So it has recently been brought to my attention that I am a bad mom.
Well then.... THANK YOU---- Captain Obvious....
Really though--- the reason for the observation from some "Judge Judy's" was solely based on the fact that "I never post any pictures or anything WITH or ABOUT my kids.".
Well, SHIT!! If I don't post it on Instaface, then I MUST not be doing it!! Well then Sugar Shorts! come here...I have a little something to whisper in your face.....
Ready?...
Fuck off. Yup.... GO fuck yourself.
I can barely remember to grab my keys and my purse when we go places, let alone prep myself for 80 selfies.
Not that I owe anyone any explanation for my non-photo posting ass, but, just for shits and giggles, let me enlighten you to a few reasons why I don't post every single moment of our lives on the world wide web.
#1. I don't want to. .
#2. I don't give a shit what people "THINK" about how my family spends quality time together. Maybe we're tripping old ladies and taking candy from unsuspecting babies, it's none of anyone's fucking business.
#3. Here's why IDGAF--- I work.... a lot.... and when I am not working in the office, I am working at home, being a terrible mother. My time with my family is just that--MY time with MY family. That's the way I like it. I don't want to be worried about my lipgloss, or if my hair falling right, etc... (which we ALL know is what happens when taking 84 selfies before approving one that is instaface worthy).
I just want to be with them- doing whatever we're doing. I'm not saying it has to be everyone's cup of wine but, I don't give a shit. When I feel like stopping and taking a photo to share with the world, you'll know-- don't assume that but just because I haven't put myself out there on blast with 112 pictures of our trip to the grocery store, that we didn't go to the grocery store. I have done my time in John's incredible pizza, bitch! And it WASN'T pretty....
(This little "list of reasons" was going to be a whole lot fucking longer but my wine was going to get warm).
SO- with that being said, I don't care if you do want to instaface your life, that works for you- and if we are friends, I enjoy checkin' that shit out (and if we hate each other, then I REALLY enjoy checkin' out the shitty stuff.) because I don't get out much- we probably wouldn't see each other until we were 60 if there were no instaface....so I appreciate that you share! I, unfortunately suck at that, so suck it.
for the most part, I try not to judge-- BUT---- There is ONE exception to the "do Whatcha want" rule. THIS my friends, is a PET PEEVE for good ol' Badmomdotcom....
The parents that don't do a goddamn thing- EXCEPT post pictures.
THe one's that don't contribute to any of the ACTUAL parenting in any way, but BOIEEEEEE, when they see that fucker for 5 seconds....ITS BLASTED ALLLLLLLLLLL OVER INSTAFACE!!!
Do they ACTUALLY talk to each other during that time, or was the whole encounter a photo shoot? You know what really gets my goat, are the dumbasses they praise them for it!!!!!! WTF??? I didn't see that bitch post "HEY!! Worked 60 hours this week to make a deposit into the college fund!" or "HEY!! We were up until 3 AM working on the midterm project that that was 90% of their grade for the 3rd time this year" OR how about "had to run out for tampons at midnight because she woke up and thought she was dying"???? Here's a good one--- had a fucking heart attack when the school called....Let's just say, I had to leave work and he has a couple of days off..." The actual parenting part.
The countless hours every day spent washing their clothes, prepping their meals, waking them up in the (7 fucking times), tucking them in (yesssss...even the big kids), dropping them at school, checking their homework, smelling their breath to make sure they brushed their teeth, standing in their bathroom and watching them because they didn't, Dr. appt.'s,dentist appt's, holy shit the list goes on and on.
THEN---- These MOTHER FUCKERS BLAST all over about what fabulous parents they are!!
WTF? Did that just happen???
Well...my friends, sadly....it does---every day...and UNFORTUNATELY, there ain't SHIT you can do about it. Trust me, the struggle is real.... you just have to sit back and wait patienly for about 25 years for them to figure it out...It blows. Doesn't mean you can't get pissy about it from time to time, but don't waste a botox injection for it. But GODDAMN its annoying, isn't it?... That's all! OH, and hey---- did you hear???
The pumpkin spiced latte is back. ... WINNING!!!!!
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
LIKE WHOA? How did I get here? I miss my blooooooog!
I have been WRACKING my brain trying to decide on a topic....! there have been SO MANY!!!
I miss my blog!! I feel like I was happier... more relaxed...oh, and-ummm...drinking a SHIT load more wine!
So much has HAPPENED since we drank last!! I am a failure...I've let you down!!!
The good news? ........SOOOOOOOOOOO much more MATERIAL.... it's ridiculous!
I don't even know where to start!!!! So I will go easy on ya at first. This one's funny....you're gonna wanna grab your drink.........I'll wait....
JK---NO I won't.... Catch up mother fucker!
