SWEEEEEET Summertime....

HOL-LYYY SHIT- It's almost here- and for some of you, it already is. SUMMER BREAK. The first 3 weeks are amazing- downright BLISSFUL. I'm not even going to address the remaining 2 months. I just want to take a minute to soak in the happiness of the first few weeks....
For the working momma--- this is the time of the year where you get to know what it's like to go to work level headed. You're not spending your morning trying to get close to presentable for work.... not sure if you put blush or eyeshadow on your cheeks and scraping the remnants of mac N' cheese off of your work pants because you didn't do laundry....not running around after the crumb snatchers with your head up their ass making sure that they heard the goddamned alarm---although YOU were able to hear it 14 FUCKING TIMES. No more- "I forgot my back pack", or "please sign my field trip form", no more open house, blah blah blah. Just get yourself ready and walk out the door... Starbucks, HERE I COME,  BITCHES! GOLD CARD STATUS!
For the stay at home momma-----this is the time of the year where you get to know what it's like to spend your morning level headed. There's no need to worry about wearing your morning coffee on your favorite Yoga pants because a crumb snatcher threw their homework folder at you and asked you if you could put it into their back pack. You're not running around with your head up their ass making sure that they heard the goddamned alarm---although YOU were able to hear it 14 FUCKING TIMES. No more driving BACK up to the school to drop off the science project, or the field trip form that you just got last night after a temper tantrum. Its somewhat freeing to just ENJOY. Enjoy sneaking up to Target while they're still sleeping. To throw leftovers in the microwave and NOT have to put a 5 course meal into a brown paper sack. To not go to bed with a headache because you've been YELLING ABOUT BEDTIME FOR 30 PISSED OFF MINUTES. letting them stay up a little later because you KNOW they'll sleep in -----(which means you do too, bitch <3).

So I lied. I'm gonna talk about July. When the bliss begins to wear off. You know--- when they fight with each other until they put on the gloves and bite each others ear off? They fight with their friend who has spent the past 2 weeks at YOUR house. Does that kid actually HAVE a mom? They even start to fight with themSELVES. You ponder the idea of a nanny? maybe work a few extra hours to pay her? Maybe you're calling grandma to see if she misses them. Maybe you're considering boot camp.  Just GET THEM THE FUCK OUTTA MY HOUSE.   Well, we all know it ends the same...we regret giving birth, they hate their life and their parents until we attend back to school night for the 18th FUCKING time.... we see the faces of the green, newbie teachers who "Wanna make a difference"....aren't they CUTE? .... Bless their hearts..... By the end of the year, they're wearing their coffee on their work pants and scraping boogers off of their math tests and they've decided that it's not a good time to think about having kids.... Well, if that's the case, I've done my good deed---by giving them a second chance at life. I'll just wait for my Starbucks gift card for my public service.

HAPPY SUMMER BREAK!!! MUAAAWWWWW!!! <3 :0)

Out to dinner.

Why the fuck do I bother.

I am a foodie. I love FOOD and when I go to a restaurant, it better be good. I would rather pay extra for a good meal than nothing for a shit meal.

Kids can ruin the entire experience, folks! Case and point is about to be exposed.

