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Wednesday, December 14, 2016


So So So So sorry my friends- badmom needed a little time refresh! (some say break the fuck down and lose your shit...I just simply say...refreshhhhhhhhhh)  This parenting and adulting shit is HARD.... LIKE HARD, HARD...? ya know?

SO- I'm just gonna jump right back in so that things aren't awkward, you cool with that? :0)~ 

This little ditty is  in response to a come to Jesus that an internet phenom fat-shamer recently posted....Ms. Maria Kang! the "No excuses" size 0 shit talker? (google it) Long story short, she was a pageant princess @ 16, had a couple kids, (still young) stayed skinny until age and life got the best of her and she went from fat-shamer to the ultimate "embrace your curves" spokesperson. Basically, what this means, is --- small victory my friends! YUP! A  Judge Judy has eaten her words because experience slapped her on the ass with a couple of extra lb's and some dimples and said...suck on that. I, for one, am proud of her for owning that shit! You go Maria! 

You know what? ...... FUCK THAT!! Let's stop an applaud her for a moment.....


This little come to Jesus got me thinking about all of the Judge Judy's and how it must SUCK to live up to their own expectations?  I only know how much it sucked to live up to mine (when I had soooooo FUCKING MANY OF THEM)!! was EXHAUSTING! 
Well, my friends! There is nothing quite as eye opening as Karma...and, I mean it. There is nothing like getting injected with a dose of reality that you never even knew existed to snap your ass to the place you needed to be anyway. 
Badmom has had an interesting year to say the least. EVERYTHING I thought I knew about Life and kids, and people in general, has been eradicated!! HO-LY SHITBALLZ. 

Back to the fat-shamer!...Honestly(ashamed to admit)--- I used to do a little (lot) of this. YUP- Worked my ass off to be a size 6- I was hungry, angry, tired and hungry..did I already say that?...Well,  in my defense, I was pretty hungry...
I take it ALL back. 
Every... single... word. 
There's nothing quite like that 35+ year old, stress induced, child bearing, working your ass off, hella tired now,  metabolism to snap your sorry unsuspecting ass back to reality! She's about a FUCKING BITCH, IDN'T SHE? HOLY SHIT?!?!?! 
I have often struggled with the grape or raisin theory. I am no spring chicken anymore... so, do I want to plump up a little bit and have amazing skin and no wrinkles, or do I want to kill myself at the gym and starve to death (not really) to look like a raisin.... Well much like our favorite WWW. fatshamer, after much deliberation, I have decided that somewhere in the middle is the way to go. 

I've decided that a good compromise is this: talk shit about my fat ass and I will punch you in the face! I know- I'm working on it! You're lucky I'm not hungry right now! 

 There you go! Happy fucking medium right there! 

If I can offer any little bit of "advice" (<-- I HATE that word....just so ya know...but I can't think of another one right now) The fact is, we all have good days and bad days. There's gonna be wine and chips and there's gonna be yoga & hummus.  I am okay with being ALIVE. not just breathing...but truly being alive. If badmom has learned ANYTHING at all in the past years its this:

Life is short...and, no matter how hard you try,  you can't control hear this my friends. Do the best you can- The best you can is good!!  It's never going to be enough for everyone- but who gives a SHIT? it's enough for someone.... I promise. Hold your head up, whether you're a size 2 or not or whether your make the best mac and cheese or the best reservations, OWN it. OWN you.  NOBODY is perfect. I know it's easier said than done- and it's even harder in a social media, minute by minute update kinda world. But it's also important to understand that we are all fighting our own battles....we are all winning some, and losing some. :) Do what makes you happy. Be your own version of happy and healthy. :) Remember this: You're no good to anyone else until you're good to yourself. 
Cheers to a prosperous 2017 and all of the blessings that fucking come with it, sunshine <3 ... and don't forget to smile (when it's real):) ...oh and breathe....'cause breathing is hella important. :0)~ 


Tuesday, February 17, 2015

What is that SMELL??? OH---it's your yard....

So if I'm being honest, I have spent most of my kids' lives avoiding play dates and mommy and me shit....for a very good reason. 
It's not that I don't like kids, it's just that I run my ship my way, period. There's no sugar coating it because I have visitors. My style isn't for everyone.  I'm sure there's a few parents out there that would love to give me a pointer or 2---  Chances are, the way I choose to parent my kids would give them a fucking stroke. Since I know that I need to keep my pie hole closed,  I have avoided the situations altogether. 