The other day, I'm working... at my JOB.. and it was important.
We were in the crucial part of the discussion when...
I get a call from the female spawn's school... and it's not the usual "your kid owes money for their lunch balance and we've been telling you for like....12 days already" phone #. So of course, I answer.
Well, I realized almost immediately that I should have played the meeting card and left it for her dad to answer. JUST wait until I tell you about the REST of this fucking POINTLESS conversation.
It begins with the principal (of course)--
"Hello Mrs. Badmomdotcom! This is **insert principals name**".
My first thought? (Probably inappropriate...I know...) was, "you think this is my first rodeo? Get to the fuckin' point I have shit to do".
(No,...in case you're wondering, I didn't say that out loud)...The story would probably end with them in foster care and me paying child support if I had.
Anyways---- She continues ...
"Female Spawn" was in here today as a witness...I don't want you to worry.."
ummmmmm. don't want me to WORRY?
STOP THE FUCKING PRESS??? What the FUCK did she witness? What did she see?? Am I going to show up on an episode of snapped??? Do I need to take a deep breath and take a shot?... This is MY DAUGHTER!!!! I will shank someone!!!??? So, like any terrible mother, I calmly answer...
"OH, NO problem!.. Is everything okay?"
she responds..."Oh yes! Definitely! Goodness! No need to worry! ... " (Like I'm the crazy bitch right now for being worried????)
"I brought the girls in today because they are having trouble getting along".
My thought at this point was, "GREAT. One of these crazy little teeny boppers bitch slapped another one..Which one?..I wonder...I think I know...., but just tell me...Hold on, let me put you on speaker, my friends are listening and we're taking bets"
I know, it's wrong but I couldn't help it.
She continues... "I had to explain to the girls the meaning of friendship, and what it means to be friends...and how to decide if your friends or not or if it's best to go your separate ways. To figure out if they have a lasting friendship or if they should just not play with each other....Blah BLah Blah Blah Blah...." ummmmmmmmmmm............. this conversation went on for at LEAST 10 minutes.
REALLY?.
I kept waiting and waiting...... and FUCK-ING WAITING........... for the punch line. I just wanted to scream through the phone "WHO BITCH SLAPPED WHO, get to the good part????????"
SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.... Nobody slapped anybody.
This was one of those "we are all organic, tree hugging individuals who care about feelings and one of these little girls doesn't know how to handle their shit". ...
SUPER sorry if that was harsh.
Anyway, Long story short...Here's the scoop, they called me at my JOB to tell me that the girls had a spat on the playground..
NEWSFLASH!
That's your problem!! That's what YOU signed up forl!
TRUST me, I get it, this SUCKS! Hence, the reason I didn't choose it! Don't get me wrong! with this whole "helicopter mom" movement, you couldn't PAY me enough to teach other people's kids! I have my fair share of babysitting days when I want to move to a compound in Texas and change my name but, YUCK!
Keep in mind that if I thought for 2 SECONDS that this was bullying, I would snatch my little crumbsnatcher up QUICK! I would have no problem Letting her know it's not okay. if it was skinny girls picking on chunky girl or pretty girls picking on ugly girls, etc..., I would FLASH. I am NOT cool with picking on people. This was kids being kids and I can say that confidently based on the rest of the boring conversation that I didn't burden you with. This was building character. Learning that certain personalities don't mix.
I am confessing now--- I think it's ridiculous that they deemed it necessary to contact me for this shit, at my job in the middle of the day to tell me that there were a group of girls on the playground that had a SPAT. I CHOSE to send my kids to public school and I need to understand what comes with that. I am not going to discipline my daughter for deciding whether she wants to befriend someone,and although my daughter was only brought in as a witness, It's not up to me to tell someone else what to do with their kids either. I don't see this as an opportunity to discipline my kids, or to teach her discipline. I see this as a way to teach my daughter that she is free to be whoever the FUCK she wants to be. If she personally didn't feel that someone is her cup of tea, then she doesn't HAVE to let that chick color on her paper. PERIOD. It's her paper. Welcome to the real fucking world??? people wont like you... who gives a shit. I deal with it every day. (I know, weird, right? but it happens...)
I know your first question will be, "what if my daughter was in the other position"- I have 2 answers.
#1. My job is to teach her that she is is beautiful enough and amazing that she is enough. she does NOT have to surround herself with people who think she needs to change. She is awesome enough to shine on her own without all them other broads trying to steal her thunder. PS---you don't need highlights or a boob job til you're at LEAST 25....
#2. My daughter is awesome. Of all the things I have EVER instilled in her, the #1 thing is that she is smart and funny and beautiful and doesn't need anything or anyone to tell her that. If for any reason, someone decides to tell her otherwise......
FUCK 'EM....
