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Saturday, November 8, 2014

Falalala....F*** off.....

WELL Goooooood Morning.


SO- about a month, a local popular coffee shop may have started pushing out propaganda for their newest addition the holiday line up. Said new edition excited the FUCK out of me!!! Like a crackhead with a lighter, I COULD NOT WAIT!!!! Well, lucky me! I have a friend who has a friend, who bought some shit of the Internet from a friend who might have some insider information about said coffee shop corporation who has already tasted this new concoction and, JUST as I suspected ... its AMAZEBALLSSSSSSS.....
Now- if you could have seen me in that moment, you would have thought that I won both showcases in the showcase showdown!  (if you're confused right now, google that shit)  You see, coffee is the only thing I appreciate as much as wine--- let me tell you why.
Coffee isn't just a "drink"... its a symbol. I enjoy my coffee before anyone else in my house senses that my feet have hit the ground (because when I'm up and they smell it, that means their personal assistant is available for service). Coffee = "ME" time. I've always been an early riser but as I get older, Its a little earlier every day to enjoy juuuuuuust a smidgen more of this modern myth we call  "me time". (Eventually, my alarm is going to go off at 2 am and I'm not going to know WHAT the fuck to drink!).You see, it the grown up world, coffee is representative of PEACE to me and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.
The male spawn has hit the age where he dabbles in the cup of coffee from time to time. SOMETIMES, he likes to sneak a couple sips of mine. I'm not a fan.... he actually does it quite often and you would think he killed my puppy by the way I stare him up and down...

Wine is almost the same thing. Its the "wind down". I've spent the whole day in "Go mode" and sometimes, I just don't know when to stop. I've been known to clean a toilet with my purse and keys in hand after work.....SO--- I guess that makes me a fucking opportunist.

SO let me back up just a hair ... my friend of a friend and I were under the impression that said new holiday drink was out for the general public to enjoy, so we pulled out our fancy little reloadable gold cards like a couple of first graders playing yu-gi-oh on the playground and OFF she went to said coffee pusher/drug dealer. (I probably should have invested in their stock as soon as I discovered this fabulous little coffee shop -- unfortunately, that ship has sailed and I am stillllllll working.... hey- junior college builds character.... )

Friend: "HI! do you have the *insert newdrink name here* ?"

Coffee pusher/parade rainer: "Sorrrrrryyyyyyyyyy...that's not out yet! Can I get you something else?" She said with a shit eating grin her face.  <------(FUCK her...she's a bitch.)
Right about this time, friend looks up to see that allllll of their syrups are stacked above the register and she notices that one has the abbreviation for said new holiday beverage.

WTF? SO these mother fuckers are holding OUT!!! At the end of the day, she walked away with our old drinks. stuck waiting until mid month for that new little morsel to hit the shelves. (even though we know its already there). Moral of the story? He who has the gold makes the rules. That little espresso pusher has the gold so I won't be tasting that fabulous little cup of lovejoy until November 12th.

Oh, and it BETTER be good or that bitch is wearing it!!!! Happy Fall folks!

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Guess what I heard? ....I'm a bad mom....????

So it has recently been brought to my attention that I am a bad mom.

Well then.... THANK YOU----  Captain Obvious....

Really though--- the reason for the observation from some "Judge Judy's" was solely based on the fact that  "I never post any pictures or anything WITH or ABOUT my kids.".

Well, SHIT!! If I don't post it on Instaface, then I MUST not be doing it!!  Well then Sugar Shorts! come here...I have a little something to whisper in your face.....


Fuck off. Yup.... GO fuck yourself.

I can barely remember to grab my keys and my purse when we go places, let alone prep myself for 80 selfies.
Not that I owe anyone any explanation for my non-photo posting ass, but, just for shits and giggles,  let me enlighten you to a few reasons why I don't post every single moment of our lives on the world wide web.

#1. I don't want to. .

#2. I don't give a shit what people "THINK" about how my family spends quality time together. Maybe we're tripping old ladies and taking candy from unsuspecting babies, it's none of anyone's fucking business.

