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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

LIKE WHOA? How did I get here? I miss my blooooooog!

I  have been WRACKING my brain trying to decide on a topic....! there have been SO MANY!!! 
 I miss my blog!! I feel like I was happier... more relaxed...oh, and-ummm...drinking a SHIT load more wine!  
So much has HAPPENED since we drank last!! I am a failure...I've let you down!!! 

The good news? ........SOOOOOOOOOOO much more MATERIAL.... it's ridiculous! 

I don't even know where to start!!!! So I will go easy on ya at first. This one's're gonna wanna grab your drink.........I'll wait.... 

JK---NO I won't.... Catch up mother fucker! 

The other day, I'm working... at my JOB..  and it was important.
We were in the crucial part of the discussion when...
I get a call from the female spawn's school... and it's not the usual "your kid owes money for their lunch balance and we've been telling you for like....12 days already" phone #. So of course, I answer.

Well, I realized almost immediately that I should have played the meeting card and left it for her dad to answer. JUST wait until I tell you about the REST of this fucking POINTLESS conversation. 

It begins with the principal (of course)--
"Hello Mrs. Badmomdotcom! This is **insert principals name**".

My first thought? (Probably inappropriate...I know...) was, "you think this is my first rodeo? Get to the fuckin' point I have shit to do". 
(No, case you're wondering, I didn't say that out loud)...The story would probably end with them in foster care and me paying child support if I had. 

Anyways---- She continues ...

"Female Spawn" was in here today as a witness...I don't want you to worry.."

ummmmmm.  don't want me to WORRY? 

STOP THE FUCKING PRESS??? What the FUCK did she witness? What did she see?? Am I going to show up on an episode of snapped??? Do I need to take a deep breath and take a shot?... This is MY DAUGHTER!!!! I will shank someone!!!??? So, like any terrible mother, I calmly answer...

"OH, NO problem!.. Is everything okay?"

she responds..."Oh yes! Definitely! Goodness! No need to worry! ... " (Like I'm the crazy bitch right now for being worried????)
"I brought the girls in today because they are having trouble getting along".
My thought at this point was, "GREAT. One of these crazy little teeny boppers bitch slapped another one..Which one?..I wonder...I think I know...., but just tell me...Hold on, let me put you on speaker, my friends are listening and we're taking bets" 

I know, it's wrong but I couldn't help it.
She continues... "I had to explain to the girls the meaning of friendship, and what it means to be friends...and how to decide if your friends or not or if it's best to go your separate ways. To figure out if they have a lasting friendship or if they should just not play with each other....Blah BLah Blah Blah Blah...."  ummmmmmmmmmm............. this conversation went on for at LEAST 10 minutes.


I kept waiting and waiting...... and FUCK-ING WAITING........... for the punch line. I just wanted to scream through the phone "WHO BITCH SLAPPED WHO, get to the good part????????"

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.... Nobody slapped anybody.  

This was one of those "we are all organic, tree hugging individuals who care about feelings and one of these little girls doesn't know how to handle their shit". ... 

SUPER sorry if that was harsh.  

Anyway, Long story short...Here's the scoop, they called me at my JOB to tell me that the girls had a spat on the playground..


That's your problem!! That's what YOU signed up forl!
TRUST me, I get it, this SUCKS! Hence, the reason I didn't choose it! Don't get me wrong! with this whole "helicopter mom" movement, you couldn't PAY me enough to teach other people's kids!  I have my fair share of babysitting days when I want to move to a compound in Texas and change my name but, YUCK!
 Keep in mind that if I thought for 2 SECONDS that this was bullying, I would snatch my little crumbsnatcher up QUICK! I would have no problem Letting her know it's not okay. if it was skinny girls picking on chunky girl or pretty girls picking on ugly girls, etc..., I would FLASH. I am NOT cool with picking on people. This was kids being kids and I can say that confidently based on the rest of the boring conversation that I didn't burden you with. This was building character. Learning that certain personalities don't mix.  
I am confessing now--- I think it's ridiculous that they deemed it necessary to contact me for this shit, at my job in the middle of the day to tell me that there were a group of girls on the playground that had a SPAT. I CHOSE to send my kids to public school and I need to understand what comes with that. I am not going to discipline my daughter for deciding whether she wants to befriend someone,and although my daughter was only brought in as a witness, It's not up to me to tell someone else what to do with their kids either. I don't see this as an opportunity to discipline my kids, or to teach her discipline. I see this as a way to teach my daughter that she is free to be whoever the FUCK she wants to be. If she personally didn't feel that someone is her cup of tea, then she doesn't HAVE to let that chick color on her paper. PERIOD. It's her paper. Welcome to the real fucking world??? people wont like you... who gives a shit. I deal with it every day. (I know, weird, right? but it happens...)

I know your  first question will be, "what if my daughter was in the other position"- I have 2 answers.

#1. My job is to teach her that she is is beautiful enough and amazing that she is enough. she does NOT have to surround herself with people who think she needs to change.  She is awesome enough to shine on her own without all them other broads trying to steal her thunder. PS---you don't need highlights or a boob job til you're at LEAST 25....

#2. My daughter is awesome. Of all the things I have EVER instilled in her, the #1 thing is that she is smart and funny and beautiful and doesn't need anything or anyone to tell her that. If for any reason, someone decides to tell her otherwise......

FUCK 'EM....

She'll be signing their paycheck one day. 

and taking over my blog.......!!!!!!!! Back with a vengeance!