She'll be signing their paycheck one day.
and taking over my blog.......!!!!!!!! Back with a vengeance!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
The Scarlet letter.......
Once again, I go out to my mailbox for the first time in weeks....so that I have starter paper for my fireplace.
I sift through the MOUND of junk mail only to find my THIRD notice about my childs excessive tardiness... So far this year.... Let me tell you how fucking crazy it drives my husband that I am late to EVERYTHING. I try....I really do!! But I have to squeeze so much shit into a limited amount of time that sometimes...okay...all the time....I exceed that tiny little time limit. So I've decided that I just might write them back.
"Dear nosy judgmental public school-
I am writing this letter in response to your most recent letter hom explaining to me that my child "Female Spawn" has been tardy or absent at least 3 times so far this semester.
FIRST of all- do you homework. she's been tardy, NEVER absent. soooooo, IN YOUR FACE!
second, Please define "Tardy". Because my understanding is that school starts at 8:45. The clock in my car is exactly 5 minutes fast...why, you ask? I don't know. It's pointless.. BUT... when I drop her off at :8:50 on my clock, she runs her cute little ass into her classroom (and her last name starts with T), please confirm on which occasions she was there before or AFTER roll was taken...If she rolled in stealth like a ninja before her name was called then technically, she was "THERE" and I want to dispute said Tardies. One more thing- If you could manage the GODDAMN traffic in the horseshoe a little more efficiently, I am sure our # would be cut in half.
AS a matter of fact, we can have another meeting to discuss the award you're going to give me for never ramming on of these stupid cottlers in your parking lot. I suggest we call it the "Patience of Jobe" award....
I'll leave that up to you.
Next--- I am all about kids taking responsibility these days, and believe that it doesn't happen nearly enough--- but TRUST me when I tell you that she is crammed up my ass while I am putting on my eyebrows to be ready on time. Girl is SET to walk out that door on time every day...If it was up to her, she would grab my keys and leave without me to teach me a lesson.
Unfortunately, she's 7.
My understanding is that they don't start stealing our cars until at least 13-- and when they do, they're not in a hurry to get to school. So your idle threat of academic probabtion or whateverthefuck it is that you are threatening, is entirely misplaced. She's not getting her ass handed to her for this one. Here's a suggestion. Lets take some of that money that I keep donating to all of your fundraisers and offer the nostalgic "big yellow school bus" without charging me $240 a month to have her ride it???!!!
LAST but not least. Even with all of the tardies and being the little social butterfly that she is, she's still at the top of the class. So, I am passing on this suggestion. Save yourself the money for the paper, ink, and stamp and stop sending this pointless letter home. I don't care. I am well aware and you can shove it up your ass. By the time I drop her off, I have dropped the other kid off with breakfast (getting him out the door by 6 in the morning is a feat in and of itself) , been to the gym, thrown dinner in the crock pot, made her breakfast, gotten myself and my entire family up and out the door to get to work by 9... so if my kid strolls in 4 minutes late because her clothes are clean and her breakfast and dinner are made at home with love by her hardworking mom, then I just might start framing your fucking letters as honor badges."
How's that for justification.
Sincerely,
Badmomdotcom
I sift through the MOUND of junk mail only to find my THIRD notice about my childs excessive tardiness... So far this year.... Let me tell you how fucking crazy it drives my husband that I am late to EVERYTHING. I try....I really do!! But I have to squeeze so much shit into a limited amount of time that sometimes...okay...all the time....I exceed that tiny little time limit. So I've decided that I just might write them back.
"Dear nosy judgmental public school-
I am writing this letter in response to your most recent letter hom explaining to me that my child "Female Spawn" has been tardy or absent at least 3 times so far this semester.
FIRST of all- do you homework. she's been tardy, NEVER absent. soooooo, IN YOUR FACE!
second, Please define "Tardy". Because my understanding is that school starts at 8:45. The clock in my car is exactly 5 minutes fast...why, you ask? I don't know. It's pointless.. BUT... when I drop her off at :8:50 on my clock, she runs her cute little ass into her classroom (and her last name starts with T), please confirm on which occasions she was there before or AFTER roll was taken...If she rolled in stealth like a ninja before her name was called then technically, she was "THERE" and I want to dispute said Tardies. One more thing- If you could manage the GODDAMN traffic in the horseshoe a little more efficiently, I am sure our # would be cut in half.
AS a matter of fact, we can have another meeting to discuss the award you're going to give me for never ramming on of these stupid cottlers in your parking lot. I suggest we call it the "Patience of Jobe" award....
I'll leave that up to you.
Next--- I am all about kids taking responsibility these days, and believe that it doesn't happen nearly enough--- but TRUST me when I tell you that she is crammed up my ass while I am putting on my eyebrows to be ready on time. Girl is SET to walk out that door on time every day...If it was up to her, she would grab my keys and leave without me to teach me a lesson.