#3. Here's why IDGAF---  I work.... a lot.... and when I am not working in the office, I am working at home, being a terrible mother. My time with my family is just that--MY time with MY family. That's the way I like it. I don't want to be worried about my lipgloss, or if my hair falling right, etc... (which we ALL know is what happens when taking 84 selfies before approving one that is instaface worthy).
I just want to be with them- doing whatever we're doing.  I'm not saying it has to be everyone's cup of wine but, I don't give a shit. When I feel like stopping and taking a photo to share with the world, you'll know-- don't assume that but just because I haven't put myself out there on blast with 112 pictures of our trip to the grocery store, that we didn't go to the grocery store. I have done my time in John's incredible pizza, bitch! And it WASN'T pretty....

(This little "list of reasons" was going to be a whole lot fucking longer but my wine was going to get warm).

SO- with that being said, I don't care if you do want to instaface your life, that works for you- and if we are friends, I enjoy checkin' that shit out (and if we hate each other, then I REALLY enjoy checkin' out the shitty stuff.) because I don't get out much- we probably wouldn't see each other until we were 60 if there were no I appreciate that you share! I, unfortunately suck at that, so suck it.

for the most part, I try not to judge-- BUT---- There is ONE exception to the "do Whatcha want" rule. THIS my friends, is a PET PEEVE for good ol' Badmomdotcom....

 The parents that don't do a goddamn thing- EXCEPT post  pictures.

THe one's that don't contribute to any of the ACTUAL parenting in any way, but BOIEEEEEE, when they see that fucker for 5 seconds....ITS BLASTED ALLLLLLLLLLL OVER INSTAFACE!!!

 Do they ACTUALLY talk to each other during that time, or was the whole encounter a photo shoot? You know what really gets my goat, are the dumbasses they praise them for it!!!!!! WTF??? I didn't see that bitch post "HEY!! Worked 60 hours this week to make a deposit into the college fund!" or "HEY!! We were up until 3 AM working on the midterm project that that was 90% of their grade for the 3rd time this year" OR how about "had to run out for tampons at midnight because she woke up and thought she was dying"????  Here's a good one--- had a fucking heart attack when the school called....Let's just say, I had to leave work  and he has a couple of days off..." The actual parenting part.
The countless hours every day spent washing their clothes, prepping their meals, waking them up in the  (7 fucking times), tucking them in (yesssss...even the big kids), dropping them at school, checking their homework, smelling their breath to make sure they brushed their teeth, standing in their bathroom and watching them because they didn't, Dr. appt.'s,dentist appt's, holy shit the list goes on and on.
THEN---- These MOTHER FUCKERS BLAST all over about what fabulous parents they are!!

WTF? Did that just happen??? friends, does---every day...and UNFORTUNATELY, there ain't SHIT you can do about it. Trust me, the struggle is real.... you just have to sit back and wait patienly for about 25 years for them to figure it out...It blows. Doesn't mean you can't get pissy about it from time to time, but don't waste a botox injection for it.  But GODDAMN its annoying, isn't it?... That's all!  OH, and hey---- did you hear???

The pumpkin spiced latte is back. ... WINNING!!!!!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

LIKE WHOA? How did I get here? I miss my blooooooog!

I  have been WRACKING my brain trying to decide on a topic....! there have been SO MANY!!! 
 I miss my blog!! I feel like I was happier... more relaxed...oh, and-ummm...drinking a SHIT load more wine!  
So much has HAPPENED since we drank last!! I am a failure...I've let you down!!! 

The good news? ........SOOOOOOOOOOO much more MATERIAL.... it's ridiculous! 

I don't even know where to start!!!! So I will go easy on ya at first. This one's're gonna wanna grab your drink.........I'll wait.... 

JK---NO I won't.... Catch up mother fucker! 

The other day, I'm working... at my JOB..  and it was important.
We were in the crucial part of the discussion when...
I get a call from the female spawn's school... and it's not the usual "your kid owes money for their lunch balance and we've been telling you for like....12 days already" phone #. So of course, I answer.

Well, I realized almost immediately that I should have played the meeting card and left it for her dad to answer. JUST wait until I tell you about the REST of this fucking POINTLESS conversation. 

It begins with the principal (of course)--
"Hello Mrs. Badmomdotcom! This is **insert principals name**".

