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Saturday, December 3, 2011

Oh Christmas Tree, OH Christmas Tree! .....

Let's talk tree here people---- Not the "proposition 19, you can get a license for it now" tree, but the Christmas tree. Ever since I was a little girl, when my mommy used to drive me around in the nice neighborhoods and tell me not to settle for anything less, I dreamed about a house with the perfect window to display the perfect tree. I'm talking 15 feet of tree, adorned with thousands of white twinkly lights and 500 ornaments each hand picked and perfectly placed. I wanted THAT tree. One day, when some crazy lady from the hood (Love you mom) is driving HER daughter around looking at houses, I want it to be MY Damn tree that makes that little girl grow up to be a superficial psycho with a Martha Stewart complex.
Here's the hard part. Every Norman Rockwell painting and Christmas movie ever made, shows the whole family decorating the FARKING tree. So what message does this send? SURE kids, you can help! There's nothing that makes me more happy than decorating the tree as a family. Seeing all of the ornaments in one BIG ASS cluster fuck on the bottom of my $100, hand picked (after hours of driving from tree lot to tree lot) Noble Fir Christmas tree. What's better than drinking hot cocoa while you guys grab a handful of ornaments and throw them up against the tree to see where they land, and then leave the room to go watch The Santa Clause while I pick up the boxes and sweep up the needles, put on the tree skirt, pick up your cocoa cups, put all that shit away and stare at our fucked up family tree. I'll tell you what's better- not letting you touch it. That's what. That shit doesn't happen in this house. . BOOM. YUP, I said it. I will spend hours decorating my tree and by the time I am done, it's going to look like Macy's Christmas section threw up on my tree. The female spawn was over at Franny's house and said "we get to go get our Christmas tree and then decorate it" Franny, knowing me all to well, says "Your mom lets you decorate with her?" to which the female spawn replies"Well, we get to hand my mommy the ornaments......"

MAN, she's catching on fast.

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