Unfortunately, she's 7.
My understanding is that they don't start stealing our cars until at least 13-- and when they do, they're not in a hurry to get to school. So your idle threat of academic probabtion or whateverthefuck it is that you are threatening, is entirely misplaced. She's not getting her ass handed to her for this one. Here's a suggestion. Lets take some of that money that I keep donating to all of your fundraisers and offer the nostalgic "big yellow school bus" without charging me $240 a month to have her ride it???!!!
LAST but not least. Even with all of the tardies and being the little social butterfly that she is, she's still at the top of the class. So, I am passing on this suggestion. Save yourself the money for the paper, ink, and stamp and stop sending this pointless letter home. I don't care. I am well aware and you can shove it up your ass. By the time I drop her off, I have dropped the other kid off with breakfast (getting him out the door by 6 in the morning is a feat in and of itself) , been to the gym, thrown dinner in the crock pot, made her breakfast, gotten myself and my entire family up and out the door to get to work by 9... so if my kid strolls in 4 minutes late because her clothes are clean and her breakfast and dinner are made at home with love by her hardworking mom, then I just might start framing your fucking letters as honor badges."
How's that for justification.
Sincerely,
Badmomdotcom
Saturday, January 26, 2013
PUNISHMENT.... Trust me when I say "this hurts me more than it hurts you"
UGH..... So who else feels like when the kids are grounded, YOU'RE grounded.
Let's face it, you can't send them to Grandmas because we all know how that ends. they have a 42 inch flatscreen professionally hung on the wall and a brand new X box because....well.....
"grandma needed to buy one anyway"..
This blows. I've been grounded to the house for 2 weekends straight because the male spawn got a couple of bad grades.
Trying to explain that the whole ---- "You being grounded SUCKS ASS for me" is impossible. He honestly thinks I enjoy this shit...... UMMMMM.... I'd rather get shot in the face.
When kids are grounded they will find ANY POSSIBLE reason to get "yard time".
for anyone who doesn't understand this phrase---- It's when someone is in jail/prison and they are allowed out in the fresh air to enjoy the general activities that normal people take for granted- ( me included....there's nothing I love more than locking myself in my dark house and enjoying doing nothing)
So I have inadvertantly heard the guitar portion of Hotel California and some Elton John song 14hundredfuckingtimes...
Why, do you ask??
Because he has "Guitar Class" and practice is "homework".
So... the male spawn is grounded... and once again, SO---AM----I-----
yes, again.... apparently he doesn't know the Academic FUCKING alphabet... F is BAD...
.
so he goes through 80 different emotions....... PER HOUR.
Anger, love, sadness, etcccc...... He hates me, loves me, every other second!!!! WTF!!???
LOOK Man!! I don't understand you!! I need some directioN!!! do you need the most recent issue of Playboy??? Do you need longer shower time??? I Don't get it!! I am so lost...
How do I be an authority figure and a confidant at the same time?
Holy shit... This is a fucking roller coaster and it SUCKS. Could we PUHLEASSSEEEE just go back to loving spiderman and eating dirt ...... pretty please?
IN light of allllllll this drama--------- Let me tell you what scares me more than anything....
Everyone has told me since the beginning...
"there's nothing like a teenage girl"...
WTF???Are you shitting me??? There is something worse than this,,,, RIGHT NOW?????? OMG!?
I can't even IMAGINE what is coming....what road lies ahead???? I mean, nobody warned me about teenage boys!
well, they did, but it was all about closed doors and long showers....
but they didn't explain THIS SHIT! I have gained 10 LBS and increased my alcohol consumption 110% since he entered his teenage years...
I think I am going to need a fucking real estate agent to help me start scoping out mental hospitals if teen girls are any worse than this. SERIOUSLY.
Let's face it, you can't send them to Grandmas because we all know how that ends. they have a 42 inch flatscreen professionally hung on the wall and a brand new X box because....well.....
"grandma needed to buy one anyway"..
This blows. I've been grounded to the house for 2 weekends straight because the male spawn got a couple of bad grades.
Trying to explain that the whole ---- "You being grounded SUCKS ASS for me" is impossible. He honestly thinks I enjoy this shit...... UMMMMM.... I'd rather get shot in the face.
When kids are grounded they will find ANY POSSIBLE reason to get "yard time".
for anyone who doesn't understand this phrase---- It's when someone is in jail/prison and they are allowed out in the fresh air to enjoy the general activities that normal people take for granted- ( me included....there's nothing I love more than locking myself in my dark house and enjoying doing nothing)
So I have inadvertantly heard the guitar portion of Hotel California and some Elton John song 14hundredfuckingtimes...
