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Friday, March 30, 2012

Out to dinner.

Why the fuck do I bother.

I am a foodie. I love FOOD and when I go to a restaurant, it better be good. I would rather pay extra for a good meal than nothing for a shit meal.

Kids can ruin the entire experience, folks! Case and point is about to be exposed.

Tonight, after a very long week, we decided to go out to dinner. I am not too big on chains, I'll tell you that right now. I want to sit down, have a glass of wine, and unwind...if we decide to go out, THAT'S what I want to do.
Tonight, we go to a new fun little swanky spot. Not too upscale to where we though- "OH SHIT, prepare to be embarrassed" but not generic enough to say "WHO the FUCK has a Xanax I can borrow, 'cause it's about to go down!" (ie: chuck E cheese, Johns incredible pizza, McDonalds, etc...).
When we walk in, we see a chick with a baby so we figure we're good....right?
WRONG-O friends!
The female spawn busts out with her drama queen personality, IMMEDIATELY. I'm talkin', she BROUGHT it.
 FUUUUUUCK me--- dammit.
She had her head on the table, crammed up my ass, not sitting in her seat, you name it, she pulled out all the stops tonight.
Of course at first, I am attempting to use discretion-
which means, I am all up in her face with my "Mom" voice
"IF you don't knock your shit off right this second, I am dragging your ass to the bathroom for some "Act right"!!! Which she of course responds with:
WHAAAAAAAAAT??? WHAAAAAAT MOMMMYYY? I just want to sit with youuuuuu?
BULL Shit .
You saw me starting to relax.
You sensed the calming demeanor when I sat down and you couldn't stand it! You SMELLED FEAR!
So at this point it becomes pouty lips and I'm not hungry, I wanna go home... she KNEW what she was doing.
" I...I....I'm not huuuuungry. I dont' want anything".
Like Hell. You don't get to use that one til you're my age and married! That's grown ass argument "prove a point" talk. SNAP.
I look across the table and merely state a fact..."I'm going to level her ass if she doesn't get her shit together. I swear..." Hubby steps in and flashes. He wants to level her too.
She calms down a little bit until the shrimp comes out.
"uuuuuuuhuh!  THIS IS GROSS! do they have RANCH???" Now, mind you, this was NOT the quiet version!
SHUT YOUR MOUTH. SERIOUSLY. MORE wine please!!! ding! ding! ding!
(No, I didn't have a bell---- in case you were wondering.)
This attitude continued through dinner. At this point, I have take my mind to a place where I have wine and popcorn every night for dinner in a cute little condo by the mall to maintain sanity.
 The bill comes- and its not cheap.
The hubby starts having a panic attack (because he's a money Nazi) WHOOPSIES. Now we're BOTH pissed.
The kids are practically biting off each others ears in the 9th round and there's not enough wine in this place to take my blood pressure to a safe level.

And to polish the night off------------ I didn't win the damn lottery. I might as well have written a check to a therapist and had grilled cheese and top ramen.

I can't imagine WHY one would question why I work a 9 to 5? Must've lost their fucking minds.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Too soon?....or is it....

