Please understand that I am posting this blog fully educated. I am well versed in Black Friday as a whole. The ads, the parking, and most importantly, the unspoken RULES. I made my black friday news debut on black Friday in 1996. I was uhhhhhhhhhhh...12 or something like that. ALRIGHT......... FINE-- I wasn't 12. But anyway---- back to my blog. This is my shit- I get to be whoever I want.
My mom and I have shopped on black friday since before cell phones. That's right kids, straight, 2 way walkie talkie communica-SHUN! We bullied our way through the crowds, we mobbed through with a hot cuppa Coffee and concealer under our eyes, and we got GOOD Deals.
When I had kids, I left the my crumb snatchers at home--- or at Grandma's, or the dog watched 'em, WHATEVER, I can tell you that they never rolled out with us, that's for DAMN Sure....
This year, after careful review of the ads on Thursday night, ALL 1926 of them, allllll the way down to the tractor warehouse, my mom and I decided that there was not one goddamned thing worth coming out of our turkey coma for. NOTHING, NADA--ZILCH. This pissed me off so I poured another glass of wine. FINE, so I had one of the kids pour it for me,------ Don't judge me. So on Friday, since I had gotten about 14 hours or so of peaceful childless sleep (they went to grandma's to bake cookies) I decided that if I sat on my ass for one more second, it was going to start singing Beyonce's bootylicious, "I don't think you're ready for this Jel-leh ....Falalalala- Lala-la- la". So we headed into the madness with our patience cap on. And by "we" I mean that I covinced my poor unsuspecting husband that this could be fun. First thing I noticed-- Strollers and kids.
I hate you.
you know why I hate you? because you just looked at ME stupid when your little crumb snatcher ran in front of me and I almost walked over the little shit. YEP---didn't feel bad either--- do you watch the news, shit bag? Most people don't leave the house without being strapped. One bitch peppered sprayed some fools for a better spot in line!! you have the NERVE to look at me stupid cause I almost stepped on one of them that crept out of the puffer jacket display at Macy's??? I didn't even see the fucker coming! Did you ride the short bus to get here? Here's the thing people, If you're the broad that headed out to Kohls at 1AM with all four crumb snatchers in tow, only to have one to help carry the goods and another to hold your spot in line, KUDOS to you for having controlof them allll the way til the wee hours of the night, I had to send mine away because I couldn't handle it. If you're the bitch who rolled out in 3 inch wedges, full make up, stroller in one hand and baby on the tit in the other, well then SUCK IT UP Prozac barbie and get used to it, this is black Friday, when the crazies come out! We make a Raiders game look like a tea party at the Jelly Belly factory! Either accept it or wait 'til cyber Monday!