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Saturday, December 31, 2011

THANK GOD that's over!!!

SO....MUCH....SHIT, to talk about- I don't even know where to start!

Let me begin with the fact this was a particularly busy holiday season. Every single weekend since Turkey day has been a dead run. So with that in mind, I am going to start the year with take on Party Attire. Do with it what you will.....

I'm a little busty (completely self inflicted) so I am constantly trying to be concious of what my outfit might say about me. Making sure the girls are put away is my #1 priority. I fall apart at the mere idea of having a nipple slip.
 My next priority is this: Do I look like a beached whale in this outfit?
The style right now happens NOT to be flattering on me. I don't want to look like I can't let go of my 20's by wearing all of the old stuff in my closet, but I also don't want to look like a hot air balloon. Sometimes, I lose the battle but, please know that if I do look like Coleman camp tent it's because I don't give a shit that day. Sometimes, if I made it out of the house with eyebrows on, then I deserve a pat on the back.
Third plan of action: Do I look like I am wearing everything on my body 1 to 3 sizes to small. This happens to be the most common offense and I just don't understand. ESPECIALLY with skinny bitches. Anyone who knows me, know that I can't stand the "Skinny girl in skinnier girls' clothes" with the tag hanging out the back to let everone know it's a 2. We know it's a 2---and you're a 4.  If You're HOT- ROCK IT, and if you're a butter-face (where everything looks good but-her face) then you REALLY need to play up the assets. Yep--- I just said it. SURE did.
  I don't think a day went by this month where I didn't see the entire fucking outline of someone's thong underwear through their dress. Where I didn't see 4 inches of roll on either side of  some leggings. LEGGINGS??? There's 3 DAMN SIZES! KNOW when you need the next one.
Here's why I am so baffled by this. I have a HUGE ass. I can't put on a pair of jeans that don't look like a wet suit around my thighs and ass but a hula hoop around my waist. It's fucked up. (that's another blog) but come party dress time, this is a special occasion. Buy some spanx for fucks sake. I'm not saying lets rock spanx every single day cause I wouldn't leave the house ever, cause that's waaaay too much work...but c'mon. If you're gonna be dancing and eating, and drinking then buy the shit that goes underneath to put it away. I don't want to see your underwear, no matter how little they are,  I don't want to see all of your business when you've had 4 martini's and decide to stop sucking in, I don't want to see your multi colored slutty bra hanging out when you decide to drop it like its hot, because it reminds me how atrocious my granny ass nude colored bra is, I don't even buy the padding in the cups anymore, I've had the padding moved to the shoulder straps bitches. Just take the extra time and effort to smooth out what underneath. It's just a matter of having a little class. I don't care how cute that dress was on the hanger, shit looks like a glo-worm on you if you don't wear it right. If you don't know what I glo-worm is, then go google that shit.  It AIN'T CUTE. My public service message has been sent. You can all thank me later.

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