The Scarlet letter.......

Once again, I go out to my mailbox for the first time in weeks....so that I have starter paper for my fireplace.

I sift through the MOUND of junk mail only to find my THIRD notice about my childs excessive tardiness... So far this year.... Let me tell you how fucking crazy it drives my husband that I am late to EVERYTHING. I try....I really do!! But I have to squeeze so much shit into a limited amount of time that sometimes...okay...all the time....I exceed that tiny little time limit. So I've decided that I just might write them back.

"Dear nosy judgmental public school-
I am writing this letter in response to your most recent letter hom explaining to me that my child "Female Spawn" has been tardy or absent at least 3 times so far this semester.

FIRST of all- do you homework. she's been tardy, NEVER absent. soooooo,  IN YOUR FACE!

second, Please define "Tardy". Because my understanding is that school starts at 8:45. The clock in my car is exactly 5 minutes fast...why, you ask? I don't know. It's pointless.. BUT... when I drop her off at :8:50 on my clock, she runs her cute little ass into her classroom (and her last name starts with T), please confirm on which occasions she was there before or AFTER roll was taken...If she rolled in stealth like a ninja before her name was called then technically, she was "THERE" and I want to dispute said Tardies. One more thing- If you could manage the GODDAMN traffic in the horseshoe a little more efficiently, I am sure our # would be cut in half.
AS a matter of fact, we can have another meeting to discuss the award you're going to give me for never ramming on of these stupid cottlers in your parking lot. I suggest we call it the "Patience of Jobe" award....
I'll leave that up to you.

Next--- I am all about kids taking responsibility these days, and believe that it doesn't happen nearly enough--- but TRUST me when I tell you that she is crammed up my ass while I am putting on my eyebrows to be ready on time. Girl is SET to walk out that door on time every day...If it was up to her, she would grab my keys and leave without me to teach me a lesson.
Unfortunately, she's 7.
 My understanding is that they don't start stealing our cars until at least 13-- and when they do, they're not in a hurry to get to school. So your idle threat of academic probabtion or whateverthefuck it is that you are threatening, is entirely misplaced. She's not getting her ass handed to her for this one. Here's a suggestion. Lets take some of that money that I keep donating to all of your fundraisers and offer the nostalgic "big yellow school bus" without charging me $240 a month to have her ride it???!!!

LAST but not least. Even with all of the tardies and being the little social butterfly that she is, she's still at the top of the class. So, I am passing on this suggestion. Save yourself the money for the paper, ink, and stamp and stop sending this pointless letter home. I don't care. I am well aware and you can shove it up your ass. By the time I drop her off, I have dropped the other kid off with breakfast (getting him out the door by 6 in the morning is a feat in and of itself) , been to the gym, thrown dinner in the crock pot, made her breakfast, gotten myself and my entire family up and out the door to get to work by 9... so if my kid strolls in 4 minutes late because her clothes are clean and her breakfast and dinner are made at home with love by her hardworking mom, then I just might start framing your fucking letters as honor badges."

How's that for justification.

Sincerely,

Badmomdotcom

PUNISHMENT.... Trust me when I say "this hurts me more than it hurts you"

UGH..... So who else feels like when the kids are grounded, YOU'RE grounded.

Let's face it, you can't send them to Grandmas because we all know how that ends. they have a 42 inch flatscreen professionally hung on the wall and a brand new X box because....well.....
 "grandma needed to buy one anyway"..

This blows. I've been grounded to the house for 2 weekends straight because the male spawn got a couple of bad grades.
Trying to explain that the whole ---- "You being grounded SUCKS ASS for me" is impossible. He honestly thinks I enjoy this shit...... UMMMMM....  I'd rather get shot in the face.

When kids are grounded they will find ANY POSSIBLE reason to get "yard time".

for anyone who doesn't understand this phrase---- It's when someone is in jail/prison and they are allowed out in the fresh air to enjoy the general activities that normal people take for granted- ( me included....there's nothing I love more than locking myself in my dark house and enjoying doing nothing)

So I have inadvertantly heard the guitar portion of Hotel California and some Elton John song 14hundredfuckingtimes...
Why, do you ask??
Because he has "Guitar Class" and practice is "homework".
So... the male spawn is grounded... and once again, SO---AM----I-----
yes, again.... apparently he doesn't know the Academic FUCKING alphabet... F is BAD...
.
so he goes through 80 different emotions....... PER HOUR.
Anger, love, sadness, etcccc...... He hates me, loves me, every other second!!!! WTF!!???

