIS, you little judgemental PRICK???? Let's turn your penis inside out and shove a watermelon into your ball-sac. THEN You can tell me WHAT THE F*CK I am allowed to order in your establishment. Does THAT work for you????? You couldn't even handle a damn HERNIA!!! This little shitbag is going to tell me that I can't have my mocha????? Did you get high on the Nitrous before you skipped your happy little ass over here?  I'll walk the hell out of here, hop in my swagger wagon, and roll through the drive thru and you would be NONE the wiser. but for some stupid reason, you decided that its your duty to push your personal agenda on someone else. Do you FEEL better??? You saved her unborn child FROM WHAT?????  Let me guess,  one time, you happened to pick up your mom's Woman's Day Magazine instead of playboy when you went to whack off in the shitter and all the sudden your a pediatrician????

Next time, you little son-of-a- bitch, you decided to play OBGYN, bring your PH-D to work with you--THEN I MIGHT let you tell me HOW to be pregnant!!

The moral of this story is that EVERYONE has a cause. Whether it's  no lunch meat, no caffeine, no wine, no dairy , no sex, light exercise, no sun, special shampoo, no thong underwear--- whatever you deem to be best for your body and your baby, I PROMISE you that there is someone out there who can find a study somewhere to tell you that what you're doing is wrong. Believe it or not, our bodies are pretty smart and can tell us when something isn't right. (Thank goodness for Web MD right?) But no matter what, it's not up to us to decide what is right for someone else. period.

This little shit bag is lucky he still has his Adam's apple.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Halloween CANCELLED....

Let me start by giving you a little bit of background on the female spawn. She is OBSESSED with holidays and even more obsessed with her own birthday. So obsessed that the day AFTER her party every year she's already talking about next year.
This year, we are doing a Halloween themed birthday party---Seeing as how the trusty old "Halloween costume" is the biggest waste of money on the entire fuck-ing planet, I don't see anything wrong with trying to squeeze one more appearance out of the damn thing.

Yesterday on our way to school, before I put on my suit of armour and made my way towards the dreaded "Horseshoe", the female spawn pipes up and says:

"We aren't having a Halloween Party in my class"..

"Oh, are you having a Harvest Party instead?" (By the way--- harvest party? STUPID... but whatever)

"Nope. We aren't having any party at all. "Johnny" isn't allowed to celebrate Halloween and his mom says we can't have a party because it would make him feel bad".

ARE YOU SHITTING MEEEEE????? I have SOOOOOOOO MANY issues with this.
Here's the thing. We've slowly but surely ripped Halloween out of school and fluffed it up into what we now call "Harvest". Where they can only wear Scarecrow or Pilgrim constumes--Which, to me, screams "Hey bitches!! we don't care how much money you spent on the other costume, we have fabricated some reason for you to have to go spend some more of your hard earned money to buy another outfit that the kids are only going to wear once and you're going to have to find a place to put it or find some unsuspecting friend and throw it into a bag of "hand me downs" once "Harvest" is over..
My 2nd issue is that I want to slap the fuck out of Johnny's mom. YUP. Sure do. THIS "helicopter mom" Thinks she just did something righteous for her kid. She stood up to the EEEEVIL Halloween!! OOOOOOOOO!! Way to go!! You just single handedly alienated your kid from the ENTIRE class.
See here's the thing--- you dumb bitch--- you didn't stand up to some evil holiday, you didn't remove the idle threat of exposing your precious Johnny to some evil Pagan celebration. You haven't protected young Johnny from a lifetime of devil worshiping and animal sacrifices.
You took a completely innocent tradition where kids get to eat candy and play dress up and use their IMAGINATIONS, a celebration that creates comradery while they walk together and sift through their candy bags together. They put down the video game controllers and Ipods and JUST BE KIDS.
BRAVO!!! where did you get your motherly instincts, a cracker jack box???
If you want to rip your kids' childhood away because you're a dumb bitch- you go ahead. but keep it at home. By the way, how "Protective" was it to have your kid in a classroom of other kids who KNOW that they don't get to celebrate because of HIM? Because YOU have some vendetta with Halloween!!!! These people are THE WORST. Not only do they just SUCK, but to top it off they want to push their suckiness onto the whole rest of the world and pretend that they're NOT sucky ---and go about like nothing is wrong with any of this.

I often feel bad for my kids because they have such a terrible mother. But I think I might have found a kid that I feel worse for. Poor Johnny.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

When other people's issues become YOUR problem

Ahhhhhh...good ol' summertime. when the kids want to spend the night with a friend EVERY- SINGLE- NIGHT for the next 3 months....and if/when you say no, it's an all out poutfest that I, for one, DON'T want to deal with.
Here's the problem I have with kids spending the night anymore.
When I was a kid, you ran home, asked your mom, grabbed your pillow, sleeping bag, and pajamas and left. You stayed up all night on the party line or watching scary movies or.... whatever.