SO--- all these years I've spent avoiding this shit, somehow, I am still presented with it. Here's the scoop. 
I have a teenager. 

If you have have ever raised one of these pleasant little morsels of hormonal mood swings, you understand that this shit isn't easy! If you haven't had the  pleasure as of yet, try nailing Jello to a tree and let me know how it goes.

....I'll wait.... 

I've spent 16 years raising this amazingly quick witted comedic genius. This guy has pissed on me, shit on me, thrown up on me, I've completed 12 school enrollment packets including every line of that fucking emergency card OVER AND OVER AND OVER...for the same FUCKING SCHOOL. (how about we just notify you of any changes, huh, buddy...that work for ya) ANYWAY, bought myself out of 14 sports fundraisers (minimum $100 a pop), pretended to like others peoples kids while playing team mom for 2 seasons, classroom art docent in the 5th grade, a few walks of shame to pick him up from the principles office... and I STILL love him with all my heart (yes....I have a heart, in case you were wondering). Not to mention, I could probably feed an entire country on what I've spent on birthday parties and Christmases alone! 
You get the picture. 
So, when someone tries to step in and bestow their lovely opinion on what I should or shouldn't be doing with him, I get a liiiiittttlllleee teeny bit territorial. 

Now--- we've all known "THAT" mom. The mom who tries too hard to stay young and be their kids' friend. The mom that says things like "I would rather have them (insert illegal activity here) in front of me instead of behind my back", blah blah fucking blah. 

that's cool Farrah Abraham, you run your ship however you want, that's your business, I don't really give a shit....personally, I want him to be so scared that I am going to come around that corner and catch him that he thinks twice before doing it. It's called RESPECT. 
I am NOT my kids' friend, I am their MOM first. I am here to protect them and show them how to be  functional human beings in society. I am here to teach them hard lessons in life so that when they grow the fuck up and have to go out in the big bad world and be a functional contributing member of society, they will be equipped to do so. I am here to LOVE them and sometimes that means they won't like me and I'm okay with that. There will be no welfare check in their mailbox if I can help it. 
I get it ----that's my thing, not yours.... and I'm totally cool with that.... You do you boo! this is where we should leave it, right?  

Had to offer up your prize winning parenting tips to MYYYY fucking kid on how you think IIIIIIII should be handling shit?? you have the kids hold your joint for you while you're writing that gripping parenting manual? Check it out- the outcome hasn't been so stellar so here's an idea, stay the fuck out of my business. You go serve up book club with your #1 best selling parenting handbook, and leave us the fuck alone. Sound good? 

Look- I'm not claiming to be mother Teresa...(stop laughing)... I'm just saying to each their own (and I understand there are exceptions) BUT- if you're going to stick your nose over the fence into someone's yard to pass out landscaping tips, you might want to make sure you've cleaned up your own shit...and you DEFINITELY might think of zipping your lip when your yard is fertilized with manure.  

Sincerely not concerned with your opinion,

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Falalala....F*** off.....

WELL Goooooood Morning.


SO- about a month, a local popular coffee shop may have started pushing out propaganda for their newest addition the holiday line up. Said new edition excited the FUCK out of me!!! Like a crackhead with a lighter, I COULD NOT WAIT!!!! Well, lucky me! I have a friend who has a friend, who bought some shit of the Internet from a friend who might have some insider information about said coffee shop corporation who has already tasted this new concoction and, JUST as I suspected ... its AMAZEBALLSSSSSSS.....
Now- if you could have seen me in that moment, you would have thought that I won both showcases in the showcase showdown!  (if you're confused right now, google that shit)  You see, coffee is the only thing I appreciate as much as wine--- let me tell you why.
Coffee isn't just a "drink"... its a symbol. I enjoy my coffee before anyone else in my house senses that my feet have hit the ground (because when I'm up and they smell it, that means their personal assistant is available for service). Coffee = "ME" time. I've always been an early riser but as I get older, Its a little earlier every day to enjoy juuuuuuust a smidgen more of this modern myth we call  "me time". (Eventually, my alarm is going to go off at 2 am and I'm not going to know WHAT the fuck to drink!).You see, it the grown up world, coffee is representative of PEACE to me and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.
The male spawn has hit the age where he dabbles in the cup of coffee from time to time. SOMETIMES, he likes to sneak a couple sips of mine. I'm not a fan.... he actually does it quite often and you would think he killed my puppy by the way I stare him up and down...