LOOK Man!! I don't understand you!! I need some directioN!!! do you need the most recent issue of Playboy??? Do you need longer shower time??? I Don't get it!! I am so lost...
How do I be an authority figure and a confidant at the same time?
 Holy shit... This is a fucking roller coaster and it SUCKS. Could we PUHLEASSSEEEE  just go back to loving spiderman and eating dirt ...... pretty please?

IN light of allllllll this drama--------- Let me tell you what scares me more than anything....
Everyone has told me since the beginning...

"there's nothing like a teenage girl"...

WTF???Are you shitting me??? There is something worse than this,,,, RIGHT NOW?????? OMG!?

I can't even IMAGINE what is coming....what road lies ahead???? I mean, nobody warned me about teenage boys!

well, they did, but it was all about closed doors and long showers....

 but they didn't explain THIS SHIT! I have  gained 10 LBS and increased my alcohol consumption 110% since he entered his teenage years...

I think I am going to need a fucking real estate agent to help me start scoping out mental hospitals if teen girls are any worse than this.  SERIOUSLY.

Bitch Betta Give me my COFFEE!!!!!

I am passing this one on from a friend. Fortunately, I never had to deal with this when I was carrying my little bundles of joy- but I PROMISE you that if I had, this guy might possibly be wearing an eye patch today.

I was recently informed of this appalling display of STUPIDITY and cannot help but pass this one on. Consider this a public safety message---because one day, you will come across the wrong pregnant chic who just might wrap your apron around your neck and choke you out.

Do you remember being close to someone who was pregnant? If you're smart, you were walking on eggshells and sleeping with one eye open.

Well, I VIVIDLY remember when I was pregnant (as does my poor,unsuspecting, and almost EX-husband). Which is why I will NEVERRRRRRRRRRRR do it again.
I was MISERABLE-- Fat, tired, uncomfortable, SOBER...you name it, I was wallowing in my own self pity for it.
When I wanted something, I realllllllllllly wanted it. Whether it was a hot dog from the vendor in front of the Pine Cove Bar at 11 O'clock at night or a grande iced white mocha with whipped cream and real milk, or maybe a certain kind of ice from the fountain machine at a specific gas station... I KNEW what I wanted--- and what I was comfortable putting in my body. THAT being said- Please read on. You're going to SHIT when I tell you this..... This is some crazy stuff right here.

Pregnant chic waddles her happy ass into a "well known coffee shop that rhymes with MARCLUCKS".

Because she's grown enough to give birth and dilate her uterus to 10 FUCKING CENTIMETERS to squeeze a life out of her vagina, I consider her to be old enough to order a coffee, ---right? (we can all discuss "Teen Mom" later--that's a whoooole different blog)
Anyhow.
She ganders at the menu for a moment before she heads to the register to place her order.

Barista skips over to take her order.
She rubs her belly. (not because she glowing, but because she's probably had heartburn for the past 2 hours and wants to gargle with and then swallow an entire container of TUMS) .
"Good Morning! Welcome! What can I get for you today! "
She proceeds give him her order, which is followed by a long pause from said skipping Barista.

"Ummm. I'm Sorry Ma'am. I can't make this drink for you"

Now---- because I was not ACTUALLY the prego chic at the counter- I can't tell you exactly what she said- I can only tell the story as if I were there myself...so--- read on....

"Why the fuck not?"

"Ummmmmmmm... Well... (Ehem).... Because caffeine is really bad for your baby and I don't agree with drinking caffeinated beverages while you're....."with child"....."

