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Friday, November 25, 2011

Black Friday.....When the crazies come out!

Please understand that I am posting this blog fully educated. I am well versed in Black Friday as a whole. The ads, the parking, and most importantly, the unspoken RULES. I made my black friday news debut on black Friday in 1996. I was uhhhhhhhhhhh...12 or something like that. ALRIGHT......... FINE-- I wasn't 12. But anyway---- back to my blog. This is my shit- I get to be whoever I want.
My mom and I have shopped on black friday since before cell phones. That's right kids, straight, 2 way walkie talkie communica-SHUN! We bullied our way through  the crowds, we mobbed through with a hot cuppa Coffee and concealer under our eyes, and we got GOOD Deals.
When I had kids, I left the my crumb snatchers at home--- or at Grandma's, or the dog watched 'em, WHATEVER, I can tell you that they never rolled out with us, that's for DAMN Sure....
This year, after careful review of the ads on Thursday night, ALL 1926 of  them, allllll the way down to the tractor warehouse, my mom and I decided that there was not one goddamned thing worth coming out of our turkey coma for. NOTHING, NADA--ZILCH. This pissed me off so I poured another glass of wine. FINE, so I had one of the kids pour it for me,------ Don't judge me. So on Friday, since I had gotten about 14 hours or so of peaceful childless sleep (they went to grandma's to bake cookies) I decided that if I sat on my ass for one more second, it was going to start singing Beyonce's bootylicious,  "I don't think you're ready for this  Jel-leh ....Falalalala- Lala-la- la". So we headed into the madness with our patience cap on. And by "we" I mean that I covinced my poor unsuspecting husband that this could be fun. First thing I noticed-- Strollers and kids.
 Fuck you.
 I hate you.
you know why I hate you? because you just looked at ME stupid when your little crumb snatcher ran in front of me and I almost walked over the little shit. YEP---didn't feel bad either--- do you watch the news, shit bag? Most people don't leave the house without being strapped. One bitch peppered sprayed some fools for a better spot in line!! you have the NERVE to look at me stupid cause I almost stepped on one of them that crept out of the puffer jacket display at Macy's??? I didn't even see the fucker coming!  Did you ride the short bus to get here? Here's the thing people, If you're the broad that headed out to Kohls at 1AM with all four crumb snatchers in tow, only to have one to help carry the goods and another to hold your spot in line, KUDOS to you for having controlof them allll the way til the wee hours of the night, I had to send mine away because I couldn't handle it. If you're the bitch who rolled out in 3 inch wedges, full make up, stroller in one hand and baby on the tit in the other, well then SUCK IT UP Prozac barbie and get used to it, this is black Friday, when the crazies come out! We make a Raiders game look like a tea party at the Jelly Belly factory! Either accept it or wait 'til cyber Monday!

1 comment:

  1. LMMFAO!!!! Well, this ought to be fun...considering we are BOTH BAD MOMS (Yes, I'm worse, but don't be jealous they pass out Medical Licensees for that now by the ASS LOAD!!! So, I would like to partake in the I WILL FLASH ON YOU FRIDAY experience that I had.

    So, I come fully prepared in my jammies (OR WHATEVER THAT WAS ON THE VERY TOP OF THE HAMPER BCS I SLEEP NUDE)uuuh ya NUUUUDEEEEEY IS BEAUTY!!! (at least that's what I tell my kids...What I tell myself however is coming from a slightly different perspective...something to the effect of... "don't even think about it FAT ASS posted on the refrigerator and proceed to gnaw on my own arm" STILL FAT BTW~

    Oh ya anyways...and I am 4 days backed up on laundry so that explains the dirty clothes hamper SITUATION!!!(SAY SUMTHIN BOUT YOUR DAMN WIFE BEATERS (insert Husband's name here) Ive been too busy potty training a almost 3 year old...and I don't have a dick so I put those little targets in the toilet and pretend to have a penis and pretend with my son that were shooting a gun at them...u know with my pretend penis?! Ya know what I mean...sure ya do we've all been there...

    Anyhoo, don't get me started...oh yes, bck to my story, sorry sometimes I forget things...short term memory know, from those Licenses they pass out now. AAAH yes, so out I go in my DIRTY jammies or whatever those were and my slippers..and GET THIS they matched!!! Oh, and I'm NOT sure what uuuurbuddy else was thinkin' but I'm thinking they are a perfect addition to the whole (SHOULDn"T this bitch be in the FRONT of the store RINGING the bell" Look Iv'e got...shiiiit, u kiddin I make TYRA JEALOUS TODAY!!!!

    So, here I am ass craptasticly early in this store IN NORTH HIGHLANDS...that's right I live I havn't had coffe or any eeehheem Medication yet so I may be JUST A TAD CRANKY (bcs I'm a bad Mom ya know) ok, LAST TIME I'll say this THEY HAND OUT CARDS FOR THAT NOW...It's called PUFF< PUFF<PATIENCE...

    Anyhooo this broad says to me as she steps on my foot " That's y u shouldn't wear slippers on Black Friday" UUUH yaaa I get it!!! Anyhoo, I said, "well what the fuck does that have to do with you wearing pantyhose on your head?"...

    then I swiftly dissapear into a few isles down ya know I do't wanna get SHANKED or sumthin'....a bit later I see her cart...but shes not by it!!!

    So, I grab the lights all of them that (M.C.PANTYHOSE HEAD) had in her cart and hid them under the tarp a few isles down! (bcs I too am a bad Mom)

    Nevertheless, I was very thoughtful before I left...I checked the place that the store kept the lights!!! There weren't any left!!!! YEAAAAH now I can leave this CRAPTASTIC CLUSTER FU** of a store just FULL OF CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!!!! CRAPPY HOLIDAYS