NOWADAYS, you need a fucking MANUAL to let other peoples kids spend the night. I'm waiting for the day when someone's parent's bring over a moving truck with their overnight bag. Here's the thing. I don't care if you're kid is on a completely organic greens vegan, low tofu, non-dairy diet. THAT'S NOT my problem. don't bring 8 pairs of underwear and a plastic king size bed cover because the kid is claustrophobic and has bladder control issues. Don't you DARE bring a container of wipies for your 8 year old to wipe their ass and explain that I need to watch and be sure that they use them because they have a sensitive TOOSHIE...
WTF is WRONG with YOU????
 MAybe they have a sensitive TOOSHIE because you've been wiping their ass with a wet wipe looooooong after you should be???? Is it possible that they are not using them when you're not looking because it makes them feel like they have swamp ass when their done doing the "potty"? Who wants wet ass cheeks AFTER handling their business???? .....
DRY and CLEAN is how one wants to leave the toilet. period.

You wanna know what kids want to do when they spend the night out? Eat crappy food, and stay up all night! Kids HATE Tofu!!!!CMON let the kid have a fucking DORITO!???
You wanna know WHY I said yes to your kid spending the night? So that my own kid could be crammed up someone else's ass for almost 24 hours and I can FINALLY clean the bathrooms! So I could have a reason to throw chicken nuggets and french fries on a plate and call it dinner!
I spend 40+ hours per week working, cooking, babysitting, etc.... I am NOT doing all weekend too. So please read my warning- I do not cater to any special diets, I'm not sleeping on the couch so your kid can sleep in my bed covered in plastic wrap, I am NOT going anywhere near your grown kids ass with a wet wipe and I refuse to put Tofu on my BBQ....

Thursday, June 7, 2012

SWEEEEEET Summertime....

HOL-LYYY SHIT- It's almost here- and for some of you, it already is. SUMMER BREAK. The first 3 weeks are amazing- downright BLISSFUL. I'm not even going to address the remaining 2 months. I just want to take a minute to soak in the happiness of the first few weeks....
For the working momma--- this is the time of the year where you get to know what it's like to go to work level headed. You're not spending your morning trying to get close to presentable for work.... not sure if you put blush or eyeshadow on your cheeks and scraping the remnants of mac N' cheese off of your work pants because you didn't do laundry....not running around after the crumb snatchers with your head up their ass making sure that they heard the goddamned alarm---although YOU were able to hear it 14 FUCKING TIMES. No more- "I forgot my back pack", or "please sign my field trip form", no more open house, blah blah blah. Just get yourself ready and walk out the door... Starbucks, HERE I COME,  BITCHES! GOLD CARD STATUS!
For the stay at home momma-----this is the time of the year where you get to know what it's like to spend your morning level headed. There's no need to worry about wearing your morning coffee on your favorite Yoga pants because a crumb snatcher threw their homework folder at you and asked you if you could put it into their back pack. You're not running around with your head up their ass making sure that they heard the goddamned alarm---although YOU were able to hear it 14 FUCKING TIMES. No more driving BACK up to the school to drop off the science project, or the field trip form that you just got last night after a temper tantrum. Its somewhat freeing to just ENJOY. Enjoy sneaking up to Target while they're still sleeping. To throw leftovers in the microwave and NOT have to put a 5 course meal into a brown paper sack. To not go to bed with a headache because you've been YELLING ABOUT BEDTIME FOR 30 PISSED OFF MINUTES. letting them stay up a little later because you KNOW they'll sleep in -----(which means you do too, bitch <3).

So I lied. I'm gonna talk about July. When the bliss begins to wear off. You know--- when they fight with each other until they put on the gloves and bite each others ear off? They fight with their friend who has spent the past 2 weeks at YOUR house. Does that kid actually HAVE a mom? They even start to fight with themSELVES. You ponder the idea of a nanny? maybe work a few extra hours to pay her? Maybe you're calling grandma to see if she misses them. Maybe you're considering boot camp.  Just GET THEM THE FUCK OUTTA MY HOUSE.   Well, we all know it ends the same...we regret giving birth, they hate their life and their parents until we attend back to school night for the 18th FUCKING time.... we see the faces of the green, newbie teachers who "Wanna make a difference"....aren't they CUTE? .... Bless their hearts..... By the end of the year, they're wearing their coffee on their work pants and scraping boogers off of their math tests and they've decided that it's not a good time to think about having kids.... Well, if that's the case, I've done my good deed---by giving them a second chance at life. I'll just wait for my Starbucks gift card for my public service.


Friday, March 30, 2012

Out to dinner.

Why the fuck do I bother.

I am a foodie. I love FOOD and when I go to a restaurant, it better be good. I would rather pay extra for a good meal than nothing for a shit meal.

Kids can ruin the entire experience, folks! Case and point is about to be exposed.