Tonight, after a very long week, we decided to go out to dinner. I am not too big on chains, I'll tell you that right now. I want to sit down, have a glass of wine, and unwind...if we decide to go out, THAT'S what I want to do.
SO!
Tonight, we go to a new fun little swanky spot. Not too upscale to where we though- "OH SHIT, prepare to be embarrassed" but not generic enough to say "WHO the FUCK has a Xanax I can borrow, 'cause it's about to go down!" (ie: chuck E cheese, Johns incredible pizza, McDonalds, etc...).
When we walk in, we see a chick with a baby so we figure we're good....right?
WRONG-O friends!
The female spawn busts out with her drama queen personality, IMMEDIATELY. I'm talkin', she BROUGHT it.
 FUUUUUUCK me--- dammit.
She had her head on the table, crammed up my ass, not sitting in her seat, you name it, she pulled out all the stops tonight.
Of course at first, I am attempting to use discretion-
which means, I am all up in her face with my "Mom" voice
"IF you don't knock your shit off right this second, I am dragging your ass to the bathroom for some "Act right"!!! Which she of course responds with:
WHAAAAAAAAAT??? WHAAAAAAT MOMMMYYY? I just want to sit with youuuuuu?
BULL Shit .
You saw me starting to relax.
You sensed the calming demeanor when I sat down and you couldn't stand it! You SMELLED FEAR!
So at this point it becomes pouty lips and I'm not hungry, I wanna go home... she KNEW what she was doing.
" I...I....I'm not huuuuungry. I dont' want anything".
Like Hell. You don't get to use that one til you're my age and married! That's grown ass argument "prove a point" talk. SNAP.
I look across the table and merely state a fact..."I'm going to level her ass if she doesn't get her shit together. I swear..." Hubby steps in and flashes. He wants to level her too.
She calms down a little bit until the shrimp comes out.
"uuuuuuuhuh!  THIS IS GROSS! do they have RANCH???" Now, mind you, this was NOT the quiet version!
SHUT YOUR MOUTH. SERIOUSLY. MORE wine please!!! ding! ding! ding!
(No, I didn't have a bell---- in case you were wondering.)
This attitude continued through dinner. At this point, I have take my mind to a place where I have wine and popcorn every night for dinner in a cute little condo by the mall to maintain sanity.
 The bill comes- and its not cheap.
The hubby starts having a panic attack (because he's a money Nazi) WHOOPSIES. Now we're BOTH pissed.
The kids are practically biting off each others ears in the 9th round and there's not enough wine in this place to take my blood pressure to a safe level.

And to polish the night off------------ I didn't win the damn lottery. I might as well have written a check to a therapist and had grilled cheese and top ramen.

I can't imagine WHY one would question why I work a 9 to 5? Must've lost their fucking minds.

Too soon?....or is it....

DAMMIT I hate clutter.
I take that back.
 I hate clutter in plain view. Hidden clutter is okay.
So why is it that my refrigerator looks like Dorothy should be clicking her heels together and someone should be looking for me to be crushed underneath it? Even deeper than that, why can't I just grab my "cajones" and clean it off?
As one of my facebook friends so eloquently put it, "When is it too soon to take down all the CRAP on the refrigerator"?
I don't have a good answer for this. Although, ever since she posed this question, I can't seem to take my eyes off of this cluttered mess.
Thank you, by the way.
Here's the thing. These fuckers KNOW, I don't know how--- but they DO. If you even happen to change the magnet that's holding up their math test from 3 years ago, THEY  KNOW....
but they truly can't remember that they need to brush their teeth every morning? Or grab their backpack on the way out the door? God FORBID you move the 487th stick figure drawing so that you can hang a Dr.'s Appt. reminder or something important. They fall apart! Can't find their shoes   But HO-LY SHIT, stop the FUCKING PRESS---  they can see a missing C+ math test from the top of the stairs down the hallway to the left!
"Where's my pilgrim essay?"
Ummmmm... probably in your 2nd grade school box.........
'Cause your in 8th grade now.
 Items bearing substance have no place in the hierarchy of the refrigerator display. You have to catch them off their game. When they're distracted, you can start by removing the paper from the veeeerrryyyyyback of the shit pile. One by one, you have to pick them off. It doesn't stop here people, you have to pick off the magnets too. If they see a free magnet, THEY WILL OCCUPY IT. This is a gradual process--- and you're not going to win them all.
At the end of the day- I don't have a fool proof resolution to this age old battle. I haven't won it yet. I can promise you though, that I try to find ways to de-clutter the "museum of repetitive art" that is my refrigerator, every day. The idea of accomplishing this without conflict seems difficult, not impossible, but "throwing away the binky" difficult. Good luck friends and if you happen to accomplish this without giving up and saying FUCK IT (kinda like the cowboy boots and tu-tu's to the grocery store). Please share. Millions of desperate clutter freaks NEED your wisdom.