Why, do you ask??
Because he has "Guitar Class" and practice is "homework".
So... the male spawn is grounded... and once again, SO---AM----I-----
yes, again.... apparently he doesn't know the Academic FUCKING alphabet... F is BAD...
.
so he goes through 80 different emotions....... PER HOUR.
Anger, love, sadness, etcccc...... He hates me, loves me, every other second!!!! WTF!!???
LOOK Man!! I don't understand you!! I need some directioN!!! do you need the most recent issue of Playboy??? Do you need longer shower time??? I Don't get it!! I am so lost...
How do I be an authority figure and a confidant at the same time?
Holy shit... This is a fucking roller coaster and it SUCKS. Could we PUHLEASSSEEEE just go back to loving spiderman and eating dirt ...... pretty please?
IN light of allllllll this drama--------- Let me tell you what scares me more than anything....
Everyone has told me since the beginning...
"there's nothing like a teenage girl"...
WTF???Are you shitting me??? There is something worse than this,,,, RIGHT NOW?????? OMG!?
I can't even IMAGINE what is coming....what road lies ahead???? I mean, nobody warned me about teenage boys!
well, they did, but it was all about closed doors and long showers....
but they didn't explain THIS SHIT! I have gained 10 LBS and increased my alcohol consumption 110% since he entered his teenage years...
I think I am going to need a fucking real estate agent to help me start scoping out mental hospitals if teen girls are any worse than this. SERIOUSLY.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Bitch Betta Give me my COFFEE!!!!!
I am passing this one on from a friend. Fortunately, I never had to deal with this when I was carrying my little bundles of joy- but I PROMISE you that if I had, this guy might possibly be wearing an eye patch today.
I was recently informed of this appalling display of STUPIDITY and cannot help but pass this one on. Consider this a public safety message---because one day, you will come across the wrong pregnant chic who just might wrap your apron around your neck and choke you out.
Do you remember being close to someone who was pregnant? If you're smart, you were walking on eggshells and sleeping with one eye open.
Well, I VIVIDLY remember when I was pregnant (as does my poor,unsuspecting, and almost EX-husband). Which is why I will NEVERRRRRRRRRRRR do it again.
I was MISERABLE-- Fat, tired, uncomfortable, SOBER...you name it, I was wallowing in my own self pity for it.
When I wanted something, I realllllllllllly wanted it. Whether it was a hot dog from the vendor in front of the Pine Cove Bar at 11 O'clock at night or a grande iced white mocha with whipped cream and real milk, or maybe a certain kind of ice from the fountain machine at a specific gas station... I KNEW what I wanted--- and what I was comfortable putting in my body. THAT being said- Please read on. You're going to SHIT when I tell you this..... This is some crazy stuff right here.
Pregnant chic waddles her happy ass into a "well known coffee shop that rhymes with MARCLUCKS".
Because she's grown enough to give birth and dilate her uterus to 10 FUCKING CENTIMETERS to squeeze a life out of her vagina, I consider her to be old enough to order a coffee, ---right? (we can all discuss "Teen Mom" later--that's a whoooole different blog)
Anyhow.
She ganders at the menu for a moment before she heads to the register to place her order.
Barista skips over to take her order.
She rubs her belly. (not because she glowing, but because she's probably had heartburn for the past 2 hours and wants to gargle with and then swallow an entire container of TUMS) .
"Good Morning! Welcome! What can I get for you today! "
She proceeds give him her order, which is followed by a long pause from said skipping Barista.
"Ummm. I'm Sorry Ma'am. I can't make this drink for you"
Now---- because I was not ACTUALLY the prego chic at the counter- I can't tell you exactly what she said- I can only tell the story as if I were there myself...so--- read on....
"Why the fuck not?"
"Ummmmmmmm... Well... (Ehem).... Because caffeine is really bad for your baby and I don't agree with drinking caffeinated beverages while you're....."with child"....."
Well HO-----LY ----------SHIT!
How about THIS, you little judgemental PRICK???? Let's turn your penis inside out and shove a watermelon into your ball-sac. THEN You can tell me WHAT THE F*CK I am allowed to order in your establishment. Does THAT work for you????? You couldn't even handle a damn HERNIA!!! This little shitbag is going to tell me that I can't have my mocha????? Did you get high on the Nitrous before you skipped your happy little ass over here? I'll walk the hell out of here, hop in my swagger wagon, and roll through the drive thru and you would be NONE the wiser. but for some stupid reason, you decided that its your duty to push your personal agenda on someone else. Do you FEEL better??? You saved her unborn child FROM WHAT????? Let me guess, one time, you happened to pick up your mom's Woman's Day Magazine instead of playboy when you went to whack off in the shitter and all the sudden your a pediatrician????
