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Tuesday, February 17, 2015

What is that SMELL??? OH---it's your yard....

So if I'm being honest, I have spent most of my kids' lives avoiding play dates and mommy and me shit....for a very good reason. 
It's not that I don't like kids, it's just that I run my ship my way, period. There's no sugar coating it because I have visitors. My style isn't for everyone.  I'm sure there's a few parents out there that would love to give me a pointer or 2---  Chances are, the way I choose to parent my kids would give them a fucking stroke. Since I know that I need to keep my pie hole closed,  I have avoided the situations altogether. 

SO--- all these years I've spent avoiding this shit, somehow, I am still presented with it. Here's the scoop. 
I have a teenager. 

If you have have ever raised one of these pleasant little morsels of hormonal mood swings, you understand that this shit isn't easy! If you haven't had the  pleasure as of yet, try nailing Jello to a tree and let me know how it goes.

....I'll wait.... 

I've spent 16 years raising this amazingly quick witted comedic genius. This guy has pissed on me, shit on me, thrown up on me, I've completed 12 school enrollment packets including every line of that fucking emergency card OVER AND OVER AND OVER...for the same FUCKING SCHOOL. (how about we just notify you of any changes, huh, buddy...that work for ya) ANYWAY, bought myself out of 14 sports fundraisers (minimum $100 a pop), pretended to like others peoples kids while playing team mom for 2 seasons, classroom art docent in the 5th grade, a few walks of shame to pick him up from the principles office... and I STILL love him with all my heart (yes....I have a heart, in case you were wondering). Not to mention, I could probably feed an entire country on what I've spent on birthday parties and Christmases alone! 
You get the picture. 
So, when someone tries to step in and bestow their lovely opinion on what I should or shouldn't be doing with him, I get a liiiiittttlllleee teeny bit territorial. 

Now--- we've all known "THAT" mom. The mom who tries too hard to stay young and be their kids' friend. The mom that says things like "I would rather have them (insert illegal activity here) in front of me instead of behind my back", blah blah fucking blah. 

that's cool Farrah Abraham, you run your ship however you want, that's your business, I don't really give a shit....personally, I want him to be so scared that I am going to come around that corner and catch him that he thinks twice before doing it. It's called RESPECT. 
I am NOT my kids' friend, I am their MOM first. I am here to protect them and show them how to be  functional human beings in society. I am here to teach them hard lessons in life so that when they grow the fuck up and have to go out in the big bad world and be a functional contributing member of society, they will be equipped to do so. I am here to LOVE them and sometimes that means they won't like me and I'm okay with that. There will be no welfare check in their mailbox if I can help it. 
I get it ----that's my thing, not yours.... and I'm totally cool with that.... You do you boo! this is where we should leave it, right?  

Had to offer up your prize winning parenting tips to MYYYY fucking kid on how you think IIIIIIII should be handling shit?? you have the kids hold your joint for you while you're writing that gripping parenting manual? Check it out- the outcome hasn't been so stellar so here's an idea, stay the fuck out of my business. You go serve up book club with your #1 best selling parenting handbook, and leave us the fuck alone. Sound good? 

Look- I'm not claiming to be mother Teresa...(stop laughing)... I'm just saying to each their own (and I understand there are exceptions) BUT- if you're going to stick your nose over the fence into someone's yard to pass out landscaping tips, you might want to make sure you've cleaned up your own shit...and you DEFINITELY might think of zipping your lip when your yard is fertilized with manure.  

Sincerely not concerned with your opinion,


  1. Admin, if not okay please remove!

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