SLOOOOOWWW DOOOWWWNNNN.

FUUUUUUUUUUUU*************** OOOOFFFFF.

I hate these people. I have a WHOLE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD of them. You know the one's-- Where it doesn't matter if you're going 15 MPH or 50MPH, they look at you stupid because you're driving on the road that they are walking next to---usually with their kid or their dog or some shit.
Dog walkers are pretty bad because our little fur babies like to make the ol' walk as difficult as possible by walking directly around a pole or stretching their leash as far as it will stretch to intentionally jog in the middle of the road. I don't know if they are sniffing exhaust fumes, or WTF, but it's annoying either way. No matter how you look at it, it's not my problem.
But kid walkers are the WORST. If you see someone who is walking with their kid they will stare you DOWN when you drive by. Like "HOW DARE YOU drive down the same street that my precious little gem walks by? no matter HOW fast or slow you are going. You must be at a complete stop, or the stare down is inevitable.
I met one of these this morning.
I pull out of my driveway...you guessed it,...... running late. I wasn't even 5 houses down from my own. I sure did look at the speedometer at the time of the incident and  I was traveling at 24 MPH. My engine had revved because I had JUST  put the car in drive (from reversing out of the driveway) and had to step on the gas. NOW- Please understand that I will leave my neighborhood at 50 if I feel like it. because you can't win with these people anyway, so why not. But this morning, I hadn't even had the opportunity to go that fast yet when he so RUDELY interrupted me. I am also figuring that in about 5 more seconds I would have been speeding, no doubt. The fact is, I wasn't yet. this Asshole comes out to the middle of the road, waving his fist and screaming obscenities telling me to slow down.
I proceed to flip him off, while scrunching my nose and hammering the gas pedal. 
I hate him. for more reasons than one. First of all, I can't wait til your crumb snatcher is a teenager and walks in the middle of the street. He will end up being one of those punks that stays in the middle of the street just to piss people off. I can't wait because someone will run his ass over. He WILL be this kid. you're teaching him that other people need to change their behavior,that he doesn't need to look around and pay attention. My kids BETTER learn that they need to be conscious of their surroundings. People drive fast. Everywhere. People throw things, people text and drive, blah blah blah. As long as they are paying attention they should be able to avoid getting their leg ripped off. NOW- What was this kid doing?
OMIGAWSH! I am so glad you asked!
Looking down not paying a LICK of attention.
I saw you guys, DICKweed! I saw you when I left my driveway! had he been on his bike, or playing with a ball, I may have done things differently because I am AWARE of my surroundings. But KNOW this. I don't give a shit if the wind from my passing trucks knocks you both on your ass. But you jumping in the middle of the road, swinging your fist and yelling obscenities was AWESOME. Because your crumb snatcher looked PETRIFIED. He didn't seem to be bothered by my passing truck, but your little display seemed to make him almost wet his pants. *CLAP * CLAP* CLAP* BEAUTIFUL performance shitface. 
Don't worry, my bad ass attitude will be the same when I get home, and you see my truck. Then you trek alllll the way down to my house, to find a glass of wine in my hand and a whole lotta "I don't give a fuck" coming out of my mouth. Sleep well! I know I will!

Why it doesn't pay to try and be a "good mom".