Next time, you little son-of-a- bitch, you decided to play OBGYN, bring your PH-D to work with you--THEN I MIGHT let you tell me HOW to be pregnant!!
The moral of this story is that EVERYONE has a cause. Whether it's no lunch meat, no caffeine, no wine, no dairy , no sex, light exercise, no sun, special shampoo, no thong underwear--- whatever you deem to be best for your body and your baby, I PROMISE you that there is someone out there who can find a study somewhere to tell you that what you're doing is wrong. Believe it or not, our bodies are pretty smart and can tell us when something isn't right. (Thank goodness for Web MD right?) But no matter what, it's not up to us to decide what is right for someone else. period.
This little shit bag is lucky he still has his Adam's apple.
I was recently informed of this appalling display of STUPIDITY and cannot help but pass this one on. Consider this a public safety message---because one day, you will come across the wrong pregnant chic who just might wrap your apron around your neck and choke you out.
Do you remember being close to someone who was pregnant? If you're smart, you were walking on eggshells and sleeping with one eye open.
Well, I VIVIDLY remember when I was pregnant (as does my poor,unsuspecting, and almost EX-husband). Which is why I will NEVERRRRRRRRRRRR do it again.
I was MISERABLE-- Fat, tired, uncomfortable, SOBER...you name it, I was wallowing in my own self pity for it.
When I wanted something, I realllllllllllly wanted it. Whether it was a hot dog from the vendor in front of the Pine Cove Bar at 11 O'clock at night or a grande iced white mocha with whipped cream and real milk, or maybe a certain kind of ice from the fountain machine at a specific gas station... I KNEW what I wanted--- and what I was comfortable putting in my body. THAT being said- Please read on. You're going to SHIT when I tell you this..... This is some crazy stuff right here.
Pregnant chic waddles her happy ass into a "well known coffee shop that rhymes with MARCLUCKS".
Because she's grown enough to give birth and dilate her uterus to 10 FUCKING CENTIMETERS to squeeze a life out of her vagina, I consider her to be old enough to order a coffee, ---right? (we can all discuss "Teen Mom" later--that's a whoooole different blog)
Anyhow.
She ganders at the menu for a moment before she heads to the register to place her order.
Barista skips over to take her order.
She rubs her belly. (not because she glowing, but because she's probably had heartburn for the past 2 hours and wants to gargle with and then swallow an entire container of TUMS) .
"Good Morning! Welcome! What can I get for you today! "
She proceeds give him her order, which is followed by a long pause from said skipping Barista.
"Ummm. I'm Sorry Ma'am. I can't make this drink for you"
Now---- because I was not ACTUALLY the prego chic at the counter- I can't tell you exactly what she said- I can only tell the story as if I were there myself...so--- read on....
"Why the fuck not?"
"Ummmmmmmm... Well... (Ehem).... Because caffeine is really bad for your baby and I don't agree with drinking caffeinated beverages while you're....."with child"....."
Well HO-----LY ----------SHIT!
How about THIS, you little judgemental PRICK???? Let's turn your penis inside out and shove a watermelon into your ball-sac. THEN You can tell me WHAT THE F*CK I am allowed to order in your establishment. Does THAT work for you????? You couldn't even handle a damn HERNIA!!! This little shitbag is going to tell me that I can't have my mocha????? Did you get high on the Nitrous before you skipped your happy little ass over here? I'll walk the hell out of here, hop in my swagger wagon, and roll through the drive thru and you would be NONE the wiser. but for some stupid reason, you decided that its your duty to push your personal agenda on someone else. Do you FEEL better??? You saved her unborn child FROM WHAT????? Let me guess, one time, you happened to pick up your mom's Woman's Day Magazine instead of playboy when you went to whack off in the shitter and all the sudden your a pediatrician????
Next time, you little son-of-a- bitch, you decided to play OBGYN, bring your PH-D to work with you--THEN I MIGHT let you tell me HOW to be pregnant!!
The moral of this story is that EVERYONE has a cause. Whether it's no lunch meat, no caffeine, no wine, no dairy , no sex, light exercise, no sun, special shampoo, no thong underwear--- whatever you deem to be best for your body and your baby, I PROMISE you that there is someone out there who can find a study somewhere to tell you that what you're doing is wrong. Believe it or not, our bodies are pretty smart and can tell us when something isn't right. (Thank goodness for Web MD right?) But no matter what, it's not up to us to decide what is right for someone else. period.
This little shit bag is lucky he still has his Adam's apple.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Halloween CANCELLED....
Let me start by giving you a little bit of background on the female spawn. She is OBSESSED with holidays and even more obsessed with her own birthday. So obsessed that the day AFTER her party every year she's already talking about next year.