Well   HO-----LY ----------SHIT!
How about THIS, you little judgemental PRICK???? Let's turn your penis inside out and shove a watermelon into your ball-sac. THEN You can tell me WHAT THE F*CK I am allowed to order in your establishment. Does THAT work for you????? You couldn't even handle a damn HERNIA!!! This little shitbag is going to tell me that I can't have my mocha????? Did you get high on the Nitrous before you skipped your happy little ass over here?  I'll walk the hell out of here, hop in my swagger wagon, and roll through the drive thru and you would be NONE the wiser. but for some stupid reason, you decided that its your duty to push your personal agenda on someone else. Do you FEEL better??? You saved her unborn child FROM WHAT?????  Let me guess,  one time, you happened to pick up your mom's Woman's Day Magazine instead of playboy when you went to whack off in the shitter and all the sudden your a pediatrician????

Next time, you little son-of-a- bitch, you decided to play OBGYN, bring your PH-D to work with you--THEN I MIGHT let you tell me HOW to be pregnant!!

The moral of this story is that EVERYONE has a cause. Whether it's  no lunch meat, no caffeine, no wine, no dairy , no sex, light exercise, no sun, special shampoo, no thong underwear--- whatever you deem to be best for your body and your baby, I PROMISE you that there is someone out there who can find a study somewhere to tell you that what you're doing is wrong. Believe it or not, our bodies are pretty smart and can tell us when something isn't right. (Thank goodness for Web MD right?) But no matter what, it's not up to us to decide what is right for someone else. period.

This little shit bag is lucky he still has his Adam's apple.

Halloween CANCELLED....

Let me start by giving you a little bit of background on the female spawn. She is OBSESSED with holidays and even more obsessed with her own birthday. So obsessed that the day AFTER her party every year she's already talking about next year.
This year, we are doing a Halloween themed birthday party---Seeing as how the trusty old "Halloween costume" is the biggest waste of money on the entire fuck-ing planet, I don't see anything wrong with trying to squeeze one more appearance out of the damn thing.

Yesterday on our way to school, before I put on my suit of armour and made my way towards the dreaded "Horseshoe", the female spawn pipes up and says:

"We aren't having a Halloween Party in my class"..

"Oh, are you having a Harvest Party instead?" (By the way--- harvest party? STUPID... but whatever)

"Nope. We aren't having any party at all. "Johnny" isn't allowed to celebrate Halloween and his mom says we can't have a party because it would make him feel bad".

ARE YOU SHITTING MEEEEE????? I have SOOOOOOOO MANY issues with this.
Here's the thing. We've slowly but surely ripped Halloween out of school and fluffed it up into what we now call "Harvest". Where they can only wear Scarecrow or Pilgrim constumes--Which, to me, screams "Hey bitches!! we don't care how much money you spent on the other costume, we have fabricated some reason for you to have to go spend some more of your hard earned money to buy another outfit that the kids are only going to wear once and you're going to have to find a place to put it or find some unsuspecting friend and throw it into a bag of "hand me downs" once "Harvest" is over..
My 2nd issue is that I want to slap the fuck out of Johnny's mom. YUP. Sure do. THIS "helicopter mom" Thinks she just did something righteous for her kid. She stood up to the EEEEVIL Halloween!! OOOOOOOOO!! Way to go!! You just single handedly alienated your kid from the ENTIRE class.
See here's the thing--- you dumb bitch--- you didn't stand up to some evil holiday, you didn't remove the idle threat of exposing your precious Johnny to some evil Pagan celebration. You haven't protected young Johnny from a lifetime of devil worshiping and animal sacrifices.
Nope.
You took a completely innocent tradition where kids get to eat candy and play dress up and use their IMAGINATIONS, a celebration that creates comradery while they walk together and sift through their candy bags together. They put down the video game controllers and Ipods and JUST BE KIDS.
BRAVO!!! where did you get your motherly instincts, a cracker jack box???
If you want to rip your kids' childhood away because you're a dumb bitch- you go ahead. but keep it at home. By the way, how "Protective" was it to have your kid in a classroom of other kids who KNOW that they don't get to celebrate because of HIM? Because YOU have some vendetta with Halloween!!!! These people are THE WORST. Not only do they just SUCK, but to top it off they want to push their suckiness onto the whole rest of the world and pretend that they're NOT sucky ---and go about like nothing is wrong with any of this.