Last week was exceptionally crappy. There was one small ray of sunshine in my week that I held onto with kung fu grip. I had bunko on Friday and it was at my house. This meant I could drink until I could barely say bunko.My job can be particularly demanding at times. Those times are Monday through Friday, from 7AM to 7PM- ish. So YES- bunko is exciting. I do my best to find a good balance between work and home life but sometimes one takes over the other. We've discussed a lot of the reasons that I am a terrible mother, one of which being that I work a 9-5....actually it's more like an 8:30-6:30 ish. I squeeze a lot of stuff into a little bit of time.
Back to the story.
 I got a phone call last week from a loving, doting, individual in my kids' lives. I want to throw out the disclaimer that I understand that this person loves us all and would do ANYTHING for any person in my family. They have a huge heart and really, truly, DO only mean well. Now, with that being said, she ripped me a new asshole last week. My sons grades are shitty, so he's grounded. I know we're not supposed to do that  anymore, we're supposed to let them be free souls and give them space to be individuals and all that Emo crap. Unfortunately that flies over like a fart in church at my house. You are either an active participating member of our family or you are exiled to the "have some respect and get off your lazy ass" dungeon.  Well to some people, they're take on it is that my son would "have some respect and get off his lazy ass" if I were a doting loving stay at home mom, but since I never see my children and they are so scarred, this is their cry for attention. It's sad really. I was going to sell him to a band of traveling gypsies to offer him a more comfortable life but then who would empty the dishwasher? Guess I better wait 'til the female spawn is old enough to do it.
Anyhow- Yes, I do occasionally deal with a smidgen of personal turmoil about how much I work. That turmoil is typically interrupted when one of my kids chucks the remote control at the other one's head, triggering an all out war of the siblings. So this weekend, I spent Saturday doing my weekly mom stuff Laundry, bills, menu planning, (you know, all the stuff that gets us all fired up and pissed off) then we sat down and watched movies and spent time together.
Sounds super sweet and innocent, right?
I'mma call bullshit on myself right now.
I did it, because I brought home work that  HAAAAD to be done over the weekend. No exceptions. So Sunday morning the hubby says "We should take the kids to the snow!"
FML.
I responded with "uhhhhhhhhh.... you sure? I mean, a storm could roll in...uhh... I just put a 10 course breakfast on the table so I could go hide and work while you were all distracted"

"We'll be home by 6 or 7 and you can finish work stuff."

WTF do I say to THAT??  I've already been called out for my work habits this week???? They're all playing on my weakness right now and that blows. So you know what I did?

caved to the guilt and got our snow shit ready,  hopped in the truck and rode off into the sunset.

Know what I did after that?

Got stuck in the DAMNED truck for 12 hours, with no internet connection, 2 hungry restless kids, A bag of crappy snacks and a coffee. Oh, and a big ass thing of water that I couldn't drink because i didn't know when I was going to be able to pee again. PSHHHHH- I'm not making THAT mistake twice.

Know what I did after that?


clenched my ass cheeks together for the last 1/2 of the ride home because the axle broke on the truck, and we fishtailed every time the hunny nudged the gas pedal. Good thing too because doing butt clenches was the ONLY exercise that I got that day (thank you Jane Fonda for making that an actual "exercise"). You got it people, instead of just saying,"no judge Judy, I won't spend my life being guilted about the fact that I work and I like it! I am going to do the work that I said I was going to do and not feel a bit bad about it. My family can go to the snow if they want to, but unfortunately, I am scared pissless of flying off of a cliff in a snowstorm and not being drunk enough to sleep through it". I caved and you know where it got me? pissed off, cold, wet, annoyed and 2 metal plates for butt cheeks. So I guess LITERALLY being a good mom almost killed me

BTW--- I Still haven't gotten a VD gift.

VD

Yesterday morning started out all "Cupcakes N Flowers". Sun was shining, birds were chirping, blah blah blah. I woke up extra early so that I could run out and get the hot N fresh heart shaped donuts from krispy kreme. (my family loooooooves them some donuts!) I had already purchased everyone's cards, sees candy, and lotto scratchers for the inside of their cards. (yes, add this to the list of reasons why I am a terrible mother- I encourage underage gambling.... *GASP*) I even stuck a little something extra in the hubby's VD card along with all of the items above.