Tonight, after a very long week, we decided to go out to dinner. I am not too big on chains, I'll tell you that right now. I want to sit down, have a glass of wine, and unwind...if we decide to go out, THAT'S what I want to do.
Tonight, we go to a new fun little swanky spot. Not too upscale to where we though- "OH SHIT, prepare to be embarrassed" but not generic enough to say "WHO the FUCK has a Xanax I can borrow, 'cause it's about to go down!" (ie: chuck E cheese, Johns incredible pizza, McDonalds, etc...).
When we walk in, we see a chick with a baby so we figure we're good....right?
WRONG-O friends!
The female spawn busts out with her drama queen personality, IMMEDIATELY. I'm talkin', she BROUGHT it.
 FUUUUUUCK me--- dammit.
She had her head on the table, crammed up my ass, not sitting in her seat, you name it, she pulled out all the stops tonight.
Of course at first, I am attempting to use discretion-
which means, I am all up in her face with my "Mom" voice
"IF you don't knock your shit off right this second, I am dragging your ass to the bathroom for some "Act right"!!! Which she of course responds with:
WHAAAAAAAAAT??? WHAAAAAAT MOMMMYYY? I just want to sit with youuuuuu?
BULL Shit .
You saw me starting to relax.
You sensed the calming demeanor when I sat down and you couldn't stand it! You SMELLED FEAR!
So at this point it becomes pouty lips and I'm not hungry, I wanna go home... she KNEW what she was doing.
" I...I....I'm not huuuuungry. I dont' want anything".
Like Hell. You don't get to use that one til you're my age and married! That's grown ass argument "prove a point" talk. SNAP.
I look across the table and merely state a fact..."I'm going to level her ass if she doesn't get her shit together. I swear..." Hubby steps in and flashes. He wants to level her too.
She calms down a little bit until the shrimp comes out.
"uuuuuuuhuh!  THIS IS GROSS! do they have RANCH???" Now, mind you, this was NOT the quiet version!
SHUT YOUR MOUTH. SERIOUSLY. MORE wine please!!! ding! ding! ding!
(No, I didn't have a bell---- in case you were wondering.)
This attitude continued through dinner. At this point, I have take my mind to a place where I have wine and popcorn every night for dinner in a cute little condo by the mall to maintain sanity.
 The bill comes- and its not cheap.
The hubby starts having a panic attack (because he's a money Nazi) WHOOPSIES. Now we're BOTH pissed.
The kids are practically biting off each others ears in the 9th round and there's not enough wine in this place to take my blood pressure to a safe level.

And to polish the night off------------ I didn't win the damn lottery. I might as well have written a check to a therapist and had grilled cheese and top ramen.

I can't imagine WHY one would question why I work a 9 to 5? Must've lost their fucking minds.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Too soon?....or is it....

DAMMIT I hate clutter.
I take that back.
 I hate clutter in plain view. Hidden clutter is okay.
So why is it that my refrigerator looks like Dorothy should be clicking her heels together and someone should be looking for me to be crushed underneath it? Even deeper than that, why can't I just grab my "cajones" and clean it off?
As one of my facebook friends so eloquently put it, "When is it too soon to take down all the CRAP on the refrigerator"?
I don't have a good answer for this. Although, ever since she posed this question, I can't seem to take my eyes off of this cluttered mess.
Thank you, by the way.
Here's the thing. These fuckers KNOW, I don't know how--- but they DO. If you even happen to change the magnet that's holding up their math test from 3 years ago, THEY  KNOW....
but they truly can't remember that they need to brush their teeth every morning? Or grab their backpack on the way out the door? God FORBID you move the 487th stick figure drawing so that you can hang a Dr.'s Appt. reminder or something important. They fall apart! Can't find their shoes   But HO-LY SHIT, stop the FUCKING PRESS---  they can see a missing C+ math test from the top of the stairs down the hallway to the left!
"Where's my pilgrim essay?"
Ummmmm... probably in your 2nd grade school box.........
'Cause your in 8th grade now.
 Items bearing substance have no place in the hierarchy of the refrigerator display. You have to catch them off their game. When they're distracted, you can start by removing the paper from the veeeerrryyyyyback of the shit pile. One by one, you have to pick them off. It doesn't stop here people, you have to pick off the magnets too. If they see a free magnet, THEY WILL OCCUPY IT. This is a gradual process--- and you're not going to win them all.
At the end of the day- I don't have a fool proof resolution to this age old battle. I haven't won it yet. I can promise you though, that I try to find ways to de-clutter the "museum of repetitive art" that is my refrigerator, every day. The idea of accomplishing this without conflict seems difficult, not impossible, but "throwing away the binky" difficult. Good luck friends and if you happen to accomplish this without giving up and saying FUCK IT (kinda like the cowboy boots and tu-tu's to the grocery store). Please share. Millions of desperate clutter freaks NEED your wisdom.