DAMMIT I hate clutter.
I take that back.
 I hate clutter in plain view. Hidden clutter is okay.
So why is it that my refrigerator looks like Dorothy should be clicking her heels together and someone should be looking for me to be crushed underneath it? Even deeper than that, why can't I just grab my "cajones" and clean it off?
As one of my facebook friends so eloquently put it, "When is it too soon to take down all the CRAP on the refrigerator"?
I don't have a good answer for this. Although, ever since she posed this question, I can't seem to take my eyes off of this cluttered mess.
Thank you, by the way.
Here's the thing. These fuckers KNOW, I don't know how--- but they DO. If you even happen to change the magnet that's holding up their math test from 3 years ago, THEY  KNOW....
but they truly can't remember that they need to brush their teeth every morning? Or grab their backpack on the way out the door? God FORBID you move the 487th stick figure drawing so that you can hang a Dr.'s Appt. reminder or something important. They fall apart! Can't find their shoes   But HO-LY SHIT, stop the FUCKING PRESS---  they can see a missing C+ math test from the top of the stairs down the hallway to the left!
"Where's my pilgrim essay?"
Ummmmm... probably in your 2nd grade school box.........
'Cause your in 8th grade now.
 Items bearing substance have no place in the hierarchy of the refrigerator display. You have to catch them off their game. When they're distracted, you can start by removing the paper from the veeeerrryyyyyback of the shit pile. One by one, you have to pick them off. It doesn't stop here people, you have to pick off the magnets too. If they see a free magnet, THEY WILL OCCUPY IT. This is a gradual process--- and you're not going to win them all.
At the end of the day- I don't have a fool proof resolution to this age old battle. I haven't won it yet. I can promise you though, that I try to find ways to de-clutter the "museum of repetitive art" that is my refrigerator, every day. The idea of accomplishing this without conflict seems difficult, not impossible, but "throwing away the binky" difficult. Good luck friends and if you happen to accomplish this without giving up and saying FUCK IT (kinda like the cowboy boots and tu-tu's to the grocery store). Please share. Millions of desperate clutter freaks NEED your wisdom.

Monday, March 26, 2012



I hate these people. I have a WHOLE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD of them. You know the one's-- Where it doesn't matter if you're going 15 MPH or 50MPH, they look at you stupid because you're driving on the road that they are walking next to---usually with their kid or their dog or some shit.
Dog walkers are pretty bad because our little fur babies like to make the ol' walk as difficult as possible by walking directly around a pole or stretching their leash as far as it will stretch to intentionally jog in the middle of the road. I don't know if they are sniffing exhaust fumes, or WTF, but it's annoying either way. No matter how you look at it, it's not my problem.
But kid walkers are the WORST. If you see someone who is walking with their kid they will stare you DOWN when you drive by. Like "HOW DARE YOU drive down the same street that my precious little gem walks by? no matter HOW fast or slow you are going. You must be at a complete stop, or the stare down is inevitable.
I met one of these this morning.
I pull out of my guessed it,...... running late. I wasn't even 5 houses down from my own. I sure did look at the speedometer at the time of the incident and  I was traveling at 24 MPH. My engine had revved because I had JUST  put the car in drive (from reversing out of the driveway) and had to step on the gas. NOW- Please understand that I will leave my neighborhood at 50 if I feel like it. because you can't win with these people anyway, so why not. But this morning, I hadn't even had the opportunity to go that fast yet when he so RUDELY interrupted me. I am also figuring that in about 5 more seconds I would have been speeding, no doubt. The fact is, I wasn't yet. this Asshole comes out to the middle of the road, waving his fist and screaming obscenities telling me to slow down.
I proceed to flip him off, while scrunching my nose and hammering the gas pedal. 
I hate him. for more reasons than one. First of all, I can't wait til your crumb snatcher is a teenager and walks in the middle of the street. He will end up being one of those punks that stays in the middle of the street just to piss people off. I can't wait because someone will run his ass over. He WILL be this kid. you're teaching him that other people need to change their behavior,that he doesn't need to look around and pay attention. My kids BETTER learn that they need to be conscious of their surroundings. People drive fast. Everywhere. People throw things, people text and drive, blah blah blah. As long as they are paying attention they should be able to avoid getting their leg ripped off. NOW- What was this kid doing?
OMIGAWSH! I am so glad you asked!
Looking down not paying a LICK of attention.
I saw you guys, DICKweed! I saw you when I left my driveway! had he been on his bike, or playing with a ball, I may have done things differently because I am AWARE of my surroundings. But KNOW this. I don't give a shit if the wind from my passing trucks knocks you both on your ass. But you jumping in the middle of the road, swinging your fist and yelling obscenities was AWESOME. Because your crumb snatcher looked PETRIFIED. He didn't seem to be bothered by my passing truck, but your little display seemed to make him almost wet his pants. *CLAP * CLAP* CLAP* BEAUTIFUL performance shitface. 
Don't worry, my bad ass attitude will be the same when I get home, and you see my truck. Then you trek alllll the way down to my house, to find a glass of wine in my hand and a whole lotta "I don't give a fuck" coming out of my mouth. Sleep well! I know I will!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Why it doesn't pay to try and be a "good mom".