This year, we are doing a Halloween themed birthday party---Seeing as how the trusty old "Halloween costume" is the biggest waste of money on the entire fuck-ing planet, I don't see anything wrong with trying to squeeze one more appearance out of the damn thing.
Yesterday on our way to school, before I put on my suit of armour and made my way towards the dreaded "Horseshoe", the female spawn pipes up and says:
"We aren't having a Halloween Party in my class"..
"Oh, are you having a Harvest Party instead?" (By the way--- harvest party? STUPID... but whatever)
"Nope. We aren't having any party at all. "Johnny" isn't allowed to celebrate Halloween and his mom says we can't have a party because it would make him feel bad".
ARE YOU SHITTING MEEEEE????? I have SOOOOOOOO MANY issues with this.
Here's the thing. We've slowly but surely ripped Halloween out of school and fluffed it up into what we now call "Harvest". Where they can only wear Scarecrow or Pilgrim constumes--Which, to me, screams "Hey bitches!! we don't care how much money you spent on the other costume, we have fabricated some reason for you to have to go spend some more of your hard earned money to buy another outfit that the kids are only going to wear once and you're going to have to find a place to put it or find some unsuspecting friend and throw it into a bag of "hand me downs" once "Harvest" is over..
My 2nd issue is that I want to slap the fuck out of Johnny's mom. YUP. Sure do. THIS "helicopter mom" Thinks she just did something righteous for her kid. She stood up to the EEEEVIL Halloween!! OOOOOOOOO!! Way to go!! You just single handedly alienated your kid from the ENTIRE class.
See here's the thing--- you dumb bitch--- you didn't stand up to some evil holiday, you didn't remove the idle threat of exposing your precious Johnny to some evil Pagan celebration. You haven't protected young Johnny from a lifetime of devil worshiping and animal sacrifices.
Nope.
You took a completely innocent tradition where kids get to eat candy and play dress up and use their IMAGINATIONS, a celebration that creates comradery while they walk together and sift through their candy bags together. They put down the video game controllers and Ipods and JUST BE KIDS.
BRAVO!!! where did you get your motherly instincts, a cracker jack box???
If you want to rip your kids' childhood away because you're a dumb bitch- you go ahead. but keep it at home. By the way, how "Protective" was it to have your kid in a classroom of other kids who KNOW that they don't get to celebrate because of HIM? Because YOU have some vendetta with Halloween!!!! These people are THE WORST. Not only do they just SUCK, but to top it off they want to push their suckiness onto the whole rest of the world and pretend that they're NOT sucky ---and go about like nothing is wrong with any of this.
I often feel bad for my kids because they have such a terrible mother. But I think I might have found a kid that I feel worse for. Poor Johnny.
This year, we are doing a Halloween themed birthday party---Seeing as how the trusty old "Halloween costume" is the biggest waste of money on the entire fuck-ing planet, I don't see anything wrong with trying to squeeze one more appearance out of the damn thing.
Yesterday on our way to school, before I put on my suit of armour and made my way towards the dreaded "Horseshoe", the female spawn pipes up and says:
"We aren't having a Halloween Party in my class"..
"Oh, are you having a Harvest Party instead?" (By the way--- harvest party? STUPID... but whatever)
"Nope. We aren't having any party at all. "Johnny" isn't allowed to celebrate Halloween and his mom says we can't have a party because it would make him feel bad".
ARE YOU SHITTING MEEEEE????? I have SOOOOOOOO MANY issues with this.
Here's the thing. We've slowly but surely ripped Halloween out of school and fluffed it up into what we now call "Harvest". Where they can only wear Scarecrow or Pilgrim constumes--Which, to me, screams "Hey bitches!! we don't care how much money you spent on the other costume, we have fabricated some reason for you to have to go spend some more of your hard earned money to buy another outfit that the kids are only going to wear once and you're going to have to find a place to put it or find some unsuspecting friend and throw it into a bag of "hand me downs" once "Harvest" is over..
My 2nd issue is that I want to slap the fuck out of Johnny's mom. YUP. Sure do. THIS "helicopter mom" Thinks she just did something righteous for her kid. She stood up to the EEEEVIL Halloween!! OOOOOOOOO!! Way to go!! You just single handedly alienated your kid from the ENTIRE class.
See here's the thing--- you dumb bitch--- you didn't stand up to some evil holiday, you didn't remove the idle threat of exposing your precious Johnny to some evil Pagan celebration. You haven't protected young Johnny from a lifetime of devil worshiping and animal sacrifices.
Nope.
You took a completely innocent tradition where kids get to eat candy and play dress up and use their IMAGINATIONS, a celebration that creates comradery while they walk together and sift through their candy bags together. They put down the video game controllers and Ipods and JUST BE KIDS.
BRAVO!!! where did you get your motherly instincts, a cracker jack box???