Monday, March 26, 2012



I hate these people. I have a WHOLE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD of them. You know the one's-- Where it doesn't matter if you're going 15 MPH or 50MPH, they look at you stupid because you're driving on the road that they are walking next to---usually with their kid or their dog or some shit.
Dog walkers are pretty bad because our little fur babies like to make the ol' walk as difficult as possible by walking directly around a pole or stretching their leash as far as it will stretch to intentionally jog in the middle of the road. I don't know if they are sniffing exhaust fumes, or WTF, but it's annoying either way. No matter how you look at it, it's not my problem.
But kid walkers are the WORST. If you see someone who is walking with their kid they will stare you DOWN when you drive by. Like "HOW DARE YOU drive down the same street that my precious little gem walks by? no matter HOW fast or slow you are going. You must be at a complete stop, or the stare down is inevitable.
I met one of these this morning.
I pull out of my guessed it,...... running late. I wasn't even 5 houses down from my own. I sure did look at the speedometer at the time of the incident and  I was traveling at 24 MPH. My engine had revved because I had JUST  put the car in drive (from reversing out of the driveway) and had to step on the gas. NOW- Please understand that I will leave my neighborhood at 50 if I feel like it. because you can't win with these people anyway, so why not. But this morning, I hadn't even had the opportunity to go that fast yet when he so RUDELY interrupted me. I am also figuring that in about 5 more seconds I would have been speeding, no doubt. The fact is, I wasn't yet. this Asshole comes out to the middle of the road, waving his fist and screaming obscenities telling me to slow down.
I proceed to flip him off, while scrunching my nose and hammering the gas pedal. 
I hate him. for more reasons than one. First of all, I can't wait til your crumb snatcher is a teenager and walks in the middle of the street. He will end up being one of those punks that stays in the middle of the street just to piss people off. I can't wait because someone will run his ass over. He WILL be this kid. you're teaching him that other people need to change their behavior,that he doesn't need to look around and pay attention. My kids BETTER learn that they need to be conscious of their surroundings. People drive fast. Everywhere. People throw things, people text and drive, blah blah blah. As long as they are paying attention they should be able to avoid getting their leg ripped off. NOW- What was this kid doing?
OMIGAWSH! I am so glad you asked!
Looking down not paying a LICK of attention.
I saw you guys, DICKweed! I saw you when I left my driveway! had he been on his bike, or playing with a ball, I may have done things differently because I am AWARE of my surroundings. But KNOW this. I don't give a shit if the wind from my passing trucks knocks you both on your ass. But you jumping in the middle of the road, swinging your fist and yelling obscenities was AWESOME. Because your crumb snatcher looked PETRIFIED. He didn't seem to be bothered by my passing truck, but your little display seemed to make him almost wet his pants. *CLAP * CLAP* CLAP* BEAUTIFUL performance shitface. 
Don't worry, my bad ass attitude will be the same when I get home, and you see my truck. Then you trek alllll the way down to my house, to find a glass of wine in my hand and a whole lotta "I don't give a fuck" coming out of my mouth. Sleep well! I know I will!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Why it doesn't pay to try and be a "good mom".

Last week was exceptionally crappy. There was one small ray of sunshine in my week that I held onto with kung fu grip. I had bunko on Friday and it was at my house. This meant I could drink until I could barely say bunko.My job can be particularly demanding at times. Those times are Monday through Friday, from 7AM to 7PM- ish. So YES- bunko is exciting. I do my best to find a good balance between work and home life but sometimes one takes over the other. We've discussed a lot of the reasons that I am a terrible mother, one of which being that I work a 9-5....actually it's more like an 8:30-6:30 ish. I squeeze a lot of stuff into a little bit of time.
Back to the story.
 I got a phone call last week from a loving, doting, individual in my kids' lives. I want to throw out the disclaimer that I understand that this person loves us all and would do ANYTHING for any person in my family. They have a huge heart and really, truly, DO only mean well. Now, with that being said, she ripped me a new asshole last week. My sons grades are shitty, so he's grounded. I know we're not supposed to do that  anymore, we're supposed to let them be free souls and give them space to be individuals and all that Emo crap. Unfortunately that flies over like a fart in church at my house. You are either an active participating member of our family or you are exiled to the "have some respect and get off your lazy ass" dungeon.  Well to some people, they're take on it is that my son would "have some respect and get off his lazy ass" if I were a doting loving stay at home mom, but since I never see my children and they are so scarred, this is their cry for attention. It's sad really. I was going to sell him to a band of traveling gypsies to offer him a more comfortable life but then who would empty the dishwasher? Guess I better wait 'til the female spawn is old enough to do it.
Anyhow- Yes, I do occasionally deal with a smidgen of personal turmoil about how much I work. That turmoil is typically interrupted when one of my kids chucks the remote control at the other one's head, triggering an all out war of the siblings. So this weekend, I spent Saturday doing my weekly mom stuff Laundry, bills, menu planning, (you know, all the stuff that gets us all fired up and pissed off) then we sat down and watched movies and spent time together.
Sounds super sweet and innocent, right?
I'mma call bullshit on myself right now.
I did it, because I brought home work that  HAAAAD to be done over the weekend. No exceptions. So Sunday morning the hubby says "We should take the kids to the snow!"
I responded with "uhhhhhhhhh.... you sure? I mean, a storm could roll in...uhh... I just put a 10 course breakfast on the table so I could go hide and work while you were all distracted"

"We'll be home by 6 or 7 and you can finish work stuff."