Last week was exceptionally crappy. There was one small ray of sunshine in my week that I held onto with kung fu grip. I had bunko on Friday and it was at my house. This meant I could drink until I could barely say bunko.My job can be particularly demanding at times. Those times are Monday through Friday, from 7AM to 7PM- ish. So YES- bunko is exciting. I do my best to find a good balance between work and home life but sometimes one takes over the other. We've discussed a lot of the reasons that I am a terrible mother, one of which being that I work a 9-5....actually it's more like an 8:30-6:30 ish. I squeeze a lot of stuff into a little bit of time.
Back to the story.
 I got a phone call last week from a loving, doting, individual in my kids' lives. I want to throw out the disclaimer that I understand that this person loves us all and would do ANYTHING for any person in my family. They have a huge heart and really, truly, DO only mean well. Now, with that being said, she ripped me a new asshole last week. My sons grades are shitty, so he's grounded. I know we're not supposed to do that  anymore, we're supposed to let them be free souls and give them space to be individuals and all that Emo crap. Unfortunately that flies over like a fart in church at my house. You are either an active participating member of our family or you are exiled to the "have some respect and get off your lazy ass" dungeon.  Well to some people, they're take on it is that my son would "have some respect and get off his lazy ass" if I were a doting loving stay at home mom, but since I never see my children and they are so scarred, this is their cry for attention. It's sad really. I was going to sell him to a band of traveling gypsies to offer him a more comfortable life but then who would empty the dishwasher? Guess I better wait 'til the female spawn is old enough to do it.
Anyhow- Yes, I do occasionally deal with a smidgen of personal turmoil about how much I work. That turmoil is typically interrupted when one of my kids chucks the remote control at the other one's head, triggering an all out war of the siblings. So this weekend, I spent Saturday doing my weekly mom stuff Laundry, bills, menu planning, (you know, all the stuff that gets us all fired up and pissed off) then we sat down and watched movies and spent time together.
Sounds super sweet and innocent, right?
I'mma call bullshit on myself right now.
I did it, because I brought home work that  HAAAAD to be done over the weekend. No exceptions. So Sunday morning the hubby says "We should take the kids to the snow!"
I responded with "uhhhhhhhhh.... you sure? I mean, a storm could roll in...uhh... I just put a 10 course breakfast on the table so I could go hide and work while you were all distracted"

"We'll be home by 6 or 7 and you can finish work stuff."

WTF do I say to THAT??  I've already been called out for my work habits this week???? They're all playing on my weakness right now and that blows. So you know what I did?

caved to the guilt and got our snow shit ready,  hopped in the truck and rode off into the sunset.

Know what I did after that?

Got stuck in the DAMNED truck for 12 hours, with no internet connection, 2 hungry restless kids, A bag of crappy snacks and a coffee. Oh, and a big ass thing of water that I couldn't drink because i didn't know when I was going to be able to pee again. PSHHHHH- I'm not making THAT mistake twice.

Know what I did after that?

clenched my ass cheeks together for the last 1/2 of the ride home because the axle broke on the truck, and we fishtailed every time the hunny nudged the gas pedal. Good thing too because doing butt clenches was the ONLY exercise that I got that day (thank you Jane Fonda for making that an actual "exercise"). You got it people, instead of just saying,"no judge Judy, I won't spend my life being guilted about the fact that I work and I like it! I am going to do the work that I said I was going to do and not feel a bit bad about it. My family can go to the snow if they want to, but unfortunately, I am scared pissless of flying off of a cliff in a snowstorm and not being drunk enough to sleep through it". I caved and you know where it got me? pissed off, cold, wet, annoyed and 2 metal plates for butt cheeks. So I guess LITERALLY being a good mom almost killed me

BTW--- I Still haven't gotten a VD gift.