Everyone wakes up super excited with their VD gifts and surprises and sugary shit (Like how I did that before school? Payback for all those teacher in service day...haha! SNAP!).
Thanks mom! Happy VD to you too! Hubby kissed me goodbye and says Happy VD! :0) awwwwww, idn't he sweeeeeeet! Then we all scurry out the door to tend to our daily endeavors.
This was going to be Taylors first day back at the onsite after school program. I dropped off all of the paperwork (YUP, that morning) to find that she can't attend that day, they need to wait 24 hours. I wasn't surprised, I knew I was pushing my luck---but you can't blame a girl for trying, right? So I frantically call Franny to see if she can pick the female spawn up one last time, cause i'm a terrible mother and once again procrastinated until the last minute (getting the paperwork to the right people) and Franny saved my ass once again.
Once I get to  my jobby job, I call the hubby to say that the female spawn was going to be at Franny's (not adventure club like originally planned) and that I would pick her up b/c it was all my fault that they lost her paperwork and couldn't have her start that day, I don't know WHAT happened considering I turned it in on Friday?
He says "okay~"
Mind you, he got off at 4PM. Which is 2 hours before I got off. So he must have been planning something SUPER DUPER special for me for VD...awwww.... I'm such a lucky girl, I don't neeeeeed anything, its just a Hallmark holiday- He's such a silly goose!
Everyone posting photos all day of their flowers they got at work, or their candy, all the fun stuff a girl likes. I keep gandering by the front desk to see if my surprise was here yet....not that I need anything...but I wanted to BE here in case something DID show up! Nah--- but that's not his style anyhow.
So I call when I leave Franny's-- about 7. I had spent 10 hours at work, 25 minutes on the freeway to go 2 miles...ugh..I was way too tired to try and throw together the pizza pockets (heart shaped and homemade! for my family Valentine's dinner) So I throw out the idea of Chinese take out. After ALL, that would have given him and extra few minutes to put the finishing touches on my VD surprise. I just don't know how I got so lucky....
I get home, house is freezing ass cold, no fire in the fireplace. Family is all home in their comfy's chillin' in front of the TV. we all eat dinner, my son gives me his VD card (funny as hell ,BTW, he DEFINITELY got my sense of humor) and chocolates. I am wondering at this point if I should tiptoe upstairs or just wait until he says I can go see. I go upstairs to shower really quick. Come back down, finish watching the movie. It's about 10:30.
At this point, there better be a tiny ass blue box or some shit in his pocket 'cause I don't see any signs of my surprises floating around in the open anywhere.
Everyone stretches, starts to head up stairs- I try my very best to stay awake until midnight b/c that is the only saving grace he has that could POSSIBLY keep him from a Mothers day 2011 repeat episode (let's just say I went APE shit.... All CYBIL on his ass).
Midnight hits and he says..."Are you mad?".... 

NOOOOOOOOOO HE DI-UHN!??? I can't imagine WHAT IN THE F*CK would I have to be mad about? I will CUUUUUUTTTT YOUUUUUUUU!!!!

The moral of the story. I didn't get shit. This Blog is To Be Continued, cause this ain't OVER........

Had a moment this weekend.

As you all may already know, I don't really give a crap what other people think -----most of the time. Unless I think that they are thinking that I am dressed like a 2 bit hooker, at which point I will promptly return back home and put on a sweater. Other than that, don't really care. So as I was on my hands and knees on Sunday....cleaning the floors (you dirty birds).... I started running things through my brain. Because that's what I do. It slowly turned into me trying to think of all the instances where I was being judged for my parenting (or whatever else). Because I was not only bitchy, but was slightly emotional due to a little visit from Aunt Flow, I started judging the Judge Judy's for judging me. Seriously people, this is what I do when left alone to my own demise. So, since I was guilty yesterday for doing what I loathe more than anything, I am repenting right now to my peeps to make sure I am being honest, with not only myself but you guys as well. Please see a couple of my personal sins, listed below.