If you want to rip your kids' childhood away because you're a dumb bitch- you go ahead. but keep it at home. By the way, how "Protective" was it to have your kid in a classroom of other kids who KNOW that they don't get to celebrate because of HIM? Because YOU have some vendetta with Halloween!!!! These people are THE WORST. Not only do they just SUCK, but to top it off they want to push their suckiness onto the whole rest of the world and pretend that they're NOT sucky ---and go about like nothing is wrong with any of this.
I often feel bad for my kids because they have such a terrible mother. But I think I might have found a kid that I feel worse for. Poor Johnny.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
When other people's issues become YOUR problem
Ahhhhhh...good ol' summertime. when the kids want to spend the night with a friend EVERY- SINGLE- NIGHT for the next 3 months....and if/when you say no, it's an all out poutfest that I, for one, DON'T want to deal with.
Here's the problem I have with kids spending the night anymore.
When I was a kid, you ran home, asked your mom, grabbed your pillow, sleeping bag, and pajamas and left. You stayed up all night on the party line or watching scary movies or.... whatever.
NOWADAYS, you need a fucking MANUAL to let other peoples kids spend the night. I'm waiting for the day when someone's parent's bring over a moving truck with their overnight bag. Here's the thing. I don't care if you're kid is on a completely organic greens vegan, low tofu, non-dairy diet. THAT'S NOT my problem. don't bring 8 pairs of underwear and a plastic king size bed cover because the kid is claustrophobic and has bladder control issues. Don't you DARE bring a container of wipies for your 8 year old to wipe their ass and explain that I need to watch and be sure that they use them because they have a sensitive TOOSHIE...
WTF is WRONG with YOU????
MAybe they have a sensitive TOOSHIE because you've been wiping their ass with a wet wipe looooooong after you should be???? Is it possible that they are not using them when you're not looking because it makes them feel like they have swamp ass when their done doing the "potty"? Who wants wet ass cheeks AFTER handling their business???? .....
NOBODY!
DRY and CLEAN is how one wants to leave the toilet. period.
You wanna know what kids want to do when they spend the night out? Eat crappy food, and stay up all night! Kids HATE Tofu!!!!CMON let the kid have a fucking DORITO!???
You wanna know WHY I said yes to your kid spending the night? So that my own kid could be crammed up someone else's ass for almost 24 hours and I can FINALLY clean the bathrooms! So I could have a reason to throw chicken nuggets and french fries on a plate and call it dinner!
I spend 40+ hours per week working, cooking, babysitting, etc.... I am NOT doing all weekend too. So please read my warning- I do not cater to any special diets, I'm not sleeping on the couch so your kid can sleep in my bed covered in plastic wrap, I am NOT going anywhere near your grown kids ass with a wet wipe and I refuse to put Tofu on my BBQ....
Here's the problem I have with kids spending the night anymore.
When I was a kid, you ran home, asked your mom, grabbed your pillow, sleeping bag, and pajamas and left. You stayed up all night on the party line or watching scary movies or.... whatever.
NOWADAYS, you need a fucking MANUAL to let other peoples kids spend the night. I'm waiting for the day when someone's parent's bring over a moving truck with their overnight bag. Here's the thing. I don't care if you're kid is on a completely organic greens vegan, low tofu, non-dairy diet. THAT'S NOT my problem. don't bring 8 pairs of underwear and a plastic king size bed cover because the kid is claustrophobic and has bladder control issues. Don't you DARE bring a container of wipies for your 8 year old to wipe their ass and explain that I need to watch and be sure that they use them because they have a sensitive TOOSHIE...
WTF is WRONG with YOU????
MAybe they have a sensitive TOOSHIE because you've been wiping their ass with a wet wipe looooooong after you should be???? Is it possible that they are not using them when you're not looking because it makes them feel like they have swamp ass when their done doing the "potty"? Who wants wet ass cheeks AFTER handling their business???? .....
NOBODY!
DRY and CLEAN is how one wants to leave the toilet. period.
You wanna know what kids want to do when they spend the night out? Eat crappy food, and stay up all night! Kids HATE Tofu!!!!CMON let the kid have a fucking DORITO!???
You wanna know WHY I said yes to your kid spending the night? So that my own kid could be crammed up someone else's ass for almost 24 hours and I can FINALLY clean the bathrooms! So I could have a reason to throw chicken nuggets and french fries on a plate and call it dinner!
I spend 40+ hours per week working, cooking, babysitting, etc.... I am NOT doing all weekend too. So please read my warning- I do not cater to any special diets, I'm not sleeping on the couch so your kid can sleep in my bed covered in plastic wrap, I am NOT going anywhere near your grown kids ass with a wet wipe and I refuse to put Tofu on my BBQ....
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