WTF do I say to THAT??  I've already been called out for my work habits this week???? They're all playing on my weakness right now and that blows. So you know what I did?

caved to the guilt and got our snow shit ready,  hopped in the truck and rode off into the sunset.

Know what I did after that?

Got stuck in the DAMNED truck for 12 hours, with no internet connection, 2 hungry restless kids, A bag of crappy snacks and a coffee. Oh, and a big ass thing of water that I couldn't drink because i didn't know when I was going to be able to pee again. PSHHHHH- I'm not making THAT mistake twice.

Know what I did after that?

clenched my ass cheeks together for the last 1/2 of the ride home because the axle broke on the truck, and we fishtailed every time the hunny nudged the gas pedal. Good thing too because doing butt clenches was the ONLY exercise that I got that day (thank you Jane Fonda for making that an actual "exercise"). You got it people, instead of just saying,"no judge Judy, I won't spend my life being guilted about the fact that I work and I like it! I am going to do the work that I said I was going to do and not feel a bit bad about it. My family can go to the snow if they want to, but unfortunately, I am scared pissless of flying off of a cliff in a snowstorm and not being drunk enough to sleep through it". I caved and you know where it got me? pissed off, cold, wet, annoyed and 2 metal plates for butt cheeks. So I guess LITERALLY being a good mom almost killed me

BTW--- I Still haven't gotten a VD gift.

Thursday, February 16, 2012


Yesterday morning started out all "Cupcakes N Flowers". Sun was shining, birds were chirping, blah blah blah. I woke up extra early so that I could run out and get the hot N fresh heart shaped donuts from krispy kreme. (my family loooooooves them some donuts!) I had already purchased everyone's cards, sees candy, and lotto scratchers for the inside of their cards. (yes, add this to the list of reasons why I am a terrible mother- I encourage underage gambling.... *GASP*) I even stuck a little something extra in the hubby's VD card along with all of the items above.

Everyone wakes up super excited with their VD gifts and surprises and sugary shit (Like how I did that before school? Payback for all those teacher in service day...haha! SNAP!).
Thanks mom! Happy VD to you too! Hubby kissed me goodbye and says Happy VD! :0) awwwwww, idn't he sweeeeeeet! Then we all scurry out the door to tend to our daily endeavors.
This was going to be Taylors first day back at the onsite after school program. I dropped off all of the paperwork (YUP, that morning) to find that she can't attend that day, they need to wait 24 hours. I wasn't surprised, I knew I was pushing my luck---but you can't blame a girl for trying, right? So I frantically call Franny to see if she can pick the female spawn up one last time, cause i'm a terrible mother and once again procrastinated until the last minute (getting the paperwork to the right people) and Franny saved my ass once again.
Once I get to  my jobby job, I call the hubby to say that the female spawn was going to be at Franny's (not adventure club like originally planned) and that I would pick her up b/c it was all my fault that they lost her paperwork and couldn't have her start that day, I don't know WHAT happened considering I turned it in on Friday?
He says "okay~"
Mind you, he got off at 4PM. Which is 2 hours before I got off. So he must have been planning something SUPER DUPER special for me for VD...awwww.... I'm such a lucky girl, I don't neeeeeed anything, its just a Hallmark holiday- He's such a silly goose!
Everyone posting photos all day of their flowers they got at work, or their candy, all the fun stuff a girl likes. I keep gandering by the front desk to see if my surprise was here yet....not that I need anything...but I wanted to BE here in case something DID show up! Nah--- but that's not his style anyhow.
So I call when I leave Franny's-- about 7. I had spent 10 hours at work, 25 minutes on the freeway to go 2 miles...ugh..I was way too tired to try and throw together the pizza pockets (heart shaped and homemade! for my family Valentine's dinner) So I throw out the idea of Chinese take out. After ALL, that would have given him and extra few minutes to put the finishing touches on my VD surprise. I just don't know how I got so lucky....
I get home, house is freezing ass cold, no fire in the fireplace. Family is all home in their comfy's chillin' in front of the TV. we all eat dinner, my son gives me his VD card (funny as hell ,BTW, he DEFINITELY got my sense of humor) and chocolates. I am wondering at this point if I should tiptoe upstairs or just wait until he says I can go see. I go upstairs to shower really quick. Come back down, finish watching the movie. It's about 10:30.
At this point, there better be a tiny ass blue box or some shit in his pocket 'cause I don't see any signs of my surprises floating around in the open anywhere.
Everyone stretches, starts to head up stairs- I try my very best to stay awake until midnight b/c that is the only saving grace he has that could POSSIBLY keep him from a Mothers day 2011 repeat episode (let's just say I went APE shit.... All CYBIL on his ass).
Midnight hits and he says..."Are you mad?".... 