My first thought? (Probably inappropriate...I know...) was, "you think this is my first rodeo? Get to the fuckin' point I have shit to do". 
(No, case you're wondering, I didn't say that out loud)...The story would probably end with them in foster care and me paying child support if I had. 

Anyways---- She continues ...

"Female Spawn" was in here today as a witness...I don't want you to worry.."

ummmmmm.  don't want me to WORRY? 

STOP THE FUCKING PRESS??? What the FUCK did she witness? What did she see?? Am I going to show up on an episode of snapped??? Do I need to take a deep breath and take a shot?... This is MY DAUGHTER!!!! I will shank someone!!!??? So, like any terrible mother, I calmly answer...

"OH, NO problem!.. Is everything okay?"

she responds..."Oh yes! Definitely! Goodness! No need to worry! ... " (Like I'm the crazy bitch right now for being worried????)
"I brought the girls in today because they are having trouble getting along".
My thought at this point was, "GREAT. One of these crazy little teeny boppers bitch slapped another one..Which one?..I wonder...I think I know...., but just tell me...Hold on, let me put you on speaker, my friends are listening and we're taking bets" 

I know, it's wrong but I couldn't help it.
She continues... "I had to explain to the girls the meaning of friendship, and what it means to be friends...and how to decide if your friends or not or if it's best to go your separate ways. To figure out if they have a lasting friendship or if they should just not play with each other....Blah BLah Blah Blah Blah...."  ummmmmmmmmmm............. this conversation went on for at LEAST 10 minutes.


I kept waiting and waiting...... and FUCK-ING WAITING........... for the punch line. I just wanted to scream through the phone "WHO BITCH SLAPPED WHO, get to the good part????????"

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.... Nobody slapped anybody.  

This was one of those "we are all organic, tree hugging individuals who care about feelings and one of these little girls doesn't know how to handle their shit". ... 

SUPER sorry if that was harsh.  

Anyway, Long story short...Here's the scoop, they called me at my JOB to tell me that the girls had a spat on the playground..


That's your problem!! That's what YOU signed up forl!
TRUST me, I get it, this SUCKS! Hence, the reason I didn't choose it! Don't get me wrong! with this whole "helicopter mom" movement, you couldn't PAY me enough to teach other people's kids!  I have my fair share of babysitting days when I want to move to a compound in Texas and change my name but, YUCK!
 Keep in mind that if I thought for 2 SECONDS that this was bullying, I would snatch my little crumbsnatcher up QUICK! I would have no problem Letting her know it's not okay. if it was skinny girls picking on chunky girl or pretty girls picking on ugly girls, etc..., I would FLASH. I am NOT cool with picking on people. This was kids being kids and I can say that confidently based on the rest of the boring conversation that I didn't burden you with. This was building character. Learning that certain personalities don't mix.  
I am confessing now--- I think it's ridiculous that they deemed it necessary to contact me for this shit, at my job in the middle of the day to tell me that there were a group of girls on the playground that had a SPAT. I CHOSE to send my kids to public school and I need to understand what comes with that. I am not going to discipline my daughter for deciding whether she wants to befriend someone,and although my daughter was only brought in as a witness, It's not up to me to tell someone else what to do with their kids either. I don't see this as an opportunity to discipline my kids, or to teach her discipline. I see this as a way to teach my daughter that she is free to be whoever the FUCK she wants to be. If she personally didn't feel that someone is her cup of tea, then she doesn't HAVE to let that chick color on her paper. PERIOD. It's her paper. Welcome to the real fucking world??? people wont like you... who gives a shit. I deal with it every day. (I know, weird, right? but it happens...)

I know your  first question will be, "what if my daughter was in the other position"- I have 2 answers.

#1. My job is to teach her that she is is beautiful enough and amazing that she is enough. she does NOT have to surround herself with people who think she needs to change.  She is awesome enough to shine on her own without all them other broads trying to steal her thunder. PS---you don't need highlights or a boob job til you're at LEAST 25....

#2. My daughter is awesome. Of all the things I have EVER instilled in her, the #1 thing is that she is smart and funny and beautiful and doesn't need anything or anyone to tell her that. If for any reason, someone decides to tell her otherwise......

FUCK 'EM....

She'll be signing their paycheck one day. 

and taking over my blog.......!!!!!!!! Back with a vengeance!