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Friday, November 25, 2011

Black Friday.....When the crazies come out!

Please understand that I am posting this blog fully educated. I am well versed in Black Friday as a whole. The ads, the parking, and most importantly, the unspoken RULES. I made my black friday news debut on black Friday in 1996. I was uhhhhhhhhhhh...12 or something like that. ALRIGHT......... FINE-- I wasn't 12. But anyway---- back to my blog. This is my shit- I get to be whoever I want.
My mom and I have shopped on black friday since before cell phones. That's right kids, straight, 2 way walkie talkie communica-SHUN! We bullied our way through  the crowds, we mobbed through with a hot cuppa Coffee and concealer under our eyes, and we got GOOD Deals.
When I had kids, I left the my crumb snatchers at home--- or at Grandma's, or the dog watched 'em, WHATEVER, I can tell you that they never rolled out with us, that's for DAMN Sure....
This year, after careful review of the ads on Thursday night, ALL 1926 of  them, allllll the way down to the tractor warehouse, my mom and I decided that there was not one goddamned thing worth coming out of our turkey coma for. NOTHING, NADA--ZILCH. This pissed me off so I poured another glass of wine. FINE, so I had one of the kids pour it for me,------ Don't judge me. So on Friday, since I had gotten about 14 hours or so of peaceful childless sleep (they went to grandma's to bake cookies) I decided that if I sat on my ass for one more second, it was going to start singing Beyonce's bootylicious,  "I don't think you're ready for this  Jel-leh ....Falalalala- Lala-la- la". So we headed into the madness with our patience cap on. And by "we" I mean that I covinced my poor unsuspecting husband that this could be fun. First thing I noticed-- Strollers and kids.
 Fuck you.
 I hate you.
you know why I hate you? because you just looked at ME stupid when your little crumb snatcher ran in front of me and I almost walked over the little shit. YEP---didn't feel bad either--- do you watch the news, shit bag? Most people don't leave the house without being strapped. One bitch peppered sprayed some fools for a better spot in line!! you have the NERVE to look at me stupid cause I almost stepped on one of them that crept out of the puffer jacket display at Macy's??? I didn't even see the fucker coming!  Did you ride the short bus to get here? Here's the thing people, If you're the broad that headed out to Kohls at 1AM with all four crumb snatchers in tow, only to have one to help carry the goods and another to hold your spot in line, KUDOS to you for having controlof them allll the way til the wee hours of the night, I had to send mine away because I couldn't handle it. If you're the bitch who rolled out in 3 inch wedges, full make up, stroller in one hand and baby on the tit in the other, well then SUCK IT UP Prozac barbie and get used to it, this is black Friday, when the crazies come out! We make a Raiders game look like a tea party at the Jelly Belly factory! Either accept it or wait 'til cyber Monday!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

The Christmas movement has been solidifed by the female spawn...

Well we now know that the female spawn is definitely going to be marrying up. This girl likes STUFF. She doesn't care what, just stuff. I am putting it out there NOW that we will probably see her on the real housewives of Placer County one day.
Last week, while we were getting ready for the day,  the female spawn shoving food down her throat and the male spawn was making eggs---of course burning them over and over and over again because he is so easily distracted by anything and can't focus on the damned egg for 2 seconds, we started talking about Christmas. I notifed both spawn that Santa said he will only be bringing 5 presents this year. The male spawn was fine with it.He went on to list his 5 gifts, (each one more expensive than the one before) But I'm okay with this, I can buy knock offs. At least he's going for quality not quantity.

Then I turn to see the reaction of  the female spawn.........

uhhhhhhhhhhh...she looked like I just took away her birthday.  Keep in mind that  this child has the Target big toy book in her backpack with everything on every page circled. and she looks at it every day.
 Here's the thing. She didn't throw a fit which is the disturbing part. She just stared me in the face with her eyebrows wrinkled and her mouth open, displaying the chewed up egg and toast mush in her mouth. Eyes welling up. I was ready for a fit, I had comebacks ready like "you won't get anything if you act like that" or "I'm telling Santa that you deserve coal in your stocking" etc.. But She looked like a damned mess. I went on to explain calmly that Santa has to have enough presents to give to all the other little kids and that she already has so much, she should be grateful blah blah blah.
FUCK no. Still a mess. She offered her used toys from her toybox to the "Other little kids" . She offered clothes that don't fit her. She tried everything in order to get herself more than 5 presents. She doesn't even give a shit what the 5 presents are!!!! I even explained that she gets so many present from everyone else. Didn't give a shit. We went the rest of the morning where she looked as if she were deep in thought, so perplexed like she was dealing with some sort of internal emotional turmoil like a teenager whose boyfriend just broke her heart. WTF. That's it--- She's going with me to deliver blankets at loaves and fishes this year! I usually wait until they're a little older but she's apparently progressing into a lifetime of greed a little early.  After that, we are going to sit down and watch every said Christmas movie ever made about a less fortunate child than her, with her eyes taped open. By the time I am done with her she is going to need couseling for more than just having a bad mom.