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Saturday, January 21, 2012

ooooooooooooooooooh-- You WORK?

DAMN I LOVE this one. The age old "working Mom vs. Stay-At-Home-Mom".  AS much as a dislike Oprah Winfrey and refuse to support any of her racist rubbish, one day I got STUCK. There was a battle of the momma's going on. I was intrigued, I couldn't look away!
 I have stayed home with my children(and wanted to shoot myself) and currently, work a more than full time job. I see both arguments. Why can't these crazy bitches do the same thing? I see them about to claw each others' eyes out and I am thinking, where the @#%$@ are your kids right NOW? Are they watching this? Can they see your judge judy, "I am better than everyone else on this stage" attitude RADIATING off of you? because I sure the hell can!!!  It's like Oprah ran out and found the WORST debaters on the planet to have this argument on her show????? Let me just tell you how I see it- take it for what you will.
Stay at Homer's: This job sucks because it never stops and it is thankless. Everyone wonders "what you do all day" and why you can't find 5 minutes to put make up on your face. You lock yourself in the bathroom from time to time to cry it out because this sh*t never stops, there is no "Friday". You are expected to constantly have playdates and the working mom down the street always thinks it should be at your house because she doesn't know what you do all day. Everyone you know thinks you have plenty of time to run their errands for them because they know that you don't have anything else to do all day--they're doing you a favor helping fill up your schedule. Your husband wants to know why dinner isn't ready as soon as he bangs his fork on the table because he cant' imagine WTF you had to do all day and why you couldn't manage to put a lick of makeup on your face. Here's the thing people, Stay at homer's have their perks but for the most part, they're entire day is at the mercy of everyone else, They have to drop off, pick up, volunteer, clean, cook, sports, lunches, homework and constantly try to prove the everyone that they actually do stay busy all day. They are at the beckoned call of the crumb snatchers because crumb snatchers are quick to rat you out  (ie: MOM!! You were supposed to wash my PINK socks for my dance RE-CI-TAL!!!! or "MOM!!!! Why didn't you sign my field trip form???") The reason that they have to do this shit? 'Cause nobody can imagine WTF they do all day...They wipe everyone's ass for them and everytime they even attempt to put make up on, it's time to take care of someone else. queue in the thankless part.

Working Momma's: This job sucks because all the judge judy PTA princesses think you're a piece of shit and you can never do anything to change that. Them, along with your mother in law, will NEVER understand why you are so selfish that you can't give up your Jimmy Choo's and MAC foundation to devote time and love to your family. Do you KNOW how many calories and chemicals are in that Chinese take out that you pick up 3 times a week and feed to your family? That cannot be healthy! You can never move up in the corporate world because even though you have worked your ass off for the past 5 years, management will always remember the time you had to leave because your kid jammed his thumb in first period. Everything that the stay at homers do all day has to be done in a 4 hour span after you get off work and your weekends are spent handling the playdates and housecleaning. Your husband is still looking for dinner and the homework still has to be checked . I wake up at 5:30 and hit the ground running. I get ready for work, make breakfast for the kids and take them to school. I get off at 6 come home, cook dinner, make sure showers are taken and homework is done, get everyone in bed and do my stuff too. I get to bed around 11ish. I appreciate the stay at home mom because I know that I can't do it. it's not for me. I don't like faking my way through a PTA meeting, I HATE volunteering as team mom and I can't watch my mouth. I've tried- curse words spew out of me like green shit from Linda Blair in the excorcist.  I am a worker and have always been a worker. I think I forged my moms' signature on my first work permit--- 'cause I was 13.  I feel worthless when I don't work which makes me worthless to everyone around me. If a stay at homer doesn't approve of me working 10 hours a day, I'm okay with that. They didn't blow these crumb snatchers out of their vagina so it's not  their problem. The flip side of that coin is that I give the stay at homers a LOT of credit. It's a tough job!  So if we could all just unite and appreciate that people are different, moms are different and we can only do what WE think is best for our family this world would be a much happier place. Embrace it! Stay at homers- our kids come to your house for cookies and hugs because the poor things, their parents are never home. Your kids come to our house before we get home from work to learn life's lessons like making pot brownies and looking at dirty magazines, because kids need space to make mistakes or learn how to make the right decisions. Both styles have their ups and downs... Ups: dirty magazines    Downs: pot brownies...teeheehee... .  My poor kids need a hug. Any stay at homers available? SHEESH, what else do you have to do all day? now I'm just pokin' atcha :0)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I have been inspired.