NOOOOOOOOOO HE DI-UHN!??? I can't imagine WHAT IN THE F*CK would I have to be mad about? I will CUUUUUUTTTT YOUUUUUUUU!!!!

The moral of the story. I didn't get shit. This Blog is To Be Continued, cause this ain't OVER........

Monday, February 13, 2012

Had a moment this weekend.

As you all may already know, I don't really give a crap what other people think -----most of the time. Unless I think that they are thinking that I am dressed like a 2 bit hooker, at which point I will promptly return back home and put on a sweater. Other than that, don't really care. So as I was on my hands and knees on the floors (you dirty birds).... I started running things through my brain. Because that's what I do. It slowly turned into me trying to think of all the instances where I was being judged for my parenting (or whatever else). Because I was not only bitchy, but was slightly emotional due to a little visit from Aunt Flow, I started judging the Judge Judy's for judging me. Seriously people, this is what I do when left alone to my own demise. So, since I was guilty yesterday for doing what I loathe more than anything, I am repenting right now to my peeps to make sure I am being honest, with not only myself but you guys as well. Please see a couple of my personal sins, listed below.

1. As a group of us moms chat at a birthday party enjoying a glass (or 3) of wine, another mom shows up. Being the hospitable group that we are, we offer her a glass of wine. She says, "no thanks...."

NOW. She should have stopped here. That's what I would have done. Or I might have said I was sick or hungover or something. But nooooooo-- she precedes with "I don't like to drink in front of my kids,where should I put the gift?".
How about right up your ass.  Something has to go up there behind the stick.
Here's the thing. There have been MORE than several occasions in the past where I have seen this broad HAMMERED in front of her kids. I've practically seen her teach her kid how to mix up a margarita so she didn't have to stumble across the room! All of which I am not judging her for. I am judging her because suddenly she wakes up one day and decides she's Mother Theresa and she wants to let everyone know that her shit don't stink. Well then, sunshine! Call your AA sponsor and have them help take down all those photo collages on your walls of you taking shots with no hands or sipping  mai-tai's with your BFF out of penis straws with condoms taped all over your shirt. Jus' sayin'.

2. EHHEMMMM- One night I was at a bitch 'N' stitch with a pretty mixed crowd, including  kids (hardly seems worth the make up if you ask me, but whatever). I  yell at the spawn, "Quit running! This ain't a damn playground! If I have to say it again, I'm gonna bust your asses!"
*sigh* I should have just said some June Cleaver shit at that point, but by the time I realized the critical level of this situation, it was too late. From the other side of the circle I hear (in a passive aggressive giggle) "WHOOPSIE! Someone has to put a quarter in the jar!"
REALLY? You're going to stand over there and say something to me about the word ASS? How about I tell you about yourself. Let me judge YOU for a minute. Let me use ASS in a different sentence for ya. Day in and day out, you show your kids that it's okay for mommy to work all day every day, drop the them at daycare on the way TO that job while her husband, who hasn't had a job in 4 years sits on his ASS all day and plays video games. Occasionally  getting up to eat whatever food you have left. Meanwhile, you can't pay your bills, you're paying for SOME of your childcare while the government subsidizes the rest, cooking free meals that you're getting because your husband still "can't find a job" (apparently holding out for management) while he tells you  that you're a "fat lazy bitch". You must be so proud of all the quarters in your jar. Maybe if she watches you long enough, your daughter will get to marry someone juuuuuuust like her daddy.
3.  I am yelling at the kids to pick up their shit. Which happens waaaay more often  than I would like. They're shrugging, hemming and hawing and generally not happy.
Judge Judy # 3 says "I'm gonna have to kidnap those little sweeties and bring them to live with me! I just read that book "parenting with love and logic with my book club, it's really good!"...teeheehee... giggle giggle.

Do you still have that book? Could I borrower it so I can smack you in the face with it? Once again, the passive aggressiveness KILLS me. First of all, I know you talk about the way I raise my kids, I hear things allllllllll the time through mutual acquaintances. Here's the thing. Maybe you're the sweet, nice, doting, classroom parent, carpool driver, cookies at midnight type. Although I'm not that mom, I'm also not the  "haven't cleaned your house in 4 years and the last time you did was because you were looking for the computer mouse to water your garden on Facebook, couldn't put a home cooked meal on the table if you were the last living as*hole on the post apocalyptic planet earth (so everything comes out of a paper sack), can't remember the last time you washed your hair or put make up on your face but you're pretty sure that that Mary Kay lady who brought the Ambrosia salad with your order last time might be dead now" mom. All moms are different. We don't have to all be alike. I choose not to be like you, No actually, I would rather shit myself and sit in it all day than be like you. SO THERE. And I promise that if you ever DID try to kidnap my kids, I would fly over to your 800 square foot mansion and pummel you, then I would bring my babies home and immediately give them a bath.

