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Sunday, October 28, 2012

Bitch Betta Give me my COFFEE!!!!!

I am passing this one on from a friend. Fortunately, I never had to deal with this when I was carrying my little bundles of joy- but I PROMISE you that if I had, this guy might possibly be wearing an eye patch today.

I was recently informed of this appalling display of STUPIDITY and cannot help but pass this one on. Consider this a public safety message---because one day, you will come across the wrong pregnant chic who just might wrap your apron around your neck and choke you out.

Do you remember being close to someone who was pregnant? If you're smart, you were walking on eggshells and sleeping with one eye open.

Well, I VIVIDLY remember when I was pregnant (as does my poor,unsuspecting, and almost EX-husband). Which is why I will NEVERRRRRRRRRRRR do it again.
I was MISERABLE-- Fat, tired, uncomfortable, name it, I was wallowing in my own self pity for it.
When I wanted something, I realllllllllllly wanted it. Whether it was a hot dog from the vendor in front of the Pine Cove Bar at 11 O'clock at night or a grande iced white mocha with whipped cream and real milk, or maybe a certain kind of ice from the fountain machine at a specific gas station... I KNEW what I wanted--- and what I was comfortable putting in my body. THAT being said- Please read on. You're going to SHIT when I tell you this..... This is some crazy stuff right here.

Pregnant chic waddles her happy ass into a "well known coffee shop that rhymes with MARCLUCKS".

Because she's grown enough to give birth and dilate her uterus to 10 FUCKING CENTIMETERS to squeeze a life out of her vagina, I consider her to be old enough to order a coffee, ---right? (we can all discuss "Teen Mom" later--that's a whoooole different blog)
She ganders at the menu for a moment before she heads to the register to place her order.

Barista skips over to take her order.
She rubs her belly. (not because she glowing, but because she's probably had heartburn for the past 2 hours and wants to gargle with and then swallow an entire container of TUMS) .
"Good Morning! Welcome! What can I get for you today! "
She proceeds give him her order, which is followed by a long pause from said skipping Barista.

"Ummm. I'm Sorry Ma'am. I can't make this drink for you"

Now---- because I was not ACTUALLY the prego chic at the counter- I can't tell you exactly what she said- I can only tell the story as if I were there read on....

"Why the fuck not?"

"Ummmmmmmm... Well... (Ehem).... Because caffeine is really bad for your baby and I don't agree with drinking caffeinated beverages while you're....."with child"....."

Well   HO-----LY ----------SHIT!
How about THIS, you little judgemental PRICK???? Let's turn your penis inside out and shove a watermelon into your ball-sac. THEN You can tell me WHAT THE F*CK I am allowed to order in your establishment. Does THAT work for you????? You couldn't even handle a damn HERNIA!!! This little shitbag is going to tell me that I can't have my mocha????? Did you get high on the Nitrous before you skipped your happy little ass over here?  I'll walk the hell out of here, hop in my swagger wagon, and roll through the drive thru and you would be NONE the wiser. but for some stupid reason, you decided that its your duty to push your personal agenda on someone else. Do you FEEL better??? You saved her unborn child FROM WHAT?????  Let me guess,  one time, you happened to pick up your mom's Woman's Day Magazine instead of playboy when you went to whack off in the shitter and all the sudden your a pediatrician????

Next time, you little son-of-a- bitch, you decided to play OBGYN, bring your PH-D to work with you--THEN I MIGHT let you tell me HOW to be pregnant!!

The moral of this story is that EVERYONE has a cause. Whether it's  no lunch meat, no caffeine, no wine, no dairy , no sex, light exercise, no sun, special shampoo, no thong underwear--- whatever you deem to be best for your body and your baby, I PROMISE you that there is someone out there who can find a study somewhere to tell you that what you're doing is wrong. Believe it or not, our bodies are pretty smart and can tell us when something isn't right. (Thank goodness for Web MD right?) But no matter what, it's not up to us to decide what is right for someone else. period.

This little shit bag is lucky he still has his Adam's apple.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Halloween CANCELLED....

Let me start by giving you a little bit of background on the female spawn. She is OBSESSED with holidays and even more obsessed with her own birthday. So obsessed that the day AFTER her party every year she's already talking about next year.
This year, we are doing a Halloween themed birthday party---Seeing as how the trusty old "Halloween costume" is the biggest waste of money on the entire fuck-ing planet, I don't see anything wrong with trying to squeeze one more appearance out of the damn thing.

Yesterday on our way to school, before I put on my suit of armour and made my way towards the dreaded "Horseshoe", the female spawn pipes up and says:

"We aren't having a Halloween Party in my class"..

"Oh, are you having a Harvest Party instead?" (By the way--- harvest party? STUPID... but whatever)

"Nope. We aren't having any party at all. "Johnny" isn't allowed to celebrate Halloween and his mom says we can't have a party because it would make him feel bad".

ARE YOU SHITTING MEEEEE????? I have SOOOOOOOO MANY issues with this.
Here's the thing. We've slowly but surely ripped Halloween out of school and fluffed it up into what we now call "Harvest". Where they can only wear Scarecrow or Pilgrim constumes--Which, to me, screams "Hey bitches!! we don't care how much money you spent on the other costume, we have fabricated some reason for you to have to go spend some more of your hard earned money to buy another outfit that the kids are only going to wear once and you're going to have to find a place to put it or find some unsuspecting friend and throw it into a bag of "hand me downs" once "Harvest" is over..
My 2nd issue is that I want to slap the fuck out of Johnny's mom. YUP. Sure do. THIS "helicopter mom" Thinks she just did something righteous for her kid. She stood up to the EEEEVIL Halloween!! OOOOOOOOO!! Way to go!! You just single handedly alienated your kid from the ENTIRE class.
See here's the thing--- you dumb bitch--- you didn't stand up to some evil holiday, you didn't remove the idle threat of exposing your precious Johnny to some evil Pagan celebration. You haven't protected young Johnny from a lifetime of devil worshiping and animal sacrifices.
You took a completely innocent tradition where kids get to eat candy and play dress up and use their IMAGINATIONS, a celebration that creates comradery while they walk together and sift through their candy bags together. They put down the video game controllers and Ipods and JUST BE KIDS.
BRAVO!!! where did you get your motherly instincts, a cracker jack box???
If you want to rip your kids' childhood away because you're a dumb bitch- you go ahead. but keep it at home. By the way, how "Protective" was it to have your kid in a classroom of other kids who KNOW that they don't get to celebrate because of HIM? Because YOU have some vendetta with Halloween!!!! These people are THE WORST. Not only do they just SUCK, but to top it off they want to push their suckiness onto the whole rest of the world and pretend that they're NOT sucky ---and go about like nothing is wrong with any of this.

I often feel bad for my kids because they have such a terrible mother. But I think I might have found a kid that I feel worse for. Poor Johnny.