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Thursday, October 27, 2011

Not just another bad mom....

I am a bad wife also. was already taken on blogspot and let me TELL you, I AIN'T "that" kinda bad mom..... ehhem.... anyways-
As we get a little closer to Halloween and all of the hot costumes are hitting the shelves, everyone is reminiscing Halloween's passed with their photos all over facebook. You have a Sexy cat, Sexy cop, Sexy Beer Wench, Naked Ballerina, you know, the usual. Here is where I tell you why I am a terrible wife. My husband married me because I can cook. OH, and I can shotgun a beer faster than anyone I have ever met - I am (proudly) the reigning neighborhood champion. He also married a smart ass, foul mouthed, bad mom. Which means I don't wear a sexy anything. my 2 most recent costumes were a fat lady with a dog stuck up her butt and a 200 lb. red hat lady. Complete with wrinkled fake skin and red lips drawn up to my nostrils. I even had red orthopedic shoes. I have my reasons though. people. I look at it like this, ANY day of the year, I can run around with my boobs pushed up to my neck in a short skirt and go to the club, pretending to be 25 again. Or in the summer, I can run around in my bikini that is merely a bra and panties that matches. When will I EVER get to rock a moomoo with a stuffed dog up my crack? HALLOWEEN, my friends! THAT'S WHEN!
So this year, while everyone's wife is running around looking like a Victoria's Secret model at a playboy  photo shoot, my husband will once again stand out from the crowd. I will be rocking black stretch shorts with a  fat suit, and a BIG ASS RED T-SHIRT that says "biggest loser" - That's right folks, I am going as a contestant- at the beginning of the season. Suck on that.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

SMILE! It's picture day and your mom is a having a BIPOLAR PSYCHOTIC BREAK!

Picture day---Most of us have a few of those old school pictures left laying around somwhere. We have missing teeth in first grade, crazy hair in 5th grade, jacked up clothes from that "GOTH" phase in high school- We won't even TALK about my eyebrows in 11th grade- I was like an extra in "Mi Vida Loca". The issue here is that at some point, picture day has turned into this parade of parents trying to prove that they are a better parent than everyone by absorbing themselves into yet one more piece of their kids' existence. Well, PTA Princess, you're ROBBING your kids of the utter humiliation of the school photo. YOU suck. I need to share a couple of examples with you.If you can relate to any of these, then you suck too, and I don't know how you found my blog.
One parent sent her kids picture package back with a note that said;
"Need Re-takes, you made her neck too long"
WTF did the picture company have to do with making your kids' neck? NEWSFLASH! The picture company had absolutely NOTHING to do with you and your significant other breeding long necked spawn. Put a scarf on her and send her on her way.

Then there is THIS little girl who "Practiced in the bathroom by turning the lights on and off really fast so that she could be ready for the flash!" Uhhhhhhhh..... there is a practice ritual for school pictures??? MAYBE you should go practice reading and writing.

And Finally,  my personal favorite-- of all time. A little boy at one of these overpriced, stuffy, daycare centers- OH wait, sorry,---they call it preschool now. He sits down, takes his photo, (remember I said pre school) and when he asks if he can see it, he looks and says "I want to re-take it. I feel as if I look like I am repressing anger"
WELL HOLY SHIT Eeyore! Why don't you go eat some worms? I sure hope your mommy and daddy like you because, with an attitude like that, nobody else will. GEEEEEZUS. C'mon people!!! It's not that serious. It's ONE photo. In the land of digital photography and photoshop, let them have one memory of who they were at that moment in their life, not who you wanted people to think they were. Who GIVES A RATS ASS if someone else thinks your kids eyes are squinty or neck is sticking out, let them be them. If you want re-takes FINE. but blame yourself, not the camera.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

