Search This Blog

Thursday, April 18, 2013

The Scarlet letter.......

Once again, I go out to my mailbox for the first time in that I have starter paper for my fireplace.

I sift through the MOUND of junk mail only to find my THIRD notice about my childs excessive tardiness... So far this year.... Let me tell you how fucking crazy it drives my husband that I am late to EVERYTHING. I try....I really do!! But I have to squeeze so much shit into a limited amount of time that sometimes...okay...all the time....I exceed that tiny little time limit. So I've decided that I just might write them back.

"Dear nosy judgmental public school-
I am writing this letter in response to your most recent letter hom explaining to me that my child "Female Spawn" has been tardy or absent at least 3 times so far this semester.

FIRST of all- do you homework. she's been tardy, NEVER absent. soooooo,  IN YOUR FACE!

second, Please define "Tardy". Because my understanding is that school starts at 8:45. The clock in my car is exactly 5 minutes fast...why, you ask? I don't know. It's pointless.. BUT... when I drop her off at :8:50 on my clock, she runs her cute little ass into her classroom (and her last name starts with T), please confirm on which occasions she was there before or AFTER roll was taken...If she rolled in stealth like a ninja before her name was called then technically, she was "THERE" and I want to dispute said Tardies. One more thing- If you could manage the GODDAMN traffic in the horseshoe a little more efficiently, I am sure our # would be cut in half.
AS a matter of fact, we can have another meeting to discuss the award you're going to give me for never ramming on of these stupid cottlers in your parking lot. I suggest we call it the "Patience of Jobe" award....
I'll leave that up to you.

Next--- I am all about kids taking responsibility these days, and believe that it doesn't happen nearly enough--- but TRUST me when I tell you that she is crammed up my ass while I am putting on my eyebrows to be ready on time. Girl is SET to walk out that door on time every day...If it was up to her, she would grab my keys and leave without me to teach me a lesson.
Unfortunately, she's 7.
 My understanding is that they don't start stealing our cars until at least 13-- and when they do, they're not in a hurry to get to school. So your idle threat of academic probabtion or whateverthefuck it is that you are threatening, is entirely misplaced. She's not getting her ass handed to her for this one. Here's a suggestion. Lets take some of that money that I keep donating to all of your fundraisers and offer the nostalgic "big yellow school bus" without charging me $240 a month to have her ride it???!!!

LAST but not least. Even with all of the tardies and being the little social butterfly that she is, she's still at the top of the class. So, I am passing on this suggestion. Save yourself the money for the paper, ink, and stamp and stop sending this pointless letter home. I don't care. I am well aware and you can shove it up your ass. By the time I drop her off, I have dropped the other kid off with breakfast (getting him out the door by 6 in the morning is a feat in and of itself) , been to the gym, thrown dinner in the crock pot, made her breakfast, gotten myself and my entire family up and out the door to get to work by 9... so if my kid strolls in 4 minutes late because her clothes are clean and her breakfast and dinner are made at home with love by her hardworking mom, then I just might start framing your fucking letters as honor badges."

How's that for justification.



Saturday, January 26, 2013

PUNISHMENT.... Trust me when I say "this hurts me more than it hurts you"

UGH..... So who else feels like when the kids are grounded, YOU'RE grounded.

Let's face it, you can't send them to Grandmas because we all know how that ends. they have a 42 inch flatscreen professionally hung on the wall and a brand new X box because....well.....
 "grandma needed to buy one anyway"..

This blows. I've been grounded to the house for 2 weekends straight because the male spawn got a couple of bad grades.
Trying to explain that the whole ---- "You being grounded SUCKS ASS for me" is impossible. He honestly thinks I enjoy this shit...... UMMMMM....  I'd rather get shot in the face.

When kids are grounded they will find ANY POSSIBLE reason to get "yard time".

for anyone who doesn't understand this phrase---- It's when someone is in jail/prison and they are allowed out in the fresh air to enjoy the general activities that normal people take for granted- ( me included....there's nothing I love more than locking myself in my dark house and enjoying doing nothing)

So I have inadvertantly heard the guitar portion of Hotel California and some Elton John song 14hundredfuckingtimes...
Why, do you ask??
Because he has "Guitar Class" and practice is "homework".
So... the male spawn is grounded... and once again, SO---AM----I-----
yes, again.... apparently he doesn't know the Academic FUCKING alphabet... F is BAD...
so he goes through 80 different emotions....... PER HOUR.
Anger, love, sadness, etcccc...... He hates me, loves me, every other second!!!! WTF!!???

LOOK Man!! I don't understand you!! I need some directioN!!! do you need the most recent issue of Playboy??? Do you need longer shower time??? I Don't get it!! I am so lost...
How do I be an authority figure and a confidant at the same time?
 Holy shit... This is a fucking roller coaster and it SUCKS. Could we PUHLEASSSEEEE  just go back to loving spiderman and eating dirt ...... pretty please?

IN light of allllllll this drama--------- Let me tell you what scares me more than anything....
Everyone has told me since the beginning...

"there's nothing like a teenage girl"...

WTF???Are you shitting me??? There is something worse than this,,,, RIGHT NOW?????? OMG!?

I can't even IMAGINE what is coming....what road lies ahead???? I mean, nobody warned me about teenage boys!

well, they did, but it was all about closed doors and long showers....

 but they didn't explain THIS SHIT! I have  gained 10 LBS and increased my alcohol consumption 110% since he entered his teenage years...

I think I am going to need a fucking real estate agent to help me start scoping out mental hospitals if teen girls are any worse than this.  SERIOUSLY.