So there you have it friends. I apologize  for my rant. It was judgmental and rude, almost uncalled for. I hereby relinquish all responsibility and chalk it up to a "bad day". I promise I will be better tomorrow. WHERE THE HELL IS MY CHOCOLATE?????

Saturday, January 21, 2012

ooooooooooooooooooh-- You WORK?

DAMN I LOVE this one. The age old "working Mom vs. Stay-At-Home-Mom".  AS much as a dislike Oprah Winfrey and refuse to support any of her racist rubbish, one day I got STUCK. There was a battle of the momma's going on. I was intrigued, I couldn't look away!
 I have stayed home with my children(and wanted to shoot myself) and currently, work a more than full time job. I see both arguments. Why can't these crazy bitches do the same thing? I see them about to claw each others' eyes out and I am thinking, where the @#%$@ are your kids right NOW? Are they watching this? Can they see your judge judy, "I am better than everyone else on this stage" attitude RADIATING off of you? because I sure the hell can!!!  It's like Oprah ran out and found the WORST debaters on the planet to have this argument on her show????? Let me just tell you how I see it- take it for what you will.
Stay at Homer's: This job sucks because it never stops and it is thankless. Everyone wonders "what you do all day" and why you can't find 5 minutes to put make up on your face. You lock yourself in the bathroom from time to time to cry it out because this sh*t never stops, there is no "Friday". You are expected to constantly have playdates and the working mom down the street always thinks it should be at your house because she doesn't know what you do all day. Everyone you know thinks you have plenty of time to run their errands for them because they know that you don't have anything else to do all day--they're doing you a favor helping fill up your schedule. Your husband wants to know why dinner isn't ready as soon as he bangs his fork on the table because he cant' imagine WTF you had to do all day and why you couldn't manage to put a lick of makeup on your face. Here's the thing people, Stay at homer's have their perks but for the most part, they're entire day is at the mercy of everyone else, They have to drop off, pick up, volunteer, clean, cook, sports, lunches, homework and constantly try to prove the everyone that they actually do stay busy all day. They are at the beckoned call of the crumb snatchers because crumb snatchers are quick to rat you out  (ie: MOM!! You were supposed to wash my PINK socks for my dance RE-CI-TAL!!!! or "MOM!!!! Why didn't you sign my field trip form???") The reason that they have to do this shit? 'Cause nobody can imagine WTF they do all day...They wipe everyone's ass for them and everytime they even attempt to put make up on, it's time to take care of someone else. queue in the thankless part.

Working Momma's: This job sucks because all the judge judy PTA princesses think you're a piece of shit and you can never do anything to change that. Them, along with your mother in law, will NEVER understand why you are so selfish that you can't give up your Jimmy Choo's and MAC foundation to devote time and love to your family. Do you KNOW how many calories and chemicals are in that Chinese take out that you pick up 3 times a week and feed to your family? That cannot be healthy! You can never move up in the corporate world because even though you have worked your ass off for the past 5 years, management will always remember the time you had to leave because your kid jammed his thumb in first period. Everything that the stay at homers do all day has to be done in a 4 hour span after you get off work and your weekends are spent handling the playdates and housecleaning. Your husband is still looking for dinner and the homework still has to be checked . I wake up at 5:30 and hit the ground running. I get ready for work, make breakfast for the kids and take them to school. I get off at 6 come home, cook dinner, make sure showers are taken and homework is done, get everyone in bed and do my stuff too. I get to bed around 11ish. I appreciate the stay at home mom because I know that I can't do it. it's not for me. I don't like faking my way through a PTA meeting, I HATE volunteering as team mom and I can't watch my mouth. I've tried- curse words spew out of me like green shit from Linda Blair in the excorcist.  I am a worker and have always been a worker. I think I forged my moms' signature on my first work permit--- 'cause I was 13.  I feel worthless when I don't work which makes me worthless to everyone around me. If a stay at homer doesn't approve of me working 10 hours a day, I'm okay with that. They didn't blow these crumb snatchers out of their vagina so it's not  their problem. The flip side of that coin is that I give the stay at homers a LOT of credit. It's a tough job!  So if we could all just unite and appreciate that people are different, moms are different and we can only do what WE think is best for our family this world would be a much happier place. Embrace it! Stay at homers- our kids come to your house for cookies and hugs because the poor things, their parents are never home. Your kids come to our house before we get home from work to learn life's lessons like making pot brownies and looking at dirty magazines, because kids need space to make mistakes or learn how to make the right decisions. Both styles have their ups and downs... Ups: dirty magazines    Downs: pot brownies...teeheehee... .  My poor kids need a hug. Any stay at homers available? SHEESH, what else do you have to do all day? now I'm just pokin' atcha :0)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I have been inspired.