Wine is almost the same thing. Its the "wind down". I've spent the whole day in "Go mode" and sometimes, I just don't know when to stop. I've been known to clean a toilet with my purse and keys in hand after work.....SO--- I guess that makes me a fucking opportunist.

SO let me back up just a hair ... my friend of a friend and I were under the impression that said new holiday drink was out for the general public to enjoy, so we pulled out our fancy little reloadable gold cards like a couple of first graders playing yu-gi-oh on the playground and OFF she went to said coffee pusher/drug dealer. (I probably should have invested in their stock as soon as I discovered this fabulous little coffee shop -- unfortunately, that ship has sailed and I am stillllllll working.... hey- junior college builds character.... )

Friend: "HI! do you have the *insert newdrink name here* ?"

Coffee pusher/parade rainer: "Sorrrrrryyyyyyyyyy...that's not out yet! Can I get you something else?" She said with a shit eating grin her face.  <------(FUCK her...she's a bitch.)
Right about this time, friend looks up to see that allllll of their syrups are stacked above the register and she notices that one has the abbreviation for said new holiday beverage.

WTF? SO these mother fuckers are holding OUT!!! At the end of the day, she walked away with our old drinks. stuck waiting until mid month for that new little morsel to hit the shelves. (even though we know its already there). Moral of the story? He who has the gold makes the rules. That little espresso pusher has the gold so I won't be tasting that fabulous little cup of lovejoy until November 12th.

Oh, and it BETTER be good or that bitch is wearing it!!!! Happy Fall folks!

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Guess what I heard? ....I'm a bad mom....????

So it has recently been brought to my attention that I am a bad mom.

Well then.... THANK YOU----  Captain Obvious....

Really though--- the reason for the observation from some "Judge Judy's" was solely based on the fact that  "I never post any pictures or anything WITH or ABOUT my kids.".

Well, SHIT!! If I don't post it on Instaface, then I MUST not be doing it!!  Well then Sugar Shorts! come here...I have a little something to whisper in your face.....


Fuck off. Yup.... GO fuck yourself.

I can barely remember to grab my keys and my purse when we go places, let alone prep myself for 80 selfies.
Not that I owe anyone any explanation for my non-photo posting ass, but, just for shits and giggles,  let me enlighten you to a few reasons why I don't post every single moment of our lives on the world wide web.

#1. I don't want to. .

#2. I don't give a shit what people "THINK" about how my family spends quality time together. Maybe we're tripping old ladies and taking candy from unsuspecting babies, it's none of anyone's fucking business.

#3. Here's why IDGAF---  I work.... a lot.... and when I am not working in the office, I am working at home, being a terrible mother. My time with my family is just that--MY time with MY family. That's the way I like it. I don't want to be worried about my lipgloss, or if my hair falling right, etc... (which we ALL know is what happens when taking 84 selfies before approving one that is instaface worthy).
I just want to be with them- doing whatever we're doing.  I'm not saying it has to be everyone's cup of wine but, I don't give a shit. When I feel like stopping and taking a photo to share with the world, you'll know-- don't assume that but just because I haven't put myself out there on blast with 112 pictures of our trip to the grocery store, that we didn't go to the grocery store. I have done my time in John's incredible pizza, bitch! And it WASN'T pretty....

(This little "list of reasons" was going to be a whole lot fucking longer but my wine was going to get warm).

SO- with that being said, I don't care if you do want to instaface your life, that works for you- and if we are friends, I enjoy checkin' that shit out (and if we hate each other, then I REALLY enjoy checkin' out the shitty stuff.) because I don't get out much- we probably wouldn't see each other until we were 60 if there were no I appreciate that you share! I, unfortunately suck at that, so suck it.

for the most part, I try not to judge-- BUT---- There is ONE exception to the "do Whatcha want" rule. THIS my friends, is a PET PEEVE for good ol' Badmomdotcom....

 The parents that don't do a goddamn thing- EXCEPT post  pictures.

