Had a moment this weekend.

As you all may already know, I don't really give a crap what other people think -----most of the time. Unless I think that they are thinking that I am dressed like a 2 bit hooker, at which point I will promptly return back home and put on a sweater. Other than that, don't really care. So as I was on my hands and knees on Sunday....cleaning the floors (you dirty birds).... I started running things through my brain. Because that's what I do. It slowly turned into me trying to think of all the instances where I was being judged for my parenting (or whatever else). Because I was not only bitchy, but was slightly emotional due to a little visit from Aunt Flow, I started judging the Judge Judy's for judging me. Seriously people, this is what I do when left alone to my own demise. So, since I was guilty yesterday for doing what I loathe more than anything, I am repenting right now to my peeps to make sure I am being honest, with not only myself but you guys as well. Please see a couple of my personal sins, listed below.

1. As a group of us moms chat at a birthday party enjoying a glass (or 3) of wine, another mom shows up. Being the hospitable group that we are, we offer her a glass of wine. She says, "no thanks...."

NOW. She should have stopped here. That's what I would have done. Or I might have said I was sick or hungover or something. But nooooooo-- she precedes with "I don't like to drink in front of my kids,where should I put the gift?".
How about right up your ass.  Something has to go up there behind the stick.
Here's the thing. There have been MORE than several occasions in the past where I have seen this broad HAMMERED in front of her kids. I've practically seen her teach her kid how to mix up a margarita so she didn't have to stumble across the room! All of which I am not judging her for. I am judging her because suddenly she wakes up one day and decides she's Mother Theresa and she wants to let everyone know that her shit don't stink. Well then, sunshine! Call your AA sponsor and have them help take down all those photo collages on your walls of you taking shots with no hands or sipping  mai-tai's with your BFF out of penis straws with condoms taped all over your shirt. Jus' sayin'.

2. EHHEMMMM- One night I was at a bitch 'N' stitch with a pretty mixed crowd, including  kids (hardly seems worth the make up if you ask me, but whatever). I  yell at the spawn, "Quit running! This ain't a damn playground! If I have to say it again, I'm gonna bust your asses!"
*sigh* I should have just said some June Cleaver shit at that point, but by the time I realized the critical level of this situation, it was too late. From the other side of the circle I hear (in a passive aggressive giggle) "WHOOPSIE! Someone has to put a quarter in the jar!"
REALLY? You're going to stand over there and say something to me about the word ASS? How about I tell you about yourself. Let me judge YOU for a minute. Let me use ASS in a different sentence for ya. Day in and day out, you show your kids that it's okay for mommy to work all day every day, drop the them at daycare on the way TO that job while her husband, who hasn't had a job in 4 years sits on his ASS all day and plays video games. Occasionally  getting up to eat whatever food you have left. Meanwhile, you can't pay your bills, you're paying for SOME of your childcare while the government subsidizes the rest, cooking free meals that you're getting because your husband still "can't find a job" (apparently holding out for management) while he tells you  that you're a "fat lazy bitch". You must be so proud of all the quarters in your jar. Maybe if she watches you long enough, your daughter will get to marry someone juuuuuuust like her daddy.
3.  I am yelling at the kids to pick up their shit. Which happens waaaay more often  than I would like. They're shrugging, hemming and hawing and generally not happy.
Judge Judy # 3 says "I'm gonna have to kidnap those little sweeties and bring them to live with me! I just read that book "parenting with love and logic with my book club, it's really good!"...teeheehee... giggle giggle.

Do you still have that book? Could I borrower it so I can smack you in the face with it? Once again, the passive aggressiveness KILLS me. First of all, I know you talk about the way I raise my kids, I hear things allllllllll the time through mutual acquaintances. Here's the thing. Maybe you're the sweet, nice, doting, classroom parent, carpool driver, cookies at midnight type. Although I'm not that mom, I'm also not the  "haven't cleaned your house in 4 years and the last time you did was because you were looking for the computer mouse to water your garden on Facebook, couldn't put a home cooked meal on the table if you were the last living as*hole on the post apocalyptic planet earth (so everything comes out of a paper sack), can't remember the last time you washed your hair or put make up on your face but you're pretty sure that that Mary Kay lady who brought the Ambrosia salad with your order last time might be dead now" mom. All moms are different. We don't have to all be alike. I choose not to be like you, No actually, I would rather shit myself and sit in it all day than be like you. SO THERE. And I promise that if you ever DID try to kidnap my kids, I would fly over to your 800 square foot mansion and pummel you, then I would bring my babies home and immediately give them a bath.

So there you have it friends. I apologize  for my rant. It was judgmental and rude, almost uncalled for. I hereby relinquish all responsibility and chalk it up to a "bad day". I promise I will be better tomorrow. WHERE THE HELL IS MY CHOCOLATE?????