I'm starting a movement............U can join me if you want to

Yesterday, I got SUPER DUPER excited about Thanksgiving. I realized that it's only a month away and I almost went and bought the Turkeys. It's my favorite Holiday on the calendar because it's allll about food! There are no gifts expected, Turkeys go down to $5- $10 a piece, you can use butter & cream and nobody gives  a crap. *sigh* MAN, I LOVE TURKEY DAY. Then of course I start thinking ahead and remember that Christmas isn't that far away from my beloved turkey day. So much for a good mood. I started counting days til my "Good" paycheck and mapping out what bills I can put off until January so that I can afford to by each of the kids a corvette or some sh*t to top the level of presents from LAST year. Does anyone else feel this way? Like every year they get more and more crap that they don't use? SERIOUSLY, The male spawn had to have a mini laptop- It's sitting there holding up my coffee cup. That was $400 shithead!  the 3 story littlest pet shop that the female spawn HAAAAAAAD to have is buried under 3 feet of my old purses and yard sale items that she has picked up this year (that's right folks, its her favorite past time! Hours of bonding time for $5) SO-- My movement is THIS! 5 normal sized presents, each. One big present each. and I am NOT gonna feel bad. I need to lower the bar. They don't expect me to be a good mom, I am going to need them to hold the same standard for ol' St. Nick! Starting this year!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

To curse or not to curse

This is probably one of my most controversial "bad mom"  habits. I curse in front of my kids----and I am totally okay with it. I also forget to filter sometimes------FINE---- all the time, when I am around other people's kids. If that bothers them, I'm okay with that also. Honestly, I think it's gotten me out of babysitting SOOOOOOO many times that it's priceless. Here is my take on cussing in front of the kiddos. I am the authority figure. I am not your friend. I am your parent. You don't get to dictate how I run my ship because I've done my time on the "respect your elders" bus. SO THERE.Here's the other thing- I am not naive enough to think that not cussing in front of the kids is going to keep them from doing it. I PROMISE you that your kids cuss when you're not around. There are exceptions. Like when they're sleeping. Here's why I don't give a crap----as long as they respect my authority enough to watch their mouths in front of ME and other adults then I am comfortable that my kids are learning what I want them to learn. This is one of those "Other people think I am a bad mom" things. It doesn't matter if I put a home cooked meal on the table every night, if I hug them and kiss them and tuck them in, or if I work the PTA like Jillian Michaels at a Fat Camp- Someone out there has CPS on speed dial at the grocery store when I look at my kids and yell " Get your asses over here, this ain't a goddamn playground".  If you are the parent who feels that you have to behave on the same level as your kids, that's fine with me, but guess what- until you wash their shit streaked underwear or clean up their 3 am puke mess, you don't get to tell me what to do, I am grown. so suck on that. BOO-YAAAAAAH.

Why does the weather bring 'em out?

I MUST go on this rant. It has recently started raining here in Northern Cali. I love the rain but unfortunately, it brings the idiots to the road. I see it all the time when I drop the kids. Now this blog post is for one of my very nearest and dearest friends. She lives across the street from a school,  bless her heart. NOW- keep in mind that she is aware that there will be horendous horseshoe traffic every day. She is also aware that people will park in front of her house. We can all agree that this is a realistic expectation when living in a school zone, right? OKAY----She was NOT aware that these lazy, worthless BAD MOM's would move her garbage can every day, Park in her driveway every day, park their piece of crap car on her LAWN every day and THEN, just when you think it couldn't get any worse, they look at her stupid when she expects them to move!!! You lazy shitbags!!! I am all for waiting in the line so that you don't have to walk 4 miles to pick up the kids, but to park you car on someone's sprinkler makes you a lazy shit bag. Keep this in mind people. Someone is always watching. BTW- Let me nominate the chic from yesterday as bad mom of the week. Here she thought she was doing her kid a favor by getting him as close to the school as possible to drop him off---to keep his little fruity ass out of the rain- but instead she was teaching him that it is okay to disrespect other people's space and things if it's only for a minute and it suits your needs at the time. CONGRATULATIONS shit bag, YOU'RE the bad mom of the week!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

GOOOOOOD Morning! So I am still tooling around with this whole "Blog" thing. Last night, I am sitting there chatting with my sister-in-law about the situation. The male spawn pipes up "I have friends who build web pages if you need help, mom"
My biggest issue with this entire conversation is that I considered it. I could pay one of these little skinny jeans wearing, hair's too goddamned long, 13 year olds twenty bucks to bust out my blog.hmmm...
Then what? How do I update it? How do I add? How do I learn? I Don't...well sh*t- I guess I gotta do it myself. 
It's funny how many times a day now, that I recognize funny additions for the blog- now I need a new watch (the kind that goes slower that a normal watch) so that there is enough time to post all this stuff! Hopefully I will get all "Blogger Saaaaaavvvyyy" Like the 8th graders are, and be able to take over the world, Pinky! (8th graders don't know about THAT now do they!!! Pinky and the Brain Bitches!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Today, I grant myself the "bad mom of the week" award...