I often feel bad for my kids because they have such a terrible mother. But I think I might have found a kid that I feel worse for. Poor Johnny.

When other people's issues become YOUR problem

Ahhhhhh...good ol' summertime. when the kids want to spend the night with a friend EVERY- SINGLE- NIGHT for the next 3 months....and if/when you say no, it's an all out poutfest that I, for one, DON'T want to deal with.
Here's the problem I have with kids spending the night anymore.
When I was a kid, you ran home, asked your mom, grabbed your pillow, sleeping bag, and pajamas and left. You stayed up all night on the party line or watching scary movies or.... whatever.

NOWADAYS, you need a fucking MANUAL to let other peoples kids spend the night. I'm waiting for the day when someone's parent's bring over a moving truck with their overnight bag. Here's the thing. I don't care if you're kid is on a completely organic greens vegan, low tofu, non-dairy diet. THAT'S NOT my problem. don't bring 8 pairs of underwear and a plastic king size bed cover because the kid is claustrophobic and has bladder control issues. Don't you DARE bring a container of wipies for your 8 year old to wipe their ass and explain that I need to watch and be sure that they use them because they have a sensitive TOOSHIE...
WTF is WRONG with YOU????
 MAybe they have a sensitive TOOSHIE because you've been wiping their ass with a wet wipe looooooong after you should be???? Is it possible that they are not using them when you're not looking because it makes them feel like they have swamp ass when their done doing the "potty"? Who wants wet ass cheeks AFTER handling their business???? .....
NOBODY!
DRY and CLEAN is how one wants to leave the toilet. period.

You wanna know what kids want to do when they spend the night out? Eat crappy food, and stay up all night! Kids HATE Tofu!!!!CMON let the kid have a fucking DORITO!???
You wanna know WHY I said yes to your kid spending the night? So that my own kid could be crammed up someone else's ass for almost 24 hours and I can FINALLY clean the bathrooms! So I could have a reason to throw chicken nuggets and french fries on a plate and call it dinner!
I spend 40+ hours per week working, cooking, babysitting, etc.... I am NOT doing all weekend too. So please read my warning- I do not cater to any special diets, I'm not sleeping on the couch so your kid can sleep in my bed covered in plastic wrap, I am NOT going anywhere near your grown kids ass with a wet wipe and I refuse to put Tofu on my BBQ....

SWEEEEEET Summertime....

HOL-LYYY SHIT- It's almost here- and for some of you, it already is. SUMMER BREAK. The first 3 weeks are amazing- downright BLISSFUL. I'm not even going to address the remaining 2 months. I just want to take a minute to soak in the happiness of the first few weeks....
For the working momma--- this is the time of the year where you get to know what it's like to go to work level headed. You're not spending your morning trying to get close to presentable for work.... not sure if you put blush or eyeshadow on your cheeks and scraping the remnants of mac N' cheese off of your work pants because you didn't do laundry....not running around after the crumb snatchers with your head up their ass making sure that they heard the goddamned alarm---although YOU were able to hear it 14 FUCKING TIMES. No more- "I forgot my back pack", or "please sign my field trip form", no more open house, blah blah blah. Just get yourself ready and walk out the door... Starbucks, HERE I COME,  BITCHES! GOLD CARD STATUS!
For the stay at home momma-----this is the time of the year where you get to know what it's like to spend your morning level headed. There's no need to worry about wearing your morning coffee on your favorite Yoga pants because a crumb snatcher threw their homework folder at you and asked you if you could put it into their back pack. You're not running around with your head up their ass making sure that they heard the goddamned alarm---although YOU were able to hear it 14 FUCKING TIMES. No more driving BACK up to the school to drop off the science project, or the field trip form that you just got last night after a temper tantrum. Its somewhat freeing to just ENJOY. Enjoy sneaking up to Target while they're still sleeping. To throw leftovers in the microwave and NOT have to put a 5 course meal into a brown paper sack. To not go to bed with a headache because you've been YELLING ABOUT BEDTIME FOR 30 PISSED OFF MINUTES. letting them stay up a little later because you KNOW they'll sleep in -----(which means you do too, bitch <3).