This weekend was a little offbeat for me. There was no hangover but there was drinking. There were no children but no events to attend and no work to do. It was me and my selfish schedule of events that only guessed it.......ME. It was beyond fabulous and I don't feel guilty.
It started with Friday off of work. I took the entire day AWAY from anything work related. Anyone who knows me, knows this is unheard of. NOW- Mind you, I haven't made it to ONE SINGLE field trip or book fair this year cause "I have to work". But give me some 6 inch roots and 8 lb. weight gain from the holidays, and all the sudden it's an EMER-GEN-CY worthy of the day off. Don't judge me.
I called my momma with the ol' "slumber party at nanny's" (that's Grandma) set up. I asked her if the kids could come over, she said;
 "Suuuuuure! Where are you kids going?" (another reason I love my momma,  she refers to me and my hubby as "Kids" still---could be based on our behavior but I'll take it...)
Me: "Not a DAAAAAMN place----Not together anyway. I am spending my weekend pretending to be rich and famous.  Although they all have live in Nanny's - we can work out the kinks later- PS: Here are their medical cards- don't call me- You know what to do" She knew--- she didn't argue, him haw, no fear of commitment to the weekend with the kids (she's a commitment phobe)- Nada. She knew that if I hadn't come up with some sort of purpose for the slumber party such as a birthday or a wedding then I MUST be a MESS. and I was.

DAY ONE: Dr. appointment, hair appointment, and nail appointment, "fast food for dinner" appointment and wine. I cancelled the Dr. appointment.... That seemed a little too responsible for the schedule that day-I just couldn't fit it in, I was way to busy and didn't want to exhaust myself

DAY TWO: Pedi, lunch, dinner and...YUP.... more wine.

DAY THREE: Shopping, facial, dinner, wine, sleep.

HOLY SHIT. That was aweeeeeeesome.
I swear ladies, we NEEEEEED to do this all the time!! OMG! Those housewives of whatever counties have it together more than we all know! No wonder those broads look amazing. (with the exception of the one's that look like they're skydiving 24/7), Hire a nanny or housekeeper whatever, just do it! take a weekend. I feel pretty and skinny and relaxed! I walked around allll weekend on my own damn schedule, swinging my purse arm everywhere I went in workout clothes and tennis shoes that look like they've never been worn. Walking across parking lots without looking for cars being totally inconsiderate and I bossed people around at a couple of front desks because I felt so fabulously bitchy. It was amazing. From now on, Thou shalt not judge the real housewives, they DO feel entitled and its an awesome feeling. It comes with the territory. Those ladies are smarter than we all think. Ask my family, there is nothing better than a momma who gets transformed into a skinny, pretty, balanced, relaxed housewife over a weekend. and I know I look waaaaaaaaaaaaaay younger. My new movement- mom's least twice a year. Do whatcha want when you want for an entire weekend. Spend one small blip in time, NOT being a mom and a wife, and all the other shit that we are 24/7, day in and day out. You'll be glad you did and you deserve it!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

WTF is wrong with people???????

SO the other day, I am walking through one of those organic tree hugger stores that is like Whole Foods but cheaper and smaller. There's this chick, 2 kids in tow about 3 & 4, a husband who looks like he wants to drive his shopping cart right into traffic, and one little one ----ON the boob.
I have 2 problems here. 1 is that she breastfeeding the kid and then picking up fruits and vegetables like I want her boobie juice anywhere near my oranges. Im GROCERY SHOPPING DAMMIT. I Do NOT want to see that!!!!! The blanket is falling off, the kids are running around screaming (both of them have the little shopping carts), the husband is about to pull out a gun and shoot himself and there she is, content as can be.
Now, I was not a breastfeeder- Never comfortable with it no matter how much propoganda Kaiser wanted to shove down my throat about how breastfed babies are healthier and smarter and blah blah bullshit. I am STILL not comfortable with it, but I can respect that I am the exception not the rule on this one. I am creeped out by the thought that my husband enjoys them for one reason, and the kid enjoys them for a completely different reason- I choose to feed my whole family from the same place- The KITCHEN.  I don't run around the store with my boobs hanging out and I don't expect you to either I don't care WHAT they are being used for.
 Now onto my 2nd issue--- WHY are you here? Why did you feel the need to drag your entire family out to the itty bitty store and subject all of us to your madness?? You're mother must not have breast fed you because you are certainly not smarter than the average bear. Here's an idea... How about you stay home and extra 5 minutes, throw the kid on the tit while your there, THEN when he's done eating  you can go to the store and dad can stay home with your other two crumb snatchers and continue watching the football game and the rest of the world doesn't have to be subjected to your loud obnoxious kids, your bare boob and your miserable husband. This store ain't big enough for all of us.