I know I know, It is awfully early in the week to be awarding anyone "bad mom of the week", but since I was so terrible all day yesterday, I HAVE to hand out this dubious award  on a Tuesday.
FIRST and foremost- let me explain how badly I LOATHED the idea of getting out of bed yesterday morning. But I did it. I got everyone ready, by this I mean, I had to keep my head crammed up everyone's ass until they conpleted the same morning agenda of tasks that we have done every morning of their lives. I also took the dog outside ( so that he could get the minimal amount of piss out if his system to ensure that he could save some----to piss in my house later-----DAMN, I love that dog), I half assed got ready myself,although didn't pack my lunch---then headed out the door (late, of course). I was inches from being at work when I got the call from the male spawns' school. I allllllmost didn't answer, but that would make me a terrible mother.
I answered to the sound of my kid sounding extra convincing about how hurt he was.
Male Spawn: "Mooooooooommmmm?"
(WHO the hell else answers my cell phone in the morning while I am on my way to work?) I wanted to say this but I didn't
Male spawn: " I sprained my finger and it hurts really bad"
ME: "uhhhhhhhhhh.... OK..Tape it up and go back to class?"
Him: "They can't tape it up. It's really swollen"
ME: "WHAT? They can't tape it up? Alright, *BLEEEEEP*  I'm on my way"
so much for enjoying my cuppa starbucks.
I can't believe that these shit bags actually let my kid call me for a sprained finger?? At this point, I call our insurance advice line, thinking "Okay, maybe things have changed since i was a kid and they can actually do something about a sprained finger these days..." after my 6 minute hold time they told me what I already knew...there ain't a damned thing they can do with it.
So at this point I show up to the school (pissed) and the chick at the front looks at me stupid- so I go on to explain why I was there and she says "Oh, hold on, he was just calling to see where you were because you only live a mile away" hahahahahaha....
go *bleep* yourself.
Well let's see, considering I have a job, much unlike the other scrapbooking, cupcake baking, tree huggers here in suburbia, I was actually---- WHAT????  ALMOST AT WORK....
My kid comes over,  and I see the finger.
The thumb to be exact.
I almost broke it myself. There was NOTHING WRONG with the finger. He jammed it playing basketball.
ARE you shitting me? These people let my kid call me, so that I could drive alllllll the way down there, they let me sign him out for a jammed FINGER????  THIS is what is wrong with kids these days!!!! My mom would have drop kicked me IN the office right there if I had called her at work to pick me up for a jammed finger. My mom probably would have had the balls to slap the broad at the desk too, but that's another blog post.
So, I end up an hour and an half late with a cold $4 latte because of this crap. I understand that at some point, someone got mad because the school didn't call them when their kids jammed their finger. so the school got in trouble, so unfortunately, the rest of us have to deal with this typa crap. Those people shouldn't be allowed to breed. I should have been at work sucking down my lovely latte and my kid should have been sent back to class. You won't always be able to call your mommy to come and kiss it better.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

welcome! The first step is admitting you're a bad, we will work on embracing it.

We've all been there, right? The last mom to pick up the kids from the craziness that is... the after school "horseshoe", the mom who didn't turn in their order for the book fair, the mom who wiped the kids down with a washcloth because we wanted 10 more minutes of sleep, or the mom that didn't hand the kids their lunch money; because you REALLLLY needed to stop at Starbucks on the way to work. The difference between me and your resident "craft hour everyday", helps in every class (for every kid), sews their own *bleeping* clothes PTA mom, is that I truly don't give a rats ass if they think I am a bad mom or not. Opinions are like ...........belly buttons...... everyone's got one. I can't even begin to tell you how refreshing it is when I hear another mom drop an "F" bomb, or say that they're late again to get the kids. I've created this blog to bless the general public with my psychotic rants- and drop a few recipes here and there. Since I don't mind being honest, and have no problem admitting to everyone that I have actually told my kids to "STFU" (and NOT in the form of an acronym), I hope that sharing my blog may help you feel just a little bit better about yourself. Maybe help a couple of you loosen up a little and realize that no matter what you do, how much you participate, how much you donate, how many bake sales you run for the school, there WILL be someone out there that thinks you could do better. You just have to learn to say "I just don't give a rats ass"...and go about your bidness.