So I lied. I'm gonna talk about July. When the bliss begins to wear off. You know--- when they fight with each other until they put on the gloves and bite each others ear off? They fight with their friend who has spent the past 2 weeks at YOUR house. Does that kid actually HAVE a mom? They even start to fight with themSELVES. You ponder the idea of a nanny? maybe work a few extra hours to pay her? Maybe you're calling grandma to see if she misses them. Maybe you're considering boot camp.  Just GET THEM THE FUCK OUTTA MY HOUSE.   Well, we all know it ends the same...we regret giving birth, they hate their life and their parents until we attend back to school night for the 18th FUCKING time.... we see the faces of the green, newbie teachers who "Wanna make a difference"....aren't they CUTE? .... Bless their hearts..... By the end of the year, they're wearing their coffee on their work pants and scraping boogers off of their math tests and they've decided that it's not a good time to think about having kids.... Well, if that's the case, I've done my good deed---by giving them a second chance at life. I'll just wait for my Starbucks gift card for my public service.

HAPPY SUMMER BREAK!!! MUAAAWWWWW!!! <3 :0)

Out to dinner.

Why the fuck do I bother.

I am a foodie. I love FOOD and when I go to a restaurant, it better be good. I would rather pay extra for a good meal than nothing for a shit meal.

Kids can ruin the entire experience, folks! Case and point is about to be exposed.

Tonight, after a very long week, we decided to go out to dinner. I am not too big on chains, I'll tell you that right now. I want to sit down, have a glass of wine, and unwind...if we decide to go out, THAT'S what I want to do.
SO!
Tonight, we go to a new fun little swanky spot. Not too upscale to where we though- "OH SHIT, prepare to be embarrassed" but not generic enough to say "WHO the FUCK has a Xanax I can borrow, 'cause it's about to go down!" (ie: chuck E cheese, Johns incredible pizza, McDonalds, etc...).
When we walk in, we see a chick with a baby so we figure we're good....right?
WRONG-O friends!
The female spawn busts out with her drama queen personality, IMMEDIATELY. I'm talkin', she BROUGHT it.
 FUUUUUUCK me--- dammit.
She had her head on the table, crammed up my ass, not sitting in her seat, you name it, she pulled out all the stops tonight.
Of course at first, I am attempting to use discretion-
which means, I am all up in her face with my "Mom" voice
"IF you don't knock your shit off right this second, I am dragging your ass to the bathroom for some "Act right"!!! Which she of course responds with:
WHAAAAAAAAAT??? WHAAAAAAT MOMMMYYY? I just want to sit with youuuuuu?
BULL Shit .
You saw me starting to relax.
You sensed the calming demeanor when I sat down and you couldn't stand it! You SMELLED FEAR!
So at this point it becomes pouty lips and I'm not hungry, I wanna go home... she KNEW what she was doing.
" I...I....I'm not huuuuungry. I dont' want anything".
Like Hell. You don't get to use that one til you're my age and married! That's grown ass argument "prove a point" talk. SNAP.
I look across the table and merely state a fact..."I'm going to level her ass if she doesn't get her shit together. I swear..." Hubby steps in and flashes. He wants to level her too.
She calms down a little bit until the shrimp comes out.
"uuuuuuuhuh!  THIS IS GROSS! do they have RANCH???" Now, mind you, this was NOT the quiet version!
SHUT YOUR MOUTH. SERIOUSLY. MORE wine please!!! ding! ding! ding!
(No, I didn't have a bell---- in case you were wondering.)
This attitude continued through dinner. At this point, I have take my mind to a place where I have wine and popcorn every night for dinner in a cute little condo by the mall to maintain sanity.
 The bill comes- and its not cheap.
The hubby starts having a panic attack (because he's a money Nazi) WHOOPSIES. Now we're BOTH pissed.
The kids are practically biting off each others ears in the 9th round and there's not enough wine in this place to take my blood pressure to a safe level.

And to polish the night off------------ I didn't win the damn lottery. I might as well have written a check to a therapist and had grilled cheese and top ramen.

I can't imagine WHY one would question why I work a 9 to 5? Must've lost their fucking minds.