This weekend was a little offbeat for me. There was no hangover but there was drinking. There were no children but no events to attend and no work to do. It was me and my selfish schedule of events that only guessed it.......ME. It was beyond fabulous and I don't feel guilty.
It started with Friday off of work. I took the entire day AWAY from anything work related. Anyone who knows me, knows this is unheard of. NOW- Mind you, I haven't made it to ONE SINGLE field trip or book fair this year cause "I have to work". But give me some 6 inch roots and 8 lb. weight gain from the holidays, and all the sudden it's an EMER-GEN-CY worthy of the day off. Don't judge me.
I called my momma with the ol' "slumber party at nanny's" (that's Grandma) set up. I asked her if the kids could come over, she said;
 "Suuuuuure! Where are you kids going?" (another reason I love my momma,  she refers to me and my hubby as "Kids" still---could be based on our behavior but I'll take it...)
Me: "Not a DAAAAAMN place----Not together anyway. I am spending my weekend pretending to be rich and famous.  Although they all have live in Nanny's - we can work out the kinks later- PS: Here are their medical cards- don't call me- You know what to do" She knew--- she didn't argue, him haw, no fear of commitment to the weekend with the kids (she's a commitment phobe)- Nada. She knew that if I hadn't come up with some sort of purpose for the slumber party such as a birthday or a wedding then I MUST be a MESS. and I was.

DAY ONE: Dr. appointment, hair appointment, and nail appointment, "fast food for dinner" appointment and wine. I cancelled the Dr. appointment.... That seemed a little too responsible for the schedule that day-I just couldn't fit it in, I was way to busy and didn't want to exhaust myself

DAY TWO: Pedi, lunch, dinner and...YUP.... more wine.

DAY THREE: Shopping, facial, dinner, wine, sleep.

HOLY SHIT. That was aweeeeeeesome.
I swear ladies, we NEEEEEED to do this all the time!! OMG! Those housewives of whatever counties have it together more than we all know! No wonder those broads look amazing. (with the exception of the one's that look like they're skydiving 24/7), Hire a nanny or housekeeper whatever, just do it! take a weekend. I feel pretty and skinny and relaxed! I walked around allll weekend on my own damn schedule, swinging my purse arm everywhere I went in workout clothes and tennis shoes that look like they've never been worn. Walking across parking lots without looking for cars being totally inconsiderate and I bossed people around at a couple of front desks because I felt so fabulously bitchy. It was amazing. From now on, Thou shalt not judge the real housewives, they DO feel entitled and its an awesome feeling. It comes with the territory. Those ladies are smarter than we all think. Ask my family, there is nothing better than a momma who gets transformed into a skinny, pretty, balanced, relaxed housewife over a weekend. and I know I look waaaaaaaaaaaaaay younger. My new movement- mom's least twice a year. Do whatcha want when you want for an entire weekend. Spend one small blip in time, NOT being a mom and a wife, and all the other shit that we are 24/7, day in and day out. You'll be glad you did and you deserve it!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

WTF is wrong with people???????

SO the other day, I am walking through one of those organic tree hugger stores that is like Whole Foods but cheaper and smaller. There's this chick, 2 kids in tow about 3 & 4, a husband who looks like he wants to drive his shopping cart right into traffic, and one little one ----ON the boob.
I have 2 problems here. 1 is that she breastfeeding the kid and then picking up fruits and vegetables like I want her boobie juice anywhere near my oranges. Im GROCERY SHOPPING DAMMIT. I Do NOT want to see that!!!!! The blanket is falling off, the kids are running around screaming (both of them have the little shopping carts), the husband is about to pull out a gun and shoot himself and there she is, content as can be.
Now, I was not a breastfeeder- Never comfortable with it no matter how much propoganda Kaiser wanted to shove down my throat about how breastfed babies are healthier and smarter and blah blah bullshit. I am STILL not comfortable with it, but I can respect that I am the exception not the rule on this one. I am creeped out by the thought that my husband enjoys them for one reason, and the kid enjoys them for a completely different reason- I choose to feed my whole family from the same place- The KITCHEN.  I don't run around the store with my boobs hanging out and I don't expect you to either I don't care WHAT they are being used for.
 Now onto my 2nd issue--- WHY are you here? Why did you feel the need to drag your entire family out to the itty bitty store and subject all of us to your madness?? You're mother must not have breast fed you because you are certainly not smarter than the average bear. Here's an idea... How about you stay home and extra 5 minutes, throw the kid on the tit while your there, THEN when he's done eating  you can go to the store and dad can stay home with your other two crumb snatchers and continue watching the football game and the rest of the world doesn't have to be subjected to your loud obnoxious kids, your bare boob and your miserable husband. This store ain't big enough for all of us.