1. As a group of us moms chat at a birthday party enjoying a glass (or 3) of wine, another mom shows up. Being the hospitable group that we are, we offer her a glass of wine. She says, "no thanks...."

NOW. She should have stopped here. That's what I would have done. Or I might have said I was sick or hungover or something. But nooooooo-- she precedes with "I don't like to drink in front of my kids,where should I put the gift?".
How about right up your ass.  Something has to go up there behind the stick.
Here's the thing. There have been MORE than several occasions in the past where I have seen this broad HAMMERED in front of her kids. I've practically seen her teach her kid how to mix up a margarita so she didn't have to stumble across the room! All of which I am not judging her for. I am judging her because suddenly she wakes up one day and decides she's Mother Theresa and she wants to let everyone know that her shit don't stink. Well then, sunshine! Call your AA sponsor and have them help take down all those photo collages on your walls of you taking shots with no hands or sipping  mai-tai's with your BFF out of penis straws with condoms taped all over your shirt. Jus' sayin'.

2. EHHEMMMM- One night I was at a bitch 'N' stitch with a pretty mixed crowd, including  kids (hardly seems worth the make up if you ask me, but whatever). I  yell at the spawn, "Quit running! This ain't a damn playground! If I have to say it again, I'm gonna bust your asses!"
*sigh* I should have just said some June Cleaver shit at that point, but by the time I realized the critical level of this situation, it was too late. From the other side of the circle I hear (in a passive aggressive giggle) "WHOOPSIE! Someone has to put a quarter in the jar!"
REALLY? You're going to stand over there and say something to me about the word ASS? How about I tell you about yourself. Let me judge YOU for a minute. Let me use ASS in a different sentence for ya. Day in and day out, you show your kids that it's okay for mommy to work all day every day, drop the them at daycare on the way TO that job while her husband, who hasn't had a job in 4 years sits on his ASS all day and plays video games. Occasionally  getting up to eat whatever food you have left. Meanwhile, you can't pay your bills, you're paying for SOME of your childcare while the government subsidizes the rest, cooking free meals that you're getting because your husband still "can't find a job" (apparently holding out for management) while he tells you  that you're a "fat lazy bitch". You must be so proud of all the quarters in your jar. Maybe if she watches you long enough, your daughter will get to marry someone juuuuuuust like her daddy.
3.  I am yelling at the kids to pick up their shit. Which happens waaaay more often  than I would like. They're shrugging, hemming and hawing and generally not happy.
Judge Judy # 3 says "I'm gonna have to kidnap those little sweeties and bring them to live with me! I just read that book "parenting with love and logic with my book club, it's really good!"...teeheehee... giggle giggle.

Do you still have that book? Could I borrower it so I can smack you in the face with it? Once again, the passive aggressiveness KILLS me. First of all, I know you talk about the way I raise my kids, I hear things allllllllll the time through mutual acquaintances. Here's the thing. Maybe you're the sweet, nice, doting, classroom parent, carpool driver, cookies at midnight type. Although I'm not that mom, I'm also not the  "haven't cleaned your house in 4 years and the last time you did was because you were looking for the computer mouse to water your garden on Facebook, couldn't put a home cooked meal on the table if you were the last living as*hole on the post apocalyptic planet earth (so everything comes out of a paper sack), can't remember the last time you washed your hair or put make up on your face but you're pretty sure that that Mary Kay lady who brought the Ambrosia salad with your order last time might be dead now" mom. All moms are different. We don't have to all be alike. I choose not to be like you, No actually, I would rather shit myself and sit in it all day than be like you. SO THERE. And I promise that if you ever DID try to kidnap my kids, I would fly over to your 800 square foot mansion and pummel you, then I would bring my babies home and immediately give them a bath.

So there you have it friends. I apologize  for my rant. It was judgmental and rude, almost uncalled for. I hereby relinquish all responsibility and chalk it up to a "bad day". I promise I will be better tomorrow. WHERE THE HELL IS MY CHOCOLATE?????