THe one's that don't contribute to any of the ACTUAL parenting in any way, but BOIEEEEEE, when they see that fucker for 5 seconds....ITS BLASTED ALLLLLLLLLLL OVER INSTAFACE!!!

 Do they ACTUALLY talk to each other during that time, or was the whole encounter a photo shoot? You know what really gets my goat, are the dumbasses they praise them for it!!!!!! WTF??? I didn't see that bitch post "HEY!! Worked 60 hours this week to make a deposit into the college fund!" or "HEY!! We were up until 3 AM working on the midterm project that that was 90% of their grade for the 3rd time this year" OR how about "had to run out for tampons at midnight because she woke up and thought she was dying"????  Here's a good one--- had a fucking heart attack when the school called....Let's just say, I had to leave work  and he has a couple of days off..." The actual parenting part.
The countless hours every day spent washing their clothes, prepping their meals, waking them up in the  (7 fucking times), tucking them in (yesssss...even the big kids), dropping them at school, checking their homework, smelling their breath to make sure they brushed their teeth, standing in their bathroom and watching them because they didn't, Dr. appt.'s,dentist appt's, holy shit the list goes on and on.
THEN---- These MOTHER FUCKERS BLAST all over about what fabulous parents they are!!

WTF? Did that just happen??? friends, does---every day...and UNFORTUNATELY, there ain't SHIT you can do about it. Trust me, the struggle is real.... you just have to sit back and wait patienly for about 25 years for them to figure it out...It blows. Doesn't mean you can't get pissy about it from time to time, but don't waste a botox injection for it.  But GODDAMN its annoying, isn't it?... That's all!  OH, and hey---- did you hear???

The pumpkin spiced latte is back. ... WINNING!!!!!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

LIKE WHOA? How did I get here? I miss my blooooooog!

I  have been WRACKING my brain trying to decide on a topic....! there have been SO MANY!!! 
 I miss my blog!! I feel like I was happier... more relaxed...oh, and-ummm...drinking a SHIT load more wine!  
So much has HAPPENED since we drank last!! I am a failure...I've let you down!!! 

The good news? ........SOOOOOOOOOOO much more MATERIAL.... it's ridiculous! 

I don't even know where to start!!!! So I will go easy on ya at first. This one's're gonna wanna grab your drink.........I'll wait.... 

JK---NO I won't.... Catch up mother fucker! 

The other day, I'm working... at my JOB..  and it was important.
We were in the crucial part of the discussion when...
I get a call from the female spawn's school... and it's not the usual "your kid owes money for their lunch balance and we've been telling you for like....12 days already" phone #. So of course, I answer.

Well, I realized almost immediately that I should have played the meeting card and left it for her dad to answer. JUST wait until I tell you about the REST of this fucking POINTLESS conversation. 

It begins with the principal (of course)--
"Hello Mrs. Badmomdotcom! This is **insert principals name**".

My first thought? (Probably inappropriate...I know...) was, "you think this is my first rodeo? Get to the fuckin' point I have shit to do". 
(No, case you're wondering, I didn't say that out loud)...The story would probably end with them in foster care and me paying child support if I had. 

Anyways---- She continues ...

"Female Spawn" was in here today as a witness...I don't want you to worry.."

ummmmmm.  don't want me to WORRY? 

STOP THE FUCKING PRESS??? What the FUCK did she witness? What did she see?? Am I going to show up on an episode of snapped??? Do I need to take a deep breath and take a shot?... This is MY DAUGHTER!!!! I will shank someone!!!??? So, like any terrible mother, I calmly answer...

"OH, NO problem!.. Is everything okay?"

she responds..."Oh yes! Definitely! Goodness! No need to worry! ... " (Like I'm the crazy bitch right now for being worried????)
"I brought the girls in today because they are having trouble getting along".
My thought at this point was, "GREAT. One of these crazy little teeny boppers bitch slapped another one..Which one?..I wonder...I think I know...., but just tell me...Hold on, let me put you on speaker, my friends are listening and we're taking bets" 

I know, it's wrong but I couldn't help it.
She continues... "I had to explain to the girls the meaning of friendship, and what it means to be friends...and how to decide if your friends or not or if it's best to go your separate ways. To figure out if they have a lasting friendship or if they should just not play with each other....Blah BLah Blah Blah Blah...."  ummmmmmmmmmm............. this conversation went on for at LEAST 10 minutes.


I kept waiting and waiting...... and FUCK-ING WAITING........... for the punch line. I just wanted to scream through the phone "WHO BITCH SLAPPED WHO, get to the good part????????"

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.... Nobody slapped anybody.  

This was one of those "we are all organic, tree hugging individuals who care about feelings and one of these little girls doesn't know how to handle their shit". ... 

SUPER sorry if that was harsh.  

Anyway, Long story short...Here's the scoop, they called me at my JOB to tell me that the girls had a spat on the playground..


That's your problem!! That's what YOU signed up forl!
TRUST me, I get it, this SUCKS! Hence, the reason I didn't choose it! Don't get me wrong! with this whole "helicopter mom" movement, you couldn't PAY me enough to teach other people's kids!  I have my fair share of babysitting days when I want to move to a compound in Texas and change my name but, YUCK!
 Keep in mind that if I thought for 2 SECONDS that this was bullying, I would snatch my little crumbsnatcher up QUICK! I would have no problem Letting her know it's not okay. if it was skinny girls picking on chunky girl or pretty girls picking on ugly girls, etc..., I would FLASH. I am NOT cool with picking on people. This was kids being kids and I can say that confidently based on the rest of the boring conversation that I didn't burden you with. This was building character. Learning that certain personalities don't mix.  
I am confessing now--- I think it's ridiculous that they deemed it necessary to contact me for this shit, at my job in the middle of the day to tell me that there were a group of girls on the playground that had a SPAT. I CHOSE to send my kids to public school and I need to understand what comes with that. I am not going to discipline my daughter for deciding whether she wants to befriend someone,and although my daughter was only brought in as a witness, It's not up to me to tell someone else what to do with their kids either. I don't see this as an opportunity to discipline my kids, or to teach her discipline. I see this as a way to teach my daughter that she is free to be whoever the FUCK she wants to be. If she personally didn't feel that someone is her cup of tea, then she doesn't HAVE to let that chick color on her paper. PERIOD. It's her paper. Welcome to the real fucking world??? people wont like you... who gives a shit. I deal with it every day. (I know, weird, right? but it happens...)

I know your  first question will be, "what if my daughter was in the other position"- I have 2 answers.

#1. My job is to teach her that she is is beautiful enough and amazing that she is enough. she does NOT have to surround herself with people who think she needs to change.  She is awesome enough to shine on her own without all them other broads trying to steal her thunder. PS---you don't need highlights or a boob job til you're at LEAST 25....

#2. My daughter is awesome. Of all the things I have EVER instilled in her, the #1 thing is that she is smart and funny and beautiful and doesn't need anything or anyone to tell her that. If for any reason, someone decides to tell her otherwise......

FUCK 'EM....

She'll be signing their paycheck one day. 

and taking over my blog.......!!!!!!!! Back with a vengeance! 

Thursday, April 18, 2013

The Scarlet letter.......

Once again, I go out to my mailbox for the first time in that I have starter paper for my fireplace.

I sift through the MOUND of junk mail only to find my THIRD notice about my childs excessive tardiness... So far this year.... Let me tell you how fucking crazy it drives my husband that I am late to EVERYTHING. I try....I really do!! But I have to squeeze so much shit into a limited amount of time that sometimes...okay...all the time....I exceed that tiny little time limit. So I've decided that I just might write them back.

"Dear nosy judgmental public school-
I am writing this letter in response to your most recent letter hom explaining to me that my child "Female Spawn" has been tardy or absent at least 3 times so far this semester.

FIRST of all- do you homework. she's been tardy, NEVER absent. soooooo,  IN YOUR FACE!

second, Please define "Tardy". Because my understanding is that school starts at 8:45. The clock in my car is exactly 5 minutes fast...why, you ask? I don't know. It's pointless.. BUT... when I drop her off at :8:50 on my clock, she runs her cute little ass into her classroom (and her last name starts with T), please confirm on which occasions she was there before or AFTER roll was taken...If she rolled in stealth like a ninja before her name was called then technically, she was "THERE" and I want to dispute said Tardies. One more thing- If you could manage the GODDAMN traffic in the horseshoe a little more efficiently, I am sure our # would be cut in half.
AS a matter of fact, we can have another meeting to discuss the award you're going to give me for never ramming on of these stupid cottlers in your parking lot. I suggest we call it the "Patience of Jobe" award....
I'll leave that up to you.

Next--- I am all about kids taking responsibility these days, and believe that it doesn't happen nearly enough--- but TRUST me when I tell you that she is crammed up my ass while I am putting on my eyebrows to be ready on time. Girl is SET to walk out that door on time every day...If it was up to her, she would grab my keys and leave without me to teach me a lesson.
Unfortunately, she's 7.
 My understanding is that they don't start stealing our cars until at least 13-- and when they do, they're not in a hurry to get to school. So your idle threat of academic probabtion or whateverthefuck it is that you are threatening, is entirely misplaced. She's not getting her ass handed to her for this one. Here's a suggestion. Lets take some of that money that I keep donating to all of your fundraisers and offer the nostalgic "big yellow school bus" without charging me $240 a month to have her ride it???!!!

LAST but not least. Even with all of the tardies and being the little social butterfly that she is, she's still at the top of the class. So, I am passing on this suggestion. Save yourself the money for the paper, ink, and stamp and stop sending this pointless letter home. I don't care. I am well aware and you can shove it up your ass. By the time I drop her off, I have dropped the other kid off with breakfast (getting him out the door by 6 in the morning is a feat in and of itself) , been to the gym, thrown dinner in the crock pot, made her breakfast, gotten myself and my entire family up and out the door to get to work by 9... so if my kid strolls in 4 minutes late because her clothes are clean and her breakfast and dinner are made at home with love by her hardworking mom, then I just might start framing your fucking letters as honor badges."

How's that for justification.



Saturday, January 26, 2013

PUNISHMENT.... Trust me when I say "this hurts me more than it hurts you"

UGH..... So who else feels like when the kids are grounded, YOU'RE grounded.

Let's face it, you can't send them to Grandmas because we all know how that ends. they have a 42 inch flatscreen professionally hung on the wall and a brand new X box because....well.....
 "grandma needed to buy one anyway"..

This blows. I've been grounded to the house for 2 weekends straight because the male spawn got a couple of bad grades.
Trying to explain that the whole ---- "You being grounded SUCKS ASS for me" is impossible. He honestly thinks I enjoy this shit...... UMMMMM....  I'd rather get shot in the face.

When kids are grounded they will find ANY POSSIBLE reason to get "yard time".

for anyone who doesn't understand this phrase---- It's when someone is in jail/prison and they are allowed out in the fresh air to enjoy the general activities that normal people take for granted- ( me included....there's nothing I love more than locking myself in my dark house and enjoying doing nothing)

So I have inadvertantly heard the guitar portion of Hotel California and some Elton John song 14hundredfuckingtimes...
Why, do you ask??
Because he has "Guitar Class" and practice is "homework".
So... the male spawn is grounded... and once again, SO---AM----I-----
yes, again.... apparently he doesn't know the Academic FUCKING alphabet... F is BAD...
so he goes through 80 different emotions....... PER HOUR.
Anger, love, sadness, etcccc...... He hates me, loves me, every other second!!!! WTF!!???

LOOK Man!! I don't understand you!! I need some directioN!!! do you need the most recent issue of Playboy??? Do you need longer shower time??? I Don't get it!! I am so lost...
How do I be an authority figure and a confidant at the same time?
 Holy shit... This is a fucking roller coaster and it SUCKS. Could we PUHLEASSSEEEE  just go back to loving spiderman and eating dirt ...... pretty please?

IN light of allllllll this drama--------- Let me tell you what scares me more than anything....
Everyone has told me since the beginning...

"there's nothing like a teenage girl"...

WTF???Are you shitting me??? There is something worse than this,,,, RIGHT NOW?????? OMG!?

I can't even IMAGINE what is coming....what road lies ahead???? I mean, nobody warned me about teenage boys!

well, they did, but it was all about closed doors and long showers....

 but they didn't explain THIS SHIT! I have  gained 10 LBS and increased my alcohol consumption 110% since he entered his teenage years...

I think I am going to need a fucking real estate agent to help me start scoping out mental hospitals if teen girls are any worse